What is the one and only word that says who you are?

As I had previously mentioned, I am reading Eat. Pray. Love. for the second time and it is having such a different meaning for me. I seem to have the ability to relate every character, heroine, love story, tragedy, even horoscope to my own life. Still, somehow a 32 year old woman who leaves a marriage and pursues her dreams in Italy (among other countries) has an uncanny likeness. While I didn't leave a marriage, the end of a 4 year relationship and engagement had the same effect on me.  Of course I have also found my own adventures and love for Italy, but that is a story for another post.

Elizabeth Gilbert discusses with Giulio, a plutonic friend in Rome, about how different cities have their own word associated with them.  Rome's is sex, the Vatican's is power (not faith), New York's is achieve, LA's is succeed, Naples' is fight and Stockholm's is conform.  Gilbert then tries to find her word, a challenge I feel every woman should undertake.  Gilbert knows that her words are not family or marriage -- for this was the life she had just left.  She was also happy (as am I) that her word (and mine) is no longer depression. She then toys with some possibilities -- seek, hide, pleasure, devotion -- and none quite stick.  It is hard to find one word that sums up who you are. 

I was discussing this with a friend and she actually came up with my word.  I don't know if this still counts, after all, it wasn't my creative idea, but it is so perfect. My word is evolve, or more precisely, evolving as it is an action, a process that I am undergoing.  Who I am is changing at such a rapid pace.  I have learned more about myself in the last ten months than I had in twenty-nine years. I have changed my outlook on life, on love, on duty and on happiness. I am evolving into the person, and woman I really want to be.  It may be a little scarier than the marriage word I had once focused so intently on, but it allows for so many possibilities and that is exactly where I want to be.

What is your word?

A Single at a Wedding. Adventures in Tofino...con't.

I have now returned to Vancouver and wanted to share what was a fantastic weekend.  My second wedding as a Single could not have turned out any better and I did not feel ostracized, embarrassed or shamed in the least. Maybe this was partly due to my state of mind, but I think it was largely the actions of the guests and wedding party.

Both families were incredibly welcoming and hospitable. On the eve of the wedding, I met up with the bride's aunts and uncles and they treated me like I was one of their own.  The mother of the bride has 11 siblings, so four were there with their spouses and they mentioned how accustomed they are to having new people come in and out of their family.  By the end of the evening, we were joking that I was "cousin Kristie" and even "Oma" (the 87 year old grandmother) was telling me how I my colouring and personality made me like one of the family.

The wedding day was spectacular.  Until recently I had thought I would want a large wedding where I would be worshipped as the princess of the ball, but the 45 at this wedding could not have been more perfect.  The ceremony was on the beach, followed by a cocktail reception and elaborate meal and wine pairing. The size of the wedding allowed the bride and groom to recognize every single person throughout the speeches and individuals were able to get up and tell stories about the couple.  It was so intimate and I could not have imagined it working out any better.  I made friends with a woman who was there with her husband and darling 11 month old little boy.  He was such a charmer to the ladies and he and I had a special connection.  Again the pangs of wanting children creeped up on me, but I was able to douse the feelings by remembering that my opportunity will come and that it is not a race, despite the societal pressures that claim that it is the "thing to do" at 30. The evening ended with an "Arabian Nights" gathering in a tent on the beach and it could not have been a better ending to the perfect day.

What was so noteworthy to me as a Single at the wedding, was the level of understanding and support of the families and select guests.  For some reason I found myself sharing my very personal story with a few people and they had such faith in my decisions and the path I plan to take. They even told me that they expect to hear updates from the bride at the next family reunion. I felt such a warmth enveloping me and did not feel I had to justify my "status" or feel ashamed for being alone. A person's kindness can make such a difference in the world. I feel so blessed to have been part of this celebration. 

Can Singles Survive in a Couple's Town?

I am currently writing from Tofino, British Columbia.  For those not familiar, it is on the west coast of Vancouver Island and is the last destination before a long stretch of ocean and Japan on the other side. It is well known for its surfers and tourists and in my case, a wedding.  I arrived here yesterday and had no idea the beauty that awaited me.

Tofino is also known as a great couple's getaway. My beautiful room has a king sized bed, two lounge chairs on my private patio, two wine glasses, two complimentary breakfast vouchers and one fireplace. Being a Single, this could provide much reason for sadness and anxiety, although I am pleasantly surprised that loneliness has not reared its ugly head.  The bed is large enough for me to stretch out in a starfish and the beach is steps away for me to go on long, romantic walks (solo!).

There are three female Singles at this wedding.  Myself, the sister of the bride and the sister of the groom.  An interesting combination I think.  The bride's sister came over last night before dinner and we popped a bottle of champagne, took some pictures of the stunning setting and sat back to chat in our "couple's retreat".  All things considered, it was a pretty wonderful time.  Today we are going for a bike ride to explore the little town and tonight I will likely relax in my soaker tub with Eat.Pray.Love. (my second reading!)

More updates to come, but I guess my revelation is that a Single in the right mind set can overcome any of the mental landmines she may encounter. So I am off for my run on the beach, workout in the gym and daytime activities in this couple's domain.  Wish me luck!  

Hey Singles! Ever thought of pursuing an office romance?

Office liaisons can lift hearts?or just raise eyebrows | Article | Homepage articles

I have never had any interest in pursuing anyone in the workplace, but I am not against it as long as good judgment is used. I once had two co-workers who are now married. We didn't even know they were in a relationship until he quit and proposed to his office romance. 

There is truth, regardless of age or generation,that our personal and professional lives are blurring more and more. As long as we manage our online and and in-person "footprint", I don' think there should be anything wrong with dating in the workplace. What do you think?

If you are already pursuing a workplace relationship, check out these tips on how to 

Conceal An Office Romance.

Happy dating!

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Are Women Still Looking For Prince Charming?

Are Women Still Looking For Prince Charming?

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A married woman and mother comments on Single in Society

I wanted to share this wonderful comment as a result of the post "Three Women and a Baby". We love hearing from singles as well as marrieds/mothers, so keep the conversation flowing! 

Anonymous said...

It was in fact MY HUSBAND who read your blog before I did and walked me arm in arm to the computer screen. He was moved by not only your articulate and colorful descriptions of your observations of society, but also your hopeful and open-minded conclusions. Apparently married men find single women's insights just as interesting as other single women!!

What thoughtful and challenging friends the two of you must be!! (wink wink!) 

As a new mother, I can completely relate to what you describe. What I find additionally interesting is how pockets of society craft "milestone norms" if you will, that are not in fact norms at all if one just steps outside of the postal code. They are really just comfort zones that women can somehow measure up to in times of uncertainty. Get married, don't, have a baby, don't, whatever makes you happy. I'll be happy that you are happy! 

Bravo to you both. I hope you will continue to shed light on both the real and perceived ideas of women in society in general and in the process of creating dialogue tear down these perceived norms and build lasting and supportive relationships amongst them.

OCTOBER 5, 2009 2:56 PM

Manolos and Doggie Biscuits

You may recall, a few years ago, our oh-so-favourite Carrie Bradshaw attended a baby shower where her prized Minolos were stolen. Upon deliberating with her crew, she calculated the amount she had spent on bridal showers, bachelorette parties, wedding gifts, baby showers, first birthdays...the list goes on. As a single lady, she never had the party, never had the gift, never had the celebratory drink or cake or hors d'oeuvre in her honour. 

When the hostess was confronted about the missing heels, she reluctantly offered compensation. They were Manolos -- a very expensive shoe -- and the friend balked at the exorbitant price and frivolity of the item. She spoke of duties and parenthood and all the reasons why she shouldn't be required to pay such a sum. 

The end result included Carrie registering for her prized shoes and the hostess grudgingly making the purchase and sending along greetings, as one would when they are celebrating a friend's nuptials. It was a very happy ending for C.B.!

I was reminded of this story today when I heard of plans for a doggie shower in honour of my friend becoming a "mother" to her new "child". Having never wed, she has not had the opportunity to participate in the pre-marital bliss and revelry of the bride- or mother-to-be. The canine celebration will have all the trimmings -- themed invites, catering, gifts, party games, decor -- and guests will shower her with love, admiration and giddiness, just as they would the blushing bride.

While there are still opportunities for bridal celebrations in her future, this single gets to be the guest of honour at her party.  Pics and stories to come!!!  

Summer Lovin', Had me a Blast...

It is that time of year when the party dresses and strappy sandals make way for long sweaters and down-filled boots. The leaves are changing, the days are crisp and the warm summer breezes that brought evenings of wonder are a thing of the past. Summer was an idyllic fling. Patio evenings, trail adventures, ice cream outings, girls' night soirees -- a bacchanalian courtship that I never wanted to end.  

Summer of '09 in Vancouver was one of the very best. Barely any rain and record breaking temperatures had all of us forgetting the months of endless drear that loomed ahead. It was an opportunity for five single girls to live la dolce vita in a haze filled aura of martinis, music and nightlife. 

But like all summer flings, it had to come to an end. Somehow we all instinctively knew that it was over, even without discussing.  Like the kids returning to school, fall is the time to buckle down, dive into work and again pursue our professional and personal goals. It is the time to swear off the gelato and wine and embrace the health conscious vegetable soups and casseroles. 

While saying goodbye to a loved one has its moments of sorrow, I am excited about the challenges that lie ahead. While the nights on the town were a welcomed treat, I can now focus on my other career, educational and physical goals. After all, I have a lot of work to do before next year's summer flame burns again. 

Three Women and a Baby

It was a great night. Our friend -- a new mother -- was celebrating her birthday and Noa and I were accompanying her for dinner.  Our plan was to go to a trendy comfort food bistro on Main Street, but upon arrival, it was not kid friendly. The room was too warm, the tables too close and the atmosphere too stuffy. The baby fussed a bit and all of the patrons were turning, evidently inconvenienced by a child in the room.  While I am single, I still have a heart and I still love babies. A little fussing should not be a big issue.

We decided, however, to head back to 4th Ave and found ourselves at Italian Kitchen Trattoria. They were so accommodating. They gave us a great table outside under the heat lamp so that baby wouldn't get too hot (he has issues with heat) and the servers and management kept coming over and ogling over him.  He even did a little wiggle dance in time with the jazz music. 

It was a great night filled with good conversation, amazing food and hospitable ambiance. A few observations:

1. I take my freedom of only looking after myself for granted. The new mother was talking about what she has to go through just to get ready and get out of the house with a baby. It made my issue about figuring out whether to wear the flat boot or the heeled boot pretty trivial.

2. Babies learning are a magical delight. At three months of age, the baby is learning that he has control of making sounds and conversing. He has complete conversations with his mother and is so serious in his discourse that you know that he believes he is actually sharing in a deep, philosophical discussion. 

3. Moms have a an unspoken (and spoken) bond with one another.  We passed another woman on the street carrying a baby and the two moms said hello. I can't remember an instance of that ever happening to me on my own.

4. Expectant fathers can be even more excited than mothers. The manager of the restaurant is expecting his first child in seven weeks. He shared with us the fact that they had been trying for nearly two years and you could tell just what a relief and joy this father had for his unborn child. 

I look forward to having children when the time is right.  It was very obvious this evening that one's life changes forever, so it is essential to be certain before making that leap.  Once upon a time I had wanted to have two kids and a white picket fence before the age of thirty, but over time, I have come to realize that this is not the path I am supposed to take.  Whether it is my actions or a higher being that makes this decision, I don't know. I am warming up to the idea of being an older mom, secure in my self, finances and relationship.  It may not be the path I had once imagined, but it is my path and one that I am going to fully embrace.