What is the one and only word that says who you are?

As I had previously mentioned, I am reading Eat. Pray. Love. for the second time and it is having such a different meaning for me. I seem to have the ability to relate every character, heroine, love story, tragedy, even horoscope to my own life. Still, somehow a 32 year old woman who leaves a marriage and pursues her dreams in Italy (among other countries) has an uncanny likeness. While I didn't leave a marriage, the end of a 4 year relationship and engagement had the same effect on me.  Of course I have also found my own adventures and love for Italy, but that is a story for another post.

Elizabeth Gilbert discusses with Giulio, a plutonic friend in Rome, about how different cities have their own word associated with them.  Rome's is sex, the Vatican's is power (not faith), New York's is achieve, LA's is succeed, Naples' is fight and Stockholm's is conform.  Gilbert then tries to find her word, a challenge I feel every woman should undertake.  Gilbert knows that her words are not family or marriage -- for this was the life she had just left.  She was also happy (as am I) that her word (and mine) is no longer depression. She then toys with some possibilities -- seek, hide, pleasure, devotion -- and none quite stick.  It is hard to find one word that sums up who you are. 

I was discussing this with a friend and she actually came up with my word.  I don't know if this still counts, after all, it wasn't my creative idea, but it is so perfect. My word is evolve, or more precisely, evolving as it is an action, a process that I am undergoing.  Who I am is changing at such a rapid pace.  I have learned more about myself in the last ten months than I had in twenty-nine years. I have changed my outlook on life, on love, on duty and on happiness. I am evolving into the person, and woman I really want to be.  It may be a little scarier than the marriage word I had once focused so intently on, but it allows for so many possibilities and that is exactly where I want to be.

What is your word?

A Single at a Wedding. Adventures in Tofino...con't.

I have now returned to Vancouver and wanted to share what was a fantastic weekend.  My second wedding as a Single could not have turned out any better and I did not feel ostracized, embarrassed or shamed in the least. Maybe this was partly due to my state of mind, but I think it was largely the actions of the guests and wedding party.

Both families were incredibly welcoming and hospitable. On the eve of the wedding, I met up with the bride's aunts and uncles and they treated me like I was one of their own.  The mother of the bride has 11 siblings, so four were there with their spouses and they mentioned how accustomed they are to having new people come in and out of their family.  By the end of the evening, we were joking that I was "cousin Kristie" and even "Oma" (the 87 year old grandmother) was telling me how I my colouring and personality made me like one of the family.

The wedding day was spectacular.  Until recently I had thought I would want a large wedding where I would be worshipped as the princess of the ball, but the 45 at this wedding could not have been more perfect.  The ceremony was on the beach, followed by a cocktail reception and elaborate meal and wine pairing. The size of the wedding allowed the bride and groom to recognize every single person throughout the speeches and individuals were able to get up and tell stories about the couple.  It was so intimate and I could not have imagined it working out any better.  I made friends with a woman who was there with her husband and darling 11 month old little boy.  He was such a charmer to the ladies and he and I had a special connection.  Again the pangs of wanting children creeped up on me, but I was able to douse the feelings by remembering that my opportunity will come and that it is not a race, despite the societal pressures that claim that it is the "thing to do" at 30. The evening ended with an "Arabian Nights" gathering in a tent on the beach and it could not have been a better ending to the perfect day.

What was so noteworthy to me as a Single at the wedding, was the level of understanding and support of the families and select guests.  For some reason I found myself sharing my very personal story with a few people and they had such faith in my decisions and the path I plan to take. They even told me that they expect to hear updates from the bride at the next family reunion. I felt such a warmth enveloping me and did not feel I had to justify my "status" or feel ashamed for being alone. A person's kindness can make such a difference in the world. I feel so blessed to have been part of this celebration. 

Can Singles Survive in a Couple's Town?

I am currently writing from Tofino, British Columbia.  For those not familiar, it is on the west coast of Vancouver Island and is the last destination before a long stretch of ocean and Japan on the other side. It is well known for its surfers and tourists and in my case, a wedding.  I arrived here yesterday and had no idea the beauty that awaited me.

Tofino is also known as a great couple's getaway. My beautiful room has a king sized bed, two lounge chairs on my private patio, two wine glasses, two complimentary breakfast vouchers and one fireplace. Being a Single, this could provide much reason for sadness and anxiety, although I am pleasantly surprised that loneliness has not reared its ugly head.  The bed is large enough for me to stretch out in a starfish and the beach is steps away for me to go on long, romantic walks (solo!).

There are three female Singles at this wedding.  Myself, the sister of the bride and the sister of the groom.  An interesting combination I think.  The bride's sister came over last night before dinner and we popped a bottle of champagne, took some pictures of the stunning setting and sat back to chat in our "couple's retreat".  All things considered, it was a pretty wonderful time.  Today we are going for a bike ride to explore the little town and tonight I will likely relax in my soaker tub with Eat.Pray.Love. (my second reading!)

More updates to come, but I guess my revelation is that a Single in the right mind set can overcome any of the mental landmines she may encounter. So I am off for my run on the beach, workout in the gym and daytime activities in this couple's domain.  Wish me luck!  

Hey Singles! Ever thought of pursuing an office romance?

Office liaisons can lift hearts?or just raise eyebrows | Article | Homepage articles

I have never had any interest in pursuing anyone in the workplace, but I am not against it as long as good judgment is used. I once had two co-workers who are now married. We didn't even know they were in a relationship until he quit and proposed to his office romance. 

There is truth, regardless of age or generation,that our personal and professional lives are blurring more and more. As long as we manage our online and and in-person "footprint", I don' think there should be anything wrong with dating in the workplace. What do you think?

If you are already pursuing a workplace relationship, check out these tips on how to 

Conceal An Office Romance.

Happy dating!

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Are Women Still Looking For Prince Charming?

Are Women Still Looking For Prince Charming?

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A married woman and mother comments on Single in Society

I wanted to share this wonderful comment as a result of the post "Three Women and a Baby". We love hearing from singles as well as marrieds/mothers, so keep the conversation flowing! 

Anonymous said...

It was in fact MY HUSBAND who read your blog before I did and walked me arm in arm to the computer screen. He was moved by not only your articulate and colorful descriptions of your observations of society, but also your hopeful and open-minded conclusions. Apparently married men find single women's insights just as interesting as other single women!!

What thoughtful and challenging friends the two of you must be!! (wink wink!) 

As a new mother, I can completely relate to what you describe. What I find additionally interesting is how pockets of society craft "milestone norms" if you will, that are not in fact norms at all if one just steps outside of the postal code. They are really just comfort zones that women can somehow measure up to in times of uncertainty. Get married, don't, have a baby, don't, whatever makes you happy. I'll be happy that you are happy! 

Bravo to you both. I hope you will continue to shed light on both the real and perceived ideas of women in society in general and in the process of creating dialogue tear down these perceived norms and build lasting and supportive relationships amongst them.

OCTOBER 5, 2009 2:56 PM

Manolos and Doggie Biscuits

You may recall, a few years ago, our oh-so-favourite Carrie Bradshaw attended a baby shower where her prized Minolos were stolen. Upon deliberating with her crew, she calculated the amount she had spent on bridal showers, bachelorette parties, wedding gifts, baby showers, first birthdays...the list goes on. As a single lady, she never had the party, never had the gift, never had the celebratory drink or cake or hors d'oeuvre in her honour. 

When the hostess was confronted about the missing heels, she reluctantly offered compensation. They were Manolos -- a very expensive shoe -- and the friend balked at the exorbitant price and frivolity of the item. She spoke of duties and parenthood and all the reasons why she shouldn't be required to pay such a sum. 

The end result included Carrie registering for her prized shoes and the hostess grudgingly making the purchase and sending along greetings, as one would when they are celebrating a friend's nuptials. It was a very happy ending for C.B.!

I was reminded of this story today when I heard of plans for a doggie shower in honour of my friend becoming a "mother" to her new "child". Having never wed, she has not had the opportunity to participate in the pre-marital bliss and revelry of the bride- or mother-to-be. The canine celebration will have all the trimmings -- themed invites, catering, gifts, party games, decor -- and guests will shower her with love, admiration and giddiness, just as they would the blushing bride.

While there are still opportunities for bridal celebrations in her future, this single gets to be the guest of honour at her party.  Pics and stories to come!!!  

Summer Lovin', Had me a Blast...

It is that time of year when the party dresses and strappy sandals make way for long sweaters and down-filled boots. The leaves are changing, the days are crisp and the warm summer breezes that brought evenings of wonder are a thing of the past. Summer was an idyllic fling. Patio evenings, trail adventures, ice cream outings, girls' night soirees -- a bacchanalian courtship that I never wanted to end.  

Summer of '09 in Vancouver was one of the very best. Barely any rain and record breaking temperatures had all of us forgetting the months of endless drear that loomed ahead. It was an opportunity for five single girls to live la dolce vita in a haze filled aura of martinis, music and nightlife. 

But like all summer flings, it had to come to an end. Somehow we all instinctively knew that it was over, even without discussing.  Like the kids returning to school, fall is the time to buckle down, dive into work and again pursue our professional and personal goals. It is the time to swear off the gelato and wine and embrace the health conscious vegetable soups and casseroles. 

While saying goodbye to a loved one has its moments of sorrow, I am excited about the challenges that lie ahead. While the nights on the town were a welcomed treat, I can now focus on my other career, educational and physical goals. After all, I have a lot of work to do before next year's summer flame burns again. 

Three Women and a Baby

It was a great night. Our friend -- a new mother -- was celebrating her birthday and Noa and I were accompanying her for dinner.  Our plan was to go to a trendy comfort food bistro on Main Street, but upon arrival, it was not kid friendly. The room was too warm, the tables too close and the atmosphere too stuffy. The baby fussed a bit and all of the patrons were turning, evidently inconvenienced by a child in the room.  While I am single, I still have a heart and I still love babies. A little fussing should not be a big issue.

We decided, however, to head back to 4th Ave and found ourselves at Italian Kitchen Trattoria. They were so accommodating. They gave us a great table outside under the heat lamp so that baby wouldn't get too hot (he has issues with heat) and the servers and management kept coming over and ogling over him.  He even did a little wiggle dance in time with the jazz music. 

It was a great night filled with good conversation, amazing food and hospitable ambiance. A few observations:

1. I take my freedom of only looking after myself for granted. The new mother was talking about what she has to go through just to get ready and get out of the house with a baby. It made my issue about figuring out whether to wear the flat boot or the heeled boot pretty trivial.

2. Babies learning are a magical delight. At three months of age, the baby is learning that he has control of making sounds and conversing. He has complete conversations with his mother and is so serious in his discourse that you know that he believes he is actually sharing in a deep, philosophical discussion. 

3. Moms have a an unspoken (and spoken) bond with one another.  We passed another woman on the street carrying a baby and the two moms said hello. I can't remember an instance of that ever happening to me on my own.

4. Expectant fathers can be even more excited than mothers. The manager of the restaurant is expecting his first child in seven weeks. He shared with us the fact that they had been trying for nearly two years and you could tell just what a relief and joy this father had for his unborn child. 

I look forward to having children when the time is right.  It was very obvious this evening that one's life changes forever, so it is essential to be certain before making that leap.  Once upon a time I had wanted to have two kids and a white picket fence before the age of thirty, but over time, I have come to realize that this is not the path I am supposed to take.  Whether it is my actions or a higher being that makes this decision, I don't know. I am warming up to the idea of being an older mom, secure in my self, finances and relationship.  It may not be the path I had once imagined, but it is my path and one that I am going to fully embrace.

When Will I Be the Guest of Honour?

We would like to thank everyone who have been regularly visiting the blog and sharing comments on the site, in Facebook, in emails or through conversation. We have enjoyed sharing our thoughts and experiences and are amazed that what started as a forum for  the single gal has also captured response from married women and even single/married men! Perhaps a window into the "women are from Venus" phenomenon, but it has amazed and humbled us that the blog has already captured such wide appeal.

So, you may wonder why we have created the blog. Against popular opinion, its intention is not to create a divide between the marrieds and the singles. It has never been our intention to ostracize any individual, but rather to have a forum for single women to share, identify and feel as one.

Society has created a system where couples are celebrated. It is evident socially as well as economically as the modern Western lifestyle typically requires two breadwinners. This is especially apparent in Vancouver where the cost of living and the price of real estate is largely unattainable for the single person. Socially, there is a certain expectation that for a woman to be complete, she has to have a man by her side and this is the primary consideration when judging a woman's success in the world. The glass ceiling is still looming and women need to balance career, marriage, motherhood and community involvement to be considered a complete and successful individual.

The celebration of the monogamous relationship is everywhere. From our adolescence, magazines teach us how to attract the opposite sex and this evolves through the thousands of wedding and parenting magazines, websites and reality television shows. Its presence is omnipotent. Reality TV has shown us the oddities of living plus 8 or 18 and counting -- relatively mundane followings of families. Any shows about singles are either stereotyped and overdramatized or are about "finding the one". Just think about the women vying for the bachelor -- the pinnacle of life's achievements. There are no reality shows that follow the single woman around. I'm not talking about dating shows, I am talking about shows that capture her career pursuits, her daily routines, HER mundane tasks. Even Sex and the City, while among the closest approximation to the variety in a single's life, still had an ultimate goal. Carrie got Big, Miranda and Steve found happiness and Charlotte was finally able to conceive. Even Samantha is rumoured to marry in the sequel. A show that was supposed to be the "human voice" for thousands, if not millions of single women, still had the fairytale ending.

So, what is left for the single girl? Societal norms support the union of two individuals and pop culture reinforces and provides resources for couples. There is no where to turn for the single woman who just wants to relate and identify with others who find themselves in the same situation. Hence the purpose for the blog. Please understand that the comments are not to attack any individual, but just to have a locale to share common concerns and celebrate a status that is never the guest of honour at the party.

Please let us have this one medium.

Happily ever after – just not on Facebook, okay?

You don't have to spend too much time on Livia Dittmer's Facebook page to know that she's happily married.

In her profile picture, the pretty brunette is smiling broadly as her husband, Mark, plants a kiss on her dimpled cheek. Her relationship status lists her as “Married to Mark Dittmer.” Her most recent Facebook album is a catalogue of her wedding photos.

When Ms. Dittmer, a 22-year-old Kitchener, Ont., resident, posted a status update two weeks ago that she missed her husband (who is studying in San Francisco for a semester), she said she received sympathetic messages from her friends.

But not everyone in the Facebook sphere takes kindly to these sorts of digital displays of affection.

Many singles are none too thrilled by the public declarations of love, lust or infatuation from married or engaged friends that appear on their news feeds.

The most extreme proclamations have been compiled at STFU, Marrieds – a wildly popular user-submitted blog that posts a few screen grabs each day of gushy status updates, you're-prettier/no- you're -prettier wall-to-walls, and exchanges that range from baby talk to dirty talk between couples.

While the singles accuse the marrieds of being oversharing braggarts, the marrieds affirm that they can't contain their happiness and suggest their detractors are sulky singles.

When Ms. Dittmer got hitched at 21, some friends suggested she rushed into marriage too quickly. So she partly talks about how much she loves Mr. Dittmer in her Facebook status updates to reassure others.

“I kind of feel a responsibility to people to let them know that everything's still wonderful between us,” she says.

It's exactly this kind of gushing that gets under Andrea Albeanu's skin. When the 23-year-old Orange County, Calif., resident noticed many of her married friends trilling on about how great their husbands were over Facebook, she created STFU, Marrieds.

She says the Internet has allowed couples who might not be so affectionate and lovey-dovey in person to unleash their passion online.

“It's because there's no one in front of them to scowl or give them a reaction,” she says.

Bella DePaulo, a Santa Barbara, Calif.,-based psychologist and author of Singled Out – a book that rebuts stereotypes about singles, said the romantic exchanges on the site are like public kissing or hand-holding, but highly amplified.

“To singles, what they're trying to say is, ‘Look at what I have that you don't.' It's smug.”

Since Erin McGuey, 23, got engaged to her boyfriend Chris Glazier in March, she has avoided talking about her upcoming nuptials on Facebook – for the most part. Last week, she slipped up and she updated her status: “in one year I will be Mrs. Glazier :)”

“I was really excited!” Ms. McGuey, a government communications adviser in Ottawa, says with a sheepish giggle. “That's my cop-out.”

The only other time she has wandered into the realm of schmoopy, she says, was earlier this summer, when Mr. Glazier was working up north for three weeks. The two traded comments of “you are my favourite” and “You're cute,” among others, on each other's walls.

But the really gushy stuff is saved for more private modes of communication, she says.

Less discreet are Kirk Anderson's newlywed friends Caleb and Lauren. Mr. Anderson, who lives in Washington, said the pair aren't very coupley in person, but on Facebook they are over the top in their “mutual narcissism.”

He submitted their wall-to-wall to STFU, Marrieds.

“You're my best friend, my lover, my confidant, my inspiration,” writes Lauren in one message. “You are stunning, and the absolutely perfect wife for me,” Caleb replies.

Mr. Anderson is single, but says even his married friends share his distaste for Caleb and Lauren's public exchanges.

“It causes people to recoil regardless of their relationship status,” said Mr. Anderson.

Ms. Albeanu says since launching STFU, Marrieds, she's faced accusations that she's a jealous single. “It's not because I'm bitter – it's irritating to anybody who has any sense of propriety,” she said.

Los Angeles-based relationship psychologist Yvonne Thomas isn't convinced.
“If they really don't want to be in a relationship, it wouldn't get to them,” Dr. Thomas says. “To find the site and then take the effort of cutting and pasting – come on!”

Ms. Dittmer says her friends have never given her a hard time – digitally, or in person – for saccharine Facebook posts – because they come from a genuine place. “It's because I miss him so much and love him so much I want to let the world know a little bit,” she said.

Rules of engagement
Worried you're a smug married online? Avoid these giveaways:

• A self-taken profile picture of the two of you mid-smooch.
• Status updates that refer to your “husband/wife,” “hubby/wifey,” “fiancé/fiancée” or “lover” accompanied by the words “best,” “perfect” or “adore.”
• Honeymoon or vacation photo albums where landmarks or tourist traps are specks in the background, with your grinning faces in the foreground.
• Status updates that refer to being depressed or lonely when your partner is gone – even just for the weekend.
• Wall-to-wall compliment-fests.

Dakshana Bascaramurty, The Globe & Mail

The Sunday Times: Why are they still single?

Four women look at reasons why they haven't found the right man.

I'm too picky: Gemma Soames, 29, journalist

When my last boyfriend and I broke up, I knew that he would be happily shacked up again within a couple of months, and that I would most probably be single for about another six years. Six months down the line and, so far, so prescient. While he nests in rural bliss with his new girlfriend, I am drowning in the shallows of mysinglefriend.com, being propositioned by two Pauls and four Richards — one of whom also goes by the alias “the Jaegermeister”, and none of whom I can quite bring myself to actually meet.

I am one of those people who is single more often that not. Always have been. Yet, in spite of people’s protestations — and “You can’t possibly be single” really is up there in the annoying stakes. For starters, what is one meant to reply? “Because the world is mad”? — the fact that I don’t have a boyfriend isn’t surprising at all. Actually, it’s quite the opposite. Because my kind of boyfriend is really hard to come by.

He needs to be (just) tall enough. And (just about) good-looking enough (but not so much so that I exist as the B-side to his fabulous, good-looking life). Then we need to factor in successful, solvent and driven. But (and this is where it tends to get tricky) he also needs to be long on genuinely good jokes, with a decent sideline in bad ones that only I find funny. He needs to speak good restaurant, to have no special dietary requirements and to always be discerning without ever being fussy. He needs to have never — not even for one drunk minute — sported directional facial hair. He needs to appreciate that a Dutch accent is hilarious. And he needs to be clever without ever making me feel stupid.

He needs to “get” but not “know” fashion. He needs to look like he moisturises, but have never actually done so, and be ready to look after me, yet totally let me get on with looking after myself. He needs to not own one single pair of side-buckle shoes. Or appear to use hair products. He needs to be brave enough to meet my sister, and to be able to say “Screw it. Let’s treat ourselves and go to Paris” without ever seeming one bit too flashy. And, when he’s around, he needs to be the only person in the room I’m really interested in talking to. And that, I fear, is the edited list.

My friend Jessie once pointed out to me — as I complained, again, that someone wasn’t quite right — that being so picky might not be the best idea. “Babe, you’re not Gisele” is how she broke the news. And she has a point. But this is how it is. I am picky, and I’m not prepared to compromise. I’d rather eat wasps than share my Sunday-night sushi with a man who wears tomato-coloured trousers.

I’m sure that, one day, my list will be whittled down by real life to “human and dog-loving”. And I may well end up happy with an unemployed, side-buckle-shoe-wearing, shea-buttered-up hair-gel aficionado. For now, though I’m holding fast. Because, from where I’m standing, settling for anything less just doesn’t seem an option. And I have a sneaking suspicion that he might be worth the wait.

I'm too independent: Edwina Ings-Chambers, 39, beauty director

Why am I single? Oh, you sound just like my mother. And yes, okay, maybe the fact that I have a tendency to prevaricate is a small part of the reason. Mostly, though, I think I’m single because I’m not bothered about being part of A Couple.

I don’t mind going through the mundanities of life on my own; in fact, I prefer doing the supermarket sweep on my tod, rather than turning every domestic chore into proof that I’m part of a bigger picture. I come from a large family, so I already know that I’m part of something greater than myself. And I like being able to organise myself without recourse to anyone else. Flying solo may mean I have all the pressure, but it also means I have all the freedom.

That’s not to say I wouldn’t like to find another half one day, and in reality I’m still waiting for

The One, for the Big Love, for the Real Deal. If I’m going to fall, then I want to be swept off my feet. More than that, I want a relationship that isn’t about making the small things more tolerable, but about making the bigger things more achievable — I want someone who encourages me to be unconventional, to risk everything on one turn of pitch and toss, someone who makes me dare. I don’t need my hand held through the day-to-dayness of life, I need one offered to catch me as I leap over the chasms and pitfalls of chasing my dreams. Right now, the best I can muster is to make the leap blind, scrabble on the scree on the other side and brush off my grazed knees by myself —and that’s if I manage to build up enough courage to take the leap at all. It can be painful — and even lonely.

If I yearn for anything, it’s having someone whose very presence reasons away my fears. But I do not see having a relationship as something that defines me, and I’m not prepared to treat it like a career — as many tell me I should. Apparently, I ought to set my mind to being a man-catcher, invest the same kind of focus, time and determination into meeting men that I invested in building my career — and fast, before I end up on the proverbial shelf. The snag is, I never even approached my career like that. I didn’t have a plan, I just worked hard and followed my instincts, and I don’t think that’s quite the strategy they mean. Likely I’ve watched way too many old movies for my own good, and can recite far more Bogie and Bacall exchanges than any modern woman should admit to. Yet I’m happy to sit it out and wait. He may not look as I imagine him — no raincoat or fedora, perhaps — but I’m happy to take the long view on romance and I’m willing to risk how it plays out. That much I can do alone.

I'm an alpha female: Lulu Le Vay, 38, music agent

At (a youthful) 38, I’m single. Single in the not-hitched-and-no-kids kind of way. Writing the word “single” next to “38” could make you shudder, but not when you remind yourself that more then half the women in London are without a ring on their finger.

In truth, I’ve been flying solo most of my life. I’ve always been able to attract and meet men, but I’ve not yet been able to make any of my relationships work in that happy-ending, soft-focus kind of way, if such a fantasy exists. If anyone is asked to describe me, the adjectives flow down a similar current: independent, feisty, strong-minded, high-achieving and, at times, intimidating. I’m not going to — and shouldn’t have to — apologise for it. Secretly, I quite like it.

I grew up with nine brothers, so I had to defend my corner. In short, I’m an alpha female. Sadly, the heavy scent of a strong, independent woman often proves too much for most men. My last serious relationship ended a year ago. I did genuinely think, for a few fleeting moments, that I might have met my life partner. But there was an imbalance. I had just landed a new contract and his business had just folded. After six months, it all went tits-up.

Since my twenties, I’ve prioritised making something out of my life. I’ve put the pedal to the metal pursuing a career I love, which gives me purpose, earns me respect and has helped to create the life I now have around me. I own a gorgeous flat with gorgeous things in it. I have a nice car. I’m a member of a fancy gym and I wear designer dresses. I do what I like, when I like. It endlessly surprises me how some men find all of the above tricky to deal with. In the last year alone, I’ve encountered a slew of lovely but insecure men. “Your flat is amazing, what must you think of mine?” they ask. “What can a man like me offer a woman like you?” “You’re far more successful and educated than I am.”

Well, boo-hoo. Could you all just man the hell up? Instead of being intimidated, step up to the challenge and let’s be an alpha couple.

I’ve been having too much fun: Francesca Gavin, 30, arts writer and curator

When I came out of the cosy quietness of my last long-term relationship, I became aware my party days were running out. There was only a limited time to play and do stupid things without looking like that ageing thirtysomething slurring at the bar. You’re only young once. And I was in no rush to find a new relationship.

I’m naturally sociable, and, while I was aware of the underlying superficiality of party life, I had no problem making the most of it. I’m very adaptable. I’m also freelance, and had no reason to force myself up in the mornings. And the invitations poured in. I dived head first into the art world, with its flow of openings, dinners and biennials. I spent days sunbathing by Shoreditch House’s pool, drinking passion-fruit chilli martinis. I went to dirty clubs in east London so often that a Hoxton cab company started giving me a discount. I wrote a book about creative people’s homes around the globe and spent a year exploring Tokyo, New York, Paris and Berlin, making friends and work contacts, having decadent nights at hotels and dive bars, kissing creative boys who looked cute, but were emotionally underdeveloped and on the young side. In short, the past couple of years have been a never-ending trip of hedonistic fun. Not surprisingly, I’ve remained single, bar a few flings. It is rather hard to forge a relationship when you are in and out of the country. I meet tons of men, but they’re the ones preoccupied with going out — who just want a good-time girl. And my life can sound ridiculous to a bloke doing the nine to five. When it includes drowning in prosecco at the Bauer Hotel, in Venice, before stopping in Paris, then heading to Basel, how do you respond to “What have you been up to?” without sounding like a show-off?

I’m beginning to rein things in, though. At heart, I’m rather old-fashioned, and would be happy to settle down. I’m tired of finding myself in inappropriate romantic situations. And I am bored with the hangovers and the worry of what all this fabulousness is doing to my health. But the grass is always greener. I heard a story about a 70-year-old Parisian lady in the Marais, going to bars in her furs and being escorted home by twentysomething men. It didn’t sound that bad a future.

Happily ever after

When I was 14 my friend's mom said she could predict when I'd get married. Plucking a piece of hair straight from my scalp and tying it to her gold wedding band, I watched with baited breath as she dangled the makeshift pendulum over a glass of water. The number of times the ring tapped the side of the glass indicated how old I'd be when I wed.

Twenty-nine taps. I turned 30 last year. I'm still single.

I know I'm not alone. There are plenty of other 30-something singles out there. What does concern me is how the pressure to pair up and procreate is more intense than ever. No, it’s not my mother nagging me for grandchildren or my friends wondering what’s wrong with me. It’s something else – something bigger than us all.

Every time I turn on the TV it seems like I’m exposed to yet another reality show following the life of a very famous (or a very short … or a very tall … or a very overweight) couple. Either that or it’s some impossibly large family (thank you fertility drugs) with parents who clearly couldn’t feed or clothe their brood without the financial support of TLC. The rare program that does portray a single always seems to do so with the same goal in mind: to get him or her engaged and married as quickly and efficiently as possible, as if being alone isn’t exciting enough fodder for a half-hour show – or, for that matter, happy enough an ending.

And what about the swarm of self-help literature out there with such promising titles as “How To Find & Marry Your Soulmate” and “The Roadmap to True, Lasting Love?” Those, along with celebrity gossip mags that have made engagement rings and baby bumps headline news and the vast virtual sea of Internet dating sites have got me completely convinced: couples still dominate the cultural landscape.

It really strikes me as strange; at a time when the social pressures to marry are more relaxed than they have been in the past (think “Leave It To Beaver” and earlier, when women pretty much had no other option but to snag a husband), why is there seemingly more importance placed on pairing off than ever before?

Like it or not, modern-day singles must endure a constant over-glamourization of coupling. It’s almost as if pairing up is seen as magical: once you find this person, your life will be transformed. And though a myriad of studies prove a rising number of singles out there, there’s still a stigma attached to going solo. Single people are seen as sadder, lonelier and less mature than their coupled counterparts (there must be something wrong with them).

I know everyone will have their own opinion, but to me it really doesn’t seem like society has even remotely started to accept singles. Almost the reverse seems to be happening: a return to big marriages, big weddings, big gowns and big diamond rings.

Not only that, the idea that single is a great way to live is not what I see being true. Think about the most famous single foursome of all time. As long as Carrie, Miranda, Charlotte and Samantha were without men they were in constant search for that missing piece. Indeed, there was something about the way their lives – and their failure when it came to relationships – were portrayed that … well, to put it bluntly, necessitated the making of a feature film that would tie up all those pesky loose (i.e., single) ends.

But not all hope is lost. There are some great role models for singles to look up to. In Robert Munsch’s children’s book “The Paper Bag Princess,” Princess Elizabeth rescues Prince Ronald, her betrothed, from a dragon. In the process, however, the dragon’s fiery breath burns Elizabeth’s fancy gown, forcing her to don a brown paper bag. When she appears to Ronald he belittles her bedraggled appearance.

Elizabeth’s response to Ronald? “Your clothes are really pretty and your hair is neat. You're like a real prince, but you are a bum.”

The two don't marry after all.

Decisions. Not for the faint of heart.

Decisions, decisions. Why is it so hard? Once upon a time it was so simple. Our greatest decisions involved what classes to take, what to do on a Friday night (or Saturday, or Wednesday for that matter), what guy to bring to the party and what part-time job to pursue. For the most part, on the micro scale, our decisions did not directly affect our future. Now, I understand that our choice to go to University, select our major and drive towards our future career paths required some decisions, but for the most part, everything fell into place.

Somehow throughout my twenties, my ability to make decisions has wavered and I constantly find myself at a loss for what to do. Sometimes this takes the form of walking aimlessly around the grocery store trying to pick something for dinner -- comfort food that is uninspired but reliable or the exotic that is intriguing but untrodden. Sometimes my indecisiveness directly affects my ability to make real and important life decisions. Such is the case right now.

I currently find myself at a crossroads -- like many we have discussed previously in this blog -- and I need to decide my path. On the left is the life I have always known which has brought me "some" stability, lots of heartache, but a general sense of comfort. On the right is a life of adventure with many twists and turns, uncertainty, but with the hope of such greatness at the end. While the choice may seem obvious, it is hard to walk away from everything you have known for the unknown that awaits. My mind is filled with so many doubts and so many "what if" scenarios that Old Reliable seems like a welcomed friend.

Maybe it is my biological clock that is ticking. Maybe I am realizing that my decisions cannot be as footloose and fancy free as they were ten years ago as I do not have as much time to make mistakes as I once did. Time is such a relative element. For men, they do not have this looming deadline that happens at some unknown time around the age of forty. Their actions today do not have as much of a direct impact on their eventual ability to conceive a child. In the end, that's what this is all about.

But then I saw a good, dear friend last night whom, due to her living abroad, I had not seen for several years. We spoke about her adventures pursued alongside her husband and their eventual decision to move home to have their baby. They have both agreed that theirs is a life that will continue to be filled with exciting possibilities and future expat pursuits. We discussed how we only have one chance to make our life amazing and to embrace every presented challenge and adventure. When I have doubts, I will just remember these words of wisdom from a wise friend. While the unknown may be scary, the rewards are immeasurable.

TGIF? Not for some singles ...

It’s the end of another work week and, while everyone else is practically giddy with anticipation of the looming weekend, you’re slowly suffocating in a sea of dread. If you look forward to Fridays with about the same enthusiasm you reserve for dental appointments and unclogging a shower drain, don’t despair – there are plenty of singles out there who feel the same.

For many of us solo souls, Sleep-in Saturdays and Lazy Sundays kind of lose their appeal in the wake of two long days alone without the distraction of work. When you only have yourself to think of end-of-week errands seem to get done in record-breaking times. While this is greatif your main concern is efficiency, it’s actually a real drag when you’re trying to FILL rather than FREE UP 48 hours of dead time.

When couples find themselves temporarily apart on weekends they seem to really savour their “alone time.” Not so when “alone” is your constant state. While a girl who, upon finding herself at home alone while her boyfriend visits his parents, revels in the time she can spend catching up on her reading, controlling the remote and eating crackers in bed, the single girl – without an expiration date set on her alone time – views the same pastimes with considerable less luster.

There she is. Alone. With. Nothing. To. Do.

Doing nothing is fantastic – wonderful – when you have someone to do it with. No plans for Friday night? No problem! We’ll just grab a pizza and watch some bad TV (the networks know everyone worth entertaining is too busy to tune in on Friday night). As anyone who’s passed the two-year mark with a partner knows, weekends aren’t a whirlwind of exciting dates, romantic picnics and art exhibits anymore. They’re about changing light bulbs, cleaning out the lint trap in the dryer and picking up dog food. And that’s a good relationship.

But there’s a bright side. Looking at staying home alone – again – tonight? If the thought fills you with dread and anxiety, change your attitude. Make a conscious date with Stacey and Clinton (watching TLC’s What Not to Wear will ensure that, when you do have exciting plans, you’ll know how to dress yourself for the occasion), grab the ingredients for your fave meal (you know, that weird tofu-vegetarian thing your ex used to fake-vomit at) and a decent bottle of red (you don’t have to share it with anyone but yourself).

Now break it down. Does doing nothing as a “we” really outrank doing nothing as a “me?” Considering no one’s going to be changing the channel to catch the game, making retching sounds while you eat and passing out early on the couch before you can even get to bed – it hardly seems so.

Sorry to burst your bubble: it's National Singles Week

National Singles Week happens annually; this year, the dates to "celebrate" are September 20-26, 2009. A little background for you: NSW was started by the Buckeye Singles Council in Ohio in the 1980s. When that organization disbanded, a woman named Janet Jacobsen of Scottsdale, Arizona, who, at the time, was co-ordinator of the National Singles Press Association.

I'm not really sure how I feel about this "endorsement." Sometimes I think the more you call out a particular group of people that share a particular (sometimes perceived as "odd") trait, the more you end up differentiating them. And trust me, the jump from "different" to "not normal" isn't that long a leap.

Better that being single, at any age or life stage, is as normal and accepted as marriage - so much so that it doesn't need validation by having its own special holiday.

The ultimate goal

There are plenty of reasons to feel good about being single – even if you feel slightly off-kilter in the love or life department. We’ve used this blog as a medium to relate some of those things to you: the independence, the possibilities, the freedom – the shopping! Ultimately, however, there is only one all-encompassing source of empowerment from which every single – and every half of a couple, for that matter – can draw from: love of self.

The most obvious cliché that comes to mind (a maxim almost all being-single-related conversations are saturated with) is: “You must love yourself before you can love or be loved by someone else.” Whether these are words you live by or a piece of advice you’re really, really sick of hearing, it’s the truth.

But there’s a catch. The goal behind true self-love is not to bring a relationship you’re your life. Love – of any kind – isn’t a 12-step program. You don’t strive for one milestone simply to be able to move on to the next. True self-love is, in fact, the ultimate goal – there is nothing more beyond it. Even if you start striving for it for all the wrong reasons, once you’ve truly achieved it you’ll see there’s nothing else you need (or will want) to attain. It’s pretty much the end of the line – and that’s a good thing.

Having said that, it may be time for us singles (and everyone, for that matter) to stop focusing on finding someone and start focusing on finding ourselves. What makes this idea hard to blog about is, as is often the case, words don’t do it justice. It’s the kind of thing only personal realization can articulate. But if you’re struggling, and feel like you’ve tried everything to find love, maybe you can just trust the idea and give loving yourself a go. If you succeed you’ll know: there’s nothing better out there and nothing more you need.

So all that attention and energy you’ve been exerting to find a partner? Shift it back toward yourself. There are lots of things you can do to learn more about self-love, which is something that can take work to achieve, especially if it’s never come naturally to you. There are loads of books about it, not to mention the Internet. More than likely there’s a class offered somewhere in your community – sign up and let someone else lead you down the path. Self-love is the REAL goal – no matter WHAT society says about love and marriage.

And a final point: it’s not about giving up on the hope of having a relationship with another person or succumbing to the idea you’ll always be alone. No. 1: When you really, really love yourself you’ll be supremely happy, and you’ll feel fulfilled no matter what your life looks like. No. 2: Loving yourself is, hands down, the best way to give others love. And that’s what they really mean when they say, “You gotta love yourself first.”

NB: We did a quick Google search for "self-love" and got the following hits:

• Your trump card: self-love (Psychology Today)
• The circle of love: do you love yourself? (Not Alone)

Love-aholic

Intimate relationships can improve your life – or make it miserable. Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen’s blog post names seven signs of addictive relationships (which generally make life miserable).

These signs of addictive relationships will help you recognize an unhealthy marriage or partnership – because they can be hard to see, especially when you're in the middle of it. Some psychologists believe that if you grew up in a dysfunctional home, your chances of being in a dysfunctional or addictive relationship are higher. You feel like you're not worthy of being loved so you settle for a partner who treats you badly. This could be obvious abuse or the less obvious addictive relationship.

What is an Addictive Relationship?
According to Terence Gorski in Why Do I Keep Doing That? an addictive relationship involves one person who is self-centered and extremely independent. This partner (let's call him Selfish Sam – but it could just as easily be Selfish Sally) believes he's entitled to whatever he wants whenever he wants it. He surrounds himself with people who support his opinions of himself. The other partner (we'll call her Dependant Debbie but it could be Dependent Darren) is dependent and other-centered, and willing to mirror whatever the first partner wants. She's simply a reflection of him. This is how addictive relationships work.

About addictive relationships Gorski says, "It works until the other-centered person runs out of steam one night and doesn't have enough energy to mirror back what is needed. The relationship is going to blow up. Addictive relationships do not necessarily have to have self-centered and other-centred partners, but it's the norm."

Seven signs of addictive relationships
1. Dishonesty. Neither Sam nor Debbie talks about who they are or what's really bothering them. They lie about what they want. This turns communication into an addictive relationship.
2. Unrealistic expectations. Both Sam and Debbie think the other will solve their self-esteem, body image, family, and existential problems. They believe the "right relationship" will make everything better. Yet, they're in a disastrous addictive relationship.
3. Instant gratification. Sam expects Debbie to be there for him whenever he needs her; he needs her to make him happy immediately. He's using her to make him feel good, and isn't relating to her as a partner or even a human being. She's a like drug. An addictive relationship drug.
4. Compulsive control. Debbie has to act a certain way, or Sam will threaten to leave her. Both feel pressure to stay in this addictive relationship; neither feel like they're together voluntarily.
5. Lack of trust. Neither partner trusts the other to be there when the chips are down. They don't believe the other really loves them, and they don't believe genuine caring or liking exists. At some level they know they're not in a healthy but rather in an addictive relationship.
6. Social isolation. Nobody else is invited into their relationship – not friends, family, or work acquaintances. People in addictive relationships want to be left alone.
7. Cycle of pain. Sam and Debbie are trapped in a cycle of pleasure, pain, disillusionment, blaming, and reconnection. The cycle repeats itself until one partner breaks free of the addictive relationship.

Addictive relationships can change, if both partners are self-aware and willing to do what it takes. In some cases an objective viewpoint (such as counseling) helps; other times, self-control and mutual accountability are all that's needed to turn the addictive relationship around.

Read the rest: Suite 101.

1,003 great things about being single

No, I am not going to subject you to 1,003 great things, but I thought I would discuss three that made for a fabulous September Saturday. The title of the post, however, comes from a book that I saw entitled "1,003 Great Things About Being a Mom." I thought it was rather fitting that I stumbled across this book; as co-writer of SiS it made for a great topic to blog about.

There was no accompanying book about being single. Maybe that will be a future project for us, but it was once again an example of what we have been talking about. The beauty of my find was that I was headed to the cashier with a gorgeous pair of chocolate suede Michael Kors boots. I would therefore like to proclaim this activity the No. 1 thing about being single. The average mother embodied in the book would likely not have the same frivolous purchase in her hands. Selfish or justified, it is a perk of being single!

The second perk happened later in the afternoon. After a wonderful day of shopping in the sunshine, I grabbed my Italian language text book (yes, I am learning Italian), purchased a gelato and headed to the park to practice. It was such a great way to spend the early evening as the sun was setting. The likelihood of this experience as a mother with young children is very slim - both in terms of having the time for oneself and the time to learn a new language. As a single, I enjoyed every minute.

The final perk occurred as we celebrated our friend's 29th birthday. Aside from the fact that we were able to get together, have a couple of drinks at the apartment and then head out on the town, we were able to do so with no strings attached and no one to answer to. Later that evening, I found myself talking to another girl - but a mere 21 years of age - who asked me how we all knew each other. I responded that we were in the same sorority together and she was astonished that we were all friends so many years later. She said she could only hope to have such wonderful friendships in her life.

I am happy being single right now. One day I hope to have children and a husband and all of the wonders that motherhood brings but right now I don't have to feel bad about my single status. That's what this is all about. It isn't about creating divisions between the singles and the marrieds, but reaching out to other singles to say that there isn't anything wrong with you for being single. Soak up every minute of its glory because one day your life might be very different.

What becomes of a broken heart?

I spoke to my ex today for the first time in a long time. We are trying to co-ordinate the shipment of what used to be our cat. When he left the relationship (and our home) he took Eddie. Now that he's getting busy with work he doesn't have the time to take care of him properly. So he's shipping him to me in Vancouver from Toronto. I'll pick Eddie up from the airport tomorrow.

But that's not really the point. During our conversation he asked me if I was still with a boyfriend he'd known about. I answered honestly - no, we'd recently broken up. I didn't want to ask him the same question: are you still with someone? But it was all I could think about as he told me he is coming to Vancouver for work and would like to see me, have dinner or something. I know in my heart the only way I can see him when he arrives in a few months' time is if he's single and unattached, and if I am, too.

Why? I'm not exactly sure. This was the guy who broke my heart. There is no happy ending to my story with him. It was an extremely hard break for me - in fact, it resulted in me packing up six years' worth of life in Toronto and moving back home, unable to cope without the support of my old friends and family.

It's OK, people said. It wasn't meant to be with him. You'll find someone else, someone better for you. So far no luck. I haven't felt the same deep love for another person since. Sometimes I wonder if I ever will. Was he my only chance at true love or is it just a matter of time before I find something even better? I'm not sure; I can only wait and see.

But talking to him makes all those old emotions well up again. I wonder if that's a good thing or not. Four years or so after the fact and I'm still not completely over it? Is that right? Is it normal? Will I ever be free of this burden? Is it up to me to let go, to make the choice not to feel anything more about the situation? Is it really a matter of time? Or does your first unrequited love stay with you forever, haunting you with memories of what could have been?

Finally, I built up the nerve to ask. "I'm nervous about asking you this," I said slowly into the phone. "But, are YOU single now?"

There was a pause at the end of the line. A good two to three seconds, which felt like an eternity.

"No, I'm not."

And really, my heart sank. Not quite to the extent that it exploded into a million tiny pieces that night nearly four years ago when I stood at our apartment window, watching him drive to sleep elsewhere for the first night during our long relationship, but it did sink. It's still hurting now, as I sit here blogging about it in an attempt to sort out my feelings and hopefully make myself feel better. He still affects me - or, the breakup does.

I won't be in contact with him again - today we spoke for the first time in over a year, and for a specific reason, which I can't imagine happening again anytime soon - but by writing it here and having all of you read it, hopefully the universe will send him the message that I don't want to see him when he comes here for his work. I don't want to get a call and feel flustered and unsure. I don't want him to see me without his partner knowing. I don't want him to know about my private life and relationships, whether I'm single or not, or feel happy or sorry for me either way. I don't want to ask him again, "So, are you single now?" I'm afraid the answer will hurt too much.

Maclean's: The case against having kids (excerpts)

Elaine Lui was 29 years old and had been married for a year when she and her husband decided they didn't want children. Front-line exposure to a relative's three young children and the work they required provided a wake-up call. "That killed it for us."

As baby refusniks the couple belongs to a tiny but growing minority challenging the final frontier of reproductive freedom: the right to say no to children without being labelled social misfits or selfish for something they don't want.

Still, in a pro-natalist culture that celebrates the "yummy mummy," and obsessively monitors baby bumps and the mini Jolie-Pitt entourage in magazines, saying "I don't want kids" is akin to "There's a bomb on the plane."

Speaking up on the subject can elicit a smackdown. Last February, the 37-year-old journalist Polly Vernon wrote a defiant column in the Guardian enumerating the reasons she didn't want children: "I'm appalled by the idea. Both instinctually ('Euuuw! You think I should do what to my body?') and intellectually ("And also to my career, my finances, my lifestyle and my independence?)." The response was terrifying. "E-mails and letters arrived, condemning me, expressing disgust. I was denounced as bitter, selfish, un-sisterly, unnatural, evil."

Lui, who writes the popular celebrity blog LaineyGossip.com, says, "Motherhood is the ultimate whitewash. Steal somebody's husband, or be a drug addict, then become a mother and you're redeemed."

In a culture in which Jennifer Aniston's childlessness provides weekly tabloid lamentations, a female star who goes public with the decision to remain so demonstrates courage. In a recent interview in U.K. Cosmopolitan, 36-year-old Cameron Diaz, who is childless, expressed a disinclination to have children, citing environmental reasons: "We don't need any more kids. We have plenty of people on this planet. I think women are afraid to say they don't want children because they're going to get shunned."

"Children were not a way of ensuring happiness or endowing my days with meaning," the poet Lorna Crozier writes. "That hard task was mine alone."

But no book on the subject has been more provocative or summoned more furor than Corinne Maier's No Kids: 40 Good Reasons Not to Have Children, in which she deploys an acerbic wit to dismantle the idealized depiction of parenthood perpetuated by the state. "To be childless is considered a defect; irrevocable judged, those who don't want children are also the objects of pity."

But Maier believes "conscientious objectors to this fertility mythology" should be rewarded, not stigmatized. "To have a kid in a rich country is not the act of a citizen. The state should be helping those who decide not to have children: less unemployment, less congestion, fewer wars."

Much of what Maier has to say won't be breaking news to most parents: children kill desire in a marriage and can be demanding money pits. Without them, you can keep up with your friends [SiS: so why are WE so often considered the ones who are lagging behind our parent friends?] and enjoy your independence.

Research backs Maier's assertions, finding that childless marriages are far happier and people derive more satisfaction from eating, exercising, shopping, napping or watching TV than taking care of their kids. "Indeed, looking after the kids appears to be only slightly more pleasant than doing housework."

Yet a 2007 Pew Research Center survey found people insisted that their relationships with their children are of the greatest importance to their happiness. Author Daniel Gilbert (Stumbling Upon Happiness) believes the reason people say this is because they're expected to.

In No Kids, Maier lampoons the modern family ("an inward-looking prison focused on the child") and the prevailing mindset that celebrates reproducing one's DNA as "the ultimate objective of human experience." Over-attentive focus on children saps cultural creativity, she argues: "Children are often used as an excuse for giving up on life without really trying. It takes real courage to say, 'Me first.'"

Parents, not non-parents, are the selfish ones, she avers: "Every baby born in a developed country is an ecological disaster for the whole planet."

And that in turn has created a backlash among the childless that is less focused on children than on modern parenting itself., what Lui refers to as the "mommy cult" and Vernon calls the "pampering cult of Bugaboo-wielding, Mumsnet-bothering dullness." Like Maier, Vernon doesn't like what parenting does to grownups: "Spare me the one-track conversations. Spare me the self-righteousness, the sense of entitlement, spare me the pretensions of martyrdom and selflessness." There's NOTHING selfless about having a baby, she argues, pulling out The Planet card: "You really want to be selfless? Adopt."

In fact, the precise goal of the most extreme childlessness advocates out there, the Voluntary Human Extinction Movement, is this: "The hopeful alternative to the extinction of millions of species of plants and animals is the voluntary extinction of one species: Homo Sapiens. Us."

Some research explores the common concern that the childless will be lonely or bereft in old age: they're no less lacking in support than those with children. "There's no guarantee that having children will make you happy or not having them will make you sad."

In fact, what any happiness appears to stem from is not children or their absence but rather the ability to make the choice. Why then, Lui points out, "did we fight so hard to make this choice, only to have it not respected when we do?"

The laws of attraction

Once upon a time the law of attraction was a simple one. Women were attracted to the hunter who could kill the largest beast, the strongest Alpha male who, in turn, would bring home the most food to support the family. Genetics and "status," therefore, went hand-in-hand.

Throughout the years the law of attraction has wavered. Physical appearance and hunting ability (read: finances) are no longer synonymous. While women are naturally attracted to the the man who will provide good offspring they are equally attracted to the one who can support the family. This has been documented through various research projects and explains to some extent why women appear to be attracted to money. There is a genetic connection.

What will happen, however, now that women have shed the domestic life and ventured into the boardroom? If they're able to catch their own beast will they still need a man to provide it for them or will their genetic makeup and preferences change?

This was a topic for discussion over wine and appies on Friday's girls' night. We all agreed we'd been raised with the expectation that the male would be the breadwinner. Society (and, possibly, our parents) instilled in us we could do whatever we wanted as women - so long as the man brought home a larger paycheque. Mothers shared with their daughters that a man would be uncomfortable if a woman made more money than him and that, for a harmonious marriage, women must still be somewhat subservient to their husbands. Despite this advice, many of us continue to pursue educational and professional goals; the thrill of promotions and progress are contagious.

But as we climb the corporate ladder the pool of available suitors is becoming more shallow. As we become managers, directors and VPs, the pyramidal executive ranking hinders our chances of finding the one.

What is the single professional woman to do? Does she cast off the teachings of society that the man needs to be superior? Stories of women heading to the boardroom and men staying home with the children have become urban folklore of recent times. Interestingly enough, for some of the executive females in my own company it made financial sense for the man to stay home while they continued working. I wonder if these women purposely sought out men who would be content with living the domestic life? Were they conscious of their actions in finding a partner who could be the caregiver or was it purely a financial decision once her prospects began to improve?

It is a topic I must give increasing thought to. Always pursuing the (future) executive, will this man be happy with my equal - or possibly greater - vocational status? How do his genetics come into play? Like his ancestors, is he looking strictly for the woman to provide offspring or has his makeup changed now that women are gaining ground? While DNA can take centuries to adapt, my timeline is much shorter. Any suggestions for genetic modification are welcome!

Female ambition: You are your own glass ceiling

So, while not specific to relationships in society, I felt that the below article from Newsweek is really important to professional women. We are our own glass ceiling! Read on!

-KP

I did a media-training session with a couple of colleagues a few weeks back, to hone our on-camera skills. There were seven of us—four men, three women—and each of us was interviewed, then critiqued, on a giant flat-screen television overhead. I spoke about a story I'd spent months working on, and gave what I thought was a confident interview. So did my other female colleagues.

But when we watched ourselves on the big screen, our apprehension became embarrassingly clear—especially in comparison to our male counterparts. The trainer described me as "sing-songy," my voice inflecting up, time and again, turning my statements into questions. We used self-defeating words like "sort of," and started our sentences with "I'm not sure, but"—doubting our opinions before we even expressed them. The irony, of course, is that we're accomplished journalists; we knew these topics well. So why did we sound so unsure of ourselves?

It was mortifying to watch myself apologize to the camera, but the consequence of that insecurity isn't just bad media. According to a new book about female self-esteem, being cautious and apologetic impacts just about every standard measure of success in the workplace: money, accomplishment, recognition. In The Curse of the Good Girl, author Rachel Simmons argues that women pressure themselves to fit the mold of modest, selfless, rule-following "good girl" for fear of being labeled a "bitch." But it's those bitchlike qualities that help us get ahead—which means we're left with imbalanced salaries, lower titles, and shorter professional trajectories. "In many ways the zeitgeist is that girls are excelling and boys are having trouble," says Simmons. "But it all depends on what you're measuring."

Read the rest

Thirty isn't the new 20 - it's a a million times better

Whether I thought I’d still be single at 30 isn't the point - I am, and I don’t regret it. I’ve had opportunities and experiences being single thus far in life that I wouldn’t trade for all the "I dos" in the world.

Many people I interact with in life have no idea what it’s like to be single and 30, so I just thought I’d share a few notes.

Being single at 30 is entirely different than being single in your 20s - that's early, mid and late 20s. If you haven’t experienced single at 30 for yourself, just know it’s not the same as the experience you had when you were in college and dating - or even 27 and dating. So many people don't seem to realize this simple fact, so keep it in mind.

How is it different? In some ways it’s better and in other ways it’s harder.

It’s better because I’ve grown and matured and am much more capable of processing things and dealing with issues than I used to be, and for that I am very thankful. When I was younger I didn’t trust God (it's just a word people - I'm talking about a higher power, which could very well exist inside yourself) as well and I wasn’t as grounded, so when something went bust it shook me up more than it does now.

I’m so thankful God uses experiences to help us grow and teach us, otherwise we’d never make it. The emotional rollercoaster that a relationship or even desire for a relationship can be has become much more tame, more like the teacups than, say, the scream-a-nator. I’m getting sick just thinking about it. So anyway, I’ll take a spin on the teacups any day! (The line's shorter, anyhow.)

It’s harder for a few reasons: the pool of available/datable guys is shrinking and so is the pool of close friends who are still single. Many (most) of my friends have moved on even from the newly-married stage to the baby-making stage. By no means am I saying they aren't still great friends, but there is something to be said for knowing others that are in the same life stage as you. And trust me, it's almost as hard to find new single friends to hang with as it is single men to date.

And then there's the old biological clock. Admittedly, this doesn't bother me nearly as much as some of the other single gals I know who are also in their 30s, but for them it’s like a constant nagging reminder that the older you get the more risky (generally) pregnancy will be, that you really want to be married for a couple of years before having kids and that maybe you’d better start doing something you’re not already doing so you can have that family you’ve always wanted before it’s too late.

(Side note: It bothers me when my single friends talk about feeling this way. In my opinion, it’s simply a matter of fate. They’re single right now because they’re meant to be (i.e. there is a good reason for it, though it may not be apparent currently) and, if they’re meant to have children, they will. Hence my dislike of the many fertility drugs and methods available to us these days. If you’re not meant to have kids – at any age – you’re not meant to have kids. It’s Mother Nature’s form of population control.)

So those are some of the ways that being single is different at 30. Please feel free to comment on what you might relate to or agree with, and what you might not.