PUT ON A HAPPY FACEbook

Facebook and various social networking sites have taken the world by storm. We have the voyeuristic opportunity to see what our friends are doing all the time, anytime. We have witnessed party pics, engagements, quiz results, wedding/baby photos, status updates, career changes and lives unfold. In most cases, we are privy to the absolute best version of our friends. They use it as a portal to showcase the wonders of their lives and share what they feel will present themselves in the best light.

For women who are single, however, Facebook can reinforce the already negative feelings they have for their situation. Even women with excellent self-esteem and who enjoy their singledom may still feel the societal pressures of constant relationship, wedding and baby status updates. The summer months are particularly challenging as the warm weather breeds engagements, summer bar-be-ques with the kids and wedding celebrations. While in control of one's own actions, these pictures can be an irresistible temptation and despite knowing that they will feed our insecurities, we find ourselves clicking the mouse button.

For the single woman who decides that she won't let the constant wedding and baby pictures affect her, she is still powerless to the unending status updates. The engagement announcements can be fairly innocuous -- for the most part, she knows that it is going to happen and can still share in her friends' happiness. While feeling a pang of angst, she posts a congratulatory comment and scrolls down to the next status. Here she finds one of the countless new mom posts. "Bobby is teething and couldn't sleep at all last night" or "Kim is so excited that Bobby rolled over and giggled today". While these women are excited about the new addition to their family, they should be sensitive to the fact that sharing play-by-play updates twenty times a day is overkill. Despite annoyance on the part of the single gal, she starts to wonder if this is truly what she should be doing. Is there something wrong with her that she doesn't have a husband and child by the age of thirty? Did she fail somewhere along the way that she isn't partaking in talk of diapers, jolly jumpers and teething rings?

Absolutely not. What the new moms are not sharing are the constant baby feedings at three in the morning or the inability to get their child to stop crying for their afternoon nap. They are also not sharing the concerns they have for their careers and the looming glass ceiling they perceive now that they have children. They are not sharing the fact that they are fretting not being able to shed their baby weight and are not sharing the envy they have for their single friends who can still enjoy evenings out or adventures abroad without worrying about their young ones at home.

I guess it comes down to always wanting what we don't have. The single gal sees the rose-coloured version of motherhood and the new mom longs for her lost freedom. If we all can approach Facebook knowing that it is one dimensional and that we will only ever see our friends putting their best foot forward, we can all feel a little more comfortable in our own skin. The sooner we come to terms with that, the happier we will be.

What is love?

It's taken me almost three decades to realize ... "love" is just a word, a poor attempt to define the only thing real, not just in the world, but in everything, everywhere, always. the way love's portrayed, in books, TV, movies, doesn't come close to the thing itself.

Love is in every one of us, always - it's all we are, ever were and ever will be. No language can define it.

We have this misperception that we need someone else to be in or have love. But it's already in you, and has been all along. It's yours to have if you choose, right now. It's who you are, what you were born to be and do. When you love yourself, when you finally become love, that's the moment love manifests in your life in a more tangible form, so you can actually see, touch, taste, smell, feel it.

But remember, it has always been there, in you, from the start. All we need to do, each and every one of us, is accept and become our ultimate destiny - love. When that day finally comes the world we live in, and maybe even something beyond that, will be like that place we like to call heaven.

I am girl, hear me blog

Lately I've been very reflective of the appropriate sequences in life. You know, grow up, go to school, fall in love, get married and then have kids. In the past month, I've been asked several times about my "relationship status." I simply say that I'm in no rush, because I've been inspired by some pretty amazing women ...

... women who have happened to live their lives a little out of sequence. Let's just say they were blessed with little bundles sooner than anticipated. Suddenly their responsibilities and daily activities changed completely. Priorities shuffled from work and school to bills and bedtime stories. But the biggest adjustment was how their lives were put on hold until their children grew up enough to feed and bathe themselves, at least. What astounds me is how these women grow up faster than anyone should have to.

Us girls have a tendency to "panic." Panic about being in a relationship. This isn't a man-hating post or even a pro-abstinence promotion. This is just me sharing feelings about how girls sometimes take themselves for granted.

Girls, think of your strengths. How many positive things in your life have your strengths brought you? Whether it's sports, writing, acting, whatever ... at some point your unique gifts have gained personal rewards in the form of a medal, good grades or even a simple pat on the back. In our youth developing aptitude can be more rewarding than being in a relationship.

Sometimes girls forget they have strengths and look for recognition from the opposite sex in ways the media portrays as "the only way." I'm talking about dumbing it down, wearing revealing clothing, the works. Personally, I think when girls act this way they cheat themselves out of great opportunites. Like opportunities for personal growth.

A boyfriend is a wonderful and natural thing. It's also a very special and important part of life. But it's nothing to stress over. Ladies, we are busy people, we don't have time to fix the world and flatter guys at the same time. Let them flatter you. Wise and self-confident girls stand out. If they are worth your time, they will be smart to pick out such traits. Think of it this way, you've only got so much time before you've got that magical band of gold on your finger. It won't hurt to spend a few years discovering as much about yourself as you can, before you have to share the next 65 years with that very special someone - and maybe several special little ones, too.

The (not so) hard and fast rules of dating

They're ubiquitous in the dating scene: I only date guys with blue eyes; no bad tattoos; no sex for the first 90 days; I only date men with beards. Rules may help daters weed out the duds, but experts say they can also shutter windows of opportunity. More...

I read this article in the Globe & Mail about a month or more ago and it struck a chord with me. In living by some dating rules, are women really missing out on something special? In the age of online dating, where women receive numerous emails daily, how does one sort through the clutter to find the prize? Do they not have to construct some boundaries or pre-requisites just to manage their time? Items such as the desire to have children and/or career aspirations are easy categories to filter. It allows women the opportunity to focus their time on men who are more likely to be a possible match. Even if that is overgeneralizing, how can a woman possibly sort through all of her messages if she does not have some sort of classification system? So, I'm putting the question out there...should women have steadfast rules of dating? What should they include (or not include)?

Poker face or big blind?

I went on my first date at 16 years of age. That means I have had 14 years -- nearly half my life -- to perfect the art of dating. I would like to think that I have matured during this time. I know how to play the game and while I would rather not, I know it is a must for the beginning of a courtship. Guys know this too and unfortunately most of them have spent their dating life figuring out how to read their cards and call our bluff.

The movie -- "He's Just Not That Into You" -- actually spoke to me. I feel it was one of those rare instances that a true chick flick provided me with a higher purpose and understanding. It is absolutely true -- he is just not that into you if he doesn't call you within a couple of days; he is just not that into you if he isn't willing to forego a night with his buddies to see you and he is just not that into you if you are doing the chasing and no one is chasing you.

There are many women who are looking for a fling. They crave the chase, they love the instant gratification and yearn for the physical contact. In most cases, any semblance of there being a legitimate relationship is non-existent and their interactions are entirely based around sex. I am not condemning the act. In fact, I think at this age we are entitled and justified to do whatever we want in that department without anyone judging us.

What happens though when what was supposed to be a fling sparks some deeper feelings -- at least on the part of the female player? She grows fond of him and hopes that they have enough of a connection for further feelings to grow. She texts to say that she is thinking of him, she drops plans with her friends to be there and all the while, she is losing sight of all the wonderful qualities she has to offer.

The problem, however, is that she is the chaser and not the chasee. She is the one texting him, she was the one suggesting they get together and unfortunately, by advancing their sexual relationship so early on, she was the one who destroyed any possibility for there to be a long term relationship. It is plain and simple. He is just not that into her.

So what makes us women want to invest in a relationship if the guy has not reciprocated any of the feelings or behaviour? Is it the need to have a warm body next to us? Is it fear that there isn't another fish in the sea? Or is it trying to validate our own insecurities by convincing ourselves that he must feel the same way -- he just doesn't show his true feelings?

To women everywhere I just want to say *WAKE UP*! We have played the game, we know the players, we have mastered the rules and we are cognisant of the risks. We have even upped the ante in our thirties as we can't fein the ignorant bliss of a dating virgin. A hook up will not turn into true love, and, no matter how hard we try, we cannot make a guy like us. That being said, we are worth so much more than that. If you are looking for a fling, then go out and get one. It isn't too hard. But if you are looking for romance, for the one who will give you shivers twenty years from now and the one who will call you the very next day, we have to change our outlook and approach. The stakes are high but the jackpot is priceless. It's your choice.

So where will we be getting off together?

As a single girl in society, I always have my eyes out for hot boys. One interesting place that I have found is in the elevators. I recently moved into this very cool downtown apartment and being on the 17th floor, I get to see lots of people come in and out of the elevator. The building that I live in is full of young, good looking people but the boys especially are very cute, so much so that it has prompted me to work on my elevator conversation.

Now elevator conversation is not an easy thing to master, first of all there is not a lot of time to make an impression. Especially since all the really hot boys seem to live on the 5th floor. It can be rather stressful trying to think of something to say in those few seconds to the ground floor.

Secondly, there is not much topic for conversation. It’s not like you are in a coffee shop or standing in line at the grocery store where you can make some offhanded comment about how long the line is or why that man in front is quacking like a duck. The elevator can be quite restrictive and I always find myself standing awkwardly in the corner desperately trying to come up with something witty to say.

Last time I was in there, I just decided to strike up a conversation with a random person. He wasn’t a hot boy so there was no pressure there but he seemed nice enough that I could get some elevator convo practice in. I generally try to avoid chatting about the weather or sports as those are particularly mundane (and cheesy) topics to me. I think I might have asked this guy where he got his pizza from. I figured that with enough practice, when the time came that a hot boy walked into the elevator, I would be so well versed and have a repertoire of conversation to choose from that he couldn’t help but be smitten by me.

Once nice thing about this building is that there are lots of people with dogs which are always an easy topic of conversation. It really is a great icebreaker when you are able to ask the person to please have their dog stop licking my crotch.

I have noticed though that if you carry random items in your hands, you don’t need to say anything at all and people will in fact strike up a conversation with you. The other day I was carrying McDonalds and toilet paper and someone commented on my choice of provisions, to which I replied “Yup Whistler girl’s weekend. McDonalds to get rid of the hangover and toilet paper to get rid of the McDonalds” (Note: Will not be making such inappropriate comments to hot boys).

I think the next time there is a hot boy in the elevator, I will come walking in holding a watermelon and a jar of pickles. And if all else fails I could always “accidentally” push the elevator stop button right?

– Sonya

Paper or plastic?

Today I've decided to stop thinking of myself as society expects me to think of myself - an item on a shelf in a store waiting for some guy to pick me, pick me!

Enough already. I must start thinking and acting like the shopper, not the shopee.

Who says I can't have MY pick? Maybe it's that abstract, all-encompassing and oh-so-blame-able entity I like to call "society," maybe it's all in my mind, but whoever it is, SHUT UP ALREADY!

I've got a platinum card and I'm ready to sample.

Other thoughts for the day? I must start choosing my men like I choose my friends. I know I don't expect my friends to meet the same standards I set for my partners. All they need to be is, well, a good friend.

Sex and the pity

I love Sex and the City. LOVE. I was/am as addicted as every other female in ... yes, i'll say it: the world. But recently, as I awaited the release of the movie version of my fave show, I started feeling slightly disappointed in Carrie, Miranda, Charlotte and Samantha ... were they really the strong, empowered, independent women we believed them to be? Would society as we know it (and as they knew it, in modern-day Manhatten) ever have allowed them to be?

Unfortunately, I don't believe the ladies lived up to our expectations. Actually, given the world and time we live in, I don't think they could have. When all was said and done, these fabulous, successful, seemingly independent women needed men to save them.

Carrie ran to Paris with a man when he asked her to, leaving her entire world, her whole life, everything she knew and was passionate about, behind. I'm all for having new adventures, but this was Petrovsky's fantasy, not Carrie's. Sure enough, almost as soon as she arrived in the city of love, babbling helplessly in french, her Russian lover let her down.

So who would save Carrie now? I wish she'd saved herself (like many of us real women have to). Why can't any Hollywood movie or TV show end with a woman walking ALONE into the sunset? Why can't women ever be depicted as perfectly content on their own, in their own skin, doing what they want to do, what they love to do, with no men in sight?

Carrie didn't - couldn't - save herself. I suppose, in a way, her girlfriends kinda sorta did. They did hold a meeting with Big, at which point Miranda uttered those now-famous words: "Go get our girl."

So Big flew to Paris and saved our heroine. Which, I suppose, makes him the hero. We've all seen and heard (and imagined) this ending before: the prince in shining armor rides in on his big, white airplane to save the damsel in distress. What a let down.

Society won't allow a woman to be truly strong, empowered and independent. Not even Carrie Bradshaw. As someone once explained to me: it just doesn't sell.

The pair-rent trap

There's one thing every single girl in her 30s needs: a bedroom. She did the roommate thing in college (and realized it's best to separate friendship from accommodation). She's likely even lived with an ex-boyfriend or two. It's time to get a room of her own.

And so the hunt begins. She searches through the classifieds, scours Craigslist, scrutinizes viewit.ca and comes up with one realization: she's a single gal living in a couples' world - at least when it comes to the rental market.

Big cities like Vancouver and Toronto offer plenty of rental opportunities. There's lots of choice scattered across diverse locations. The problem isn't a shortage of space, but the cost to rent one of these units when you're the only one footing the bill.

Although price varies from neighbourhood to neighbourhood, the fact remains that a couple splitting the cost of a one-bedroom apartment can afford something nicer, roomier and, in many cases, safer than a single living on her own. A pair can easily afford to lease a one-bedroom unit for $1,000 a month - that's a measly $500 per person, hardly enough to put a dent in the old paycheque. Not so for the solo gal looking for a place to live - $1,000 is a significant chunk out of her salary.

With the cost of splitting a place so cheap, a couple can upgrade to a much nicer (and pricier) space; at $750 each, even an apartment that rents for $1,500 a month is far more affordable for a pair of people than the girl in the $1,000 place.

So she should get a roommate, you say? Not in a one-bedroom, unless both girls are pre-disposed to sharing a room and sleeping in matching twin or bunk beds. A two-bedroom rental means an extra room - and extra cost. The two girls would still end up paying more than the couple in their single-bedroom suite.

Besides, what self-respected, privacy-loving, corporate-working 30-year-old adult woman (or man, for that matter) really wants to share with flatmates? It's reminiscent of college days gone by, and not a reality many women we know want to relive.

No, the single girl wants to live alone - and should be able to afford to do so. We're not sure what the solution here is - or if there even is one - but we're putting it out there with the hope we can put our heads together and generate some ideas.

The following is a public service announcement ...

If Martians (male ones, of course) were to land on Earth, they might make the following assumption: women drew the short straw in life, enduring monthly periods, PMS, childbirth and menopause, all the while producing more hormones than they, or anyone within arm’s-length, can handle.

And, if the aliens were to focus in on a single woman in her 30s, they may come to the conclusion that the agony of being female doesn’t end there. At this point in life she’s in a race against time to meet a man, fall in love, get him to fall in love her, move in together, get married, have a baby (the latter two in no particular order as long as they happen) and live happily ever after.

After reveling footloose and fancy-free in her 20s, from the day she hits 30 her carefree attitude screeches to an abrupt halt. Mother Nature is suddenly occupying all her thoughts and her biological clock is ticking faster and faster as each day, month and year passes with no sign of “the one” entering her life anytime soon.

Of course, for the 30-something single men of Earth this isn’t a concern – nature gave them the choice to put fatherhood on hold, worry-free, until their 40s, 50s or even 60s. They’re busily dating and consciously staying single until later in life because they know when the time is right (for them), reproduction won't be a problem.

None of the above observations were made by extraterrestrial beings. It’s a sad fact that our own society portrays 30-something single men and women completely differently. The women are labeled “expired goods” while the men are given accolades and told to enjoy their freedom while they can. Although TV programs like Sex in the City helped to change people’s opinions of single women over 30 in some regard, the fact remains that if we want children the natural way (i.e., no sperm donor), we need a man.

With no sight of Mr. Right on the horizon, she feels pressure from herself and those around her (even if they don’t say so out loud) to get on it and meet the father-to-be of her unborn offspring. Her parents either nag her or shoot worried looks across her head at each other, anxious she’ll be left alone after they’re gone. Her friends offer to fix her up with just about any man who’s single – height, weight and chemistry not being factors in the equation whatsoever. And then there are the snickering colleagues, who rib her and suggest she “switch teams.” (Yes, this has actually happened to some of us.)

What’s a 30-something single girl to do? According to well-meaning friends and family, she may want to lower her standards some, accept that not everyone is perfect and compromise and her list of must-haves for a man. She should put things in perspective and ask herself, does it really matter if his shoes suck? Does that eminent bald spot mean he won’t be a great dad? Is it really a big deal he still lives with his parents?

She also needs to – they say – put herself in check. No talking about babies and marriage in the early stages of dating. Men already know what women in their 30s want – if he smells the slightest whiff of desperation beyond that societal stigma, he’ll take off running for the hills.

And what about looking for love in the wrong places? She’ll never find a man at the bar, her friends say while nursing their babies and staring adoringly at husbands they met at a Sigma Chi fraternity party back in college. Why not meet someone at the office, through friends or go online? (Like she hasn’t thought of any of those options before.)

How come when a woman turns 30, she’s supposed to throw all her standards, all her dreams and all the things she holds important out the window? In your 20s you’re free to find him however you like, hold him to the highest standards and tell him it’s your way or the highway. As soon as you hit the big three-oh, though, you must change yourself to snag a man, any man.

It’s the million-dollar question people, and we want to hear what you have to say about it.

Singled out: Two minus one equals not invited

It happens so suddenly. One moment you’re part of the club and the next you find yourself excommunicated from your girlfriends, your confidantes. Did you get in a fight? Maybe you told a lie? Perhaps you engaged in a little backstabbing cattiness? No, it is all much worse than that. You broke up with your boyfriend.

Once upon a time your friendship made sense. Dinner parties would be evenly matched, your boyfriends would have XBox competitions, Entertainment Books would be purchased for 2-4-1 outings and the planets would align in coupled bliss. You shared dreams of weddings, births and your children growing up to become boyfriend-girlfriend. You would be seated together at weddings and watch the single ladies fight over the bouquet. Life was perfect, as was your friendship.

But then one day you announce your break-up. On the road to this end, your friends stood behind you. They listened and offered a shoulder as you cried yourself to sleep. They even came over with a bottle of wine to help you drown your sorrows. But as the dust clears, so do they.

The reality is, you are no longer part of the couple’s club, so what could you possibly have in common? After all, what is there to talk about if you can’t talk about your significant others?

Maybe this all sounds a little exaggerated, but when you are dealing with a breakup, losing your friends at the same time makes it so much worse. The questions you have about your own self worth become amplified and you feel very alone. After all, no one wants to be around you.

So, can singles and couples co-exist? Here are a few tips for couples to help their single friends:

1. Do invite singles to dinner parties. Even if there isn’t an equal guy-gal ratio, chances are your single friend can hold their own.


2. Don’t assume that two single people over thirty would naturally be a perfect match. There is more to relationships than the fact that both individuals are alone.


3. Do indulge your single friend by letting her have a “plus one” at weddings. There is nothing worse than having everyone refer to you and your other single friends as the “Sex and the City” gals.


4. Don’t tell her that there are “plenty of fish in the sea” or that they have “lots of time”. It is the last thing a single wants to hear from someone with a husband and two kids.


5. Do remember that it might have been a while since your single friend has had some lovin’. Don’t complain about your husband going away for the weekend.


6. Finally, and in all seriousness, do remember that your single friend is going through a lot of changes and may need you now more than ever. Please stand by her and try to put yourself in her shoes. There may come a time in the future that you will be in the same situation.

Single in a couples' world

It can be as innocent as a two-for-one bowling coupon or as overt as the ending of the latest Hollywood blockbuster, but everywhere you look, society is focused on couples. Even though the social stigmas and pressures may not be what they once were, it can still be hard to be single in a world built for pairs.

Read the rest: Canada.com.

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Thirty and *gasp* single

It started about five years ago. Everyone – and we mean EVERYONE – got married. Being in a university sorority meant we knew a lot of women – some as close friends, some as acquaintances and some simply as recurring names in the endless stream of gossip that permeated our lives as part of the so-called “Greek system.” Back then we were like all the other girls – crushing, flirting, dating, crying, begging, breaking up, getting back together, falling in and out of love and, from time to time, daring to dream of our future weddings. What would the dress look like? How many bridesmaids would we have? And – most importantly – who would the groom be? We were all travelling the same path at that time; all puzzling over the complexities and emotions of “being in a relationship;” all wondering (and worrying) – when would that wonderful, white day, with its “I dos” and promises of everlasting love and happiness, come?

And then we came to that big, fat intersection. You know the one. You can either take a right, hit cruise-control and coast down scenic Wedding Way, where the sun shines and the birds sing and all the floral arrangements match the place settings or hang a left, shift into four-wheel drive and do your darndest to navigate Lonely Lane, a rocky, winding, unpredictable route fraught with potholes, landmines and seats at the singles’ table (it’s the one at the back of the room, in case you didn't know).

Everyone approaching that fork in the road wanted to make a right. We thought it was expected of us. After all, life happens in a logical order: school, job, marriage. We'd graduated from university and were climbing the ladders of our individual careers. The only thing left to do was tie the knot and get on with life as prescribed by ... well, by the world and society and religion and Hollywood and all we'd ever seen and heard and known. Problem was, the cop directing traffic must have heard only static in his earpiece that day, because he didn’t signal all of us in the same direction.

So here we are, 30, single and on a completely different path than most of the women we know. It’s changed our lives, just as marriage has changed the lives of our friends. We all used to belong to the same group – now, at times, it seems like it’s “us” and “them.” Some days it’s hard – to be alone, to wonder what’s in store for us, to deal with yet another guy who says he isn't looking for “anything serious” at the moment, to wait for the lasting relationship that may never come. But we recognize the good parts, too. The thrill of meeting someone new, a first kiss, plenty of personal space, the endless possibilities, the independence, the chance to do what we want when we want without having to consider anyone else's plans or feelings. It’s coping with the daily highs and lows, happiness and sadness, stress and relief, love and heartache of being single when society says we shouldn’t be that motivated us to start this blog. We hope it makes us stronger and helps ease the lingering bit of regret we feel from time to time for having missed that seemingly vital right turn.

For those like us, who recognize singledom's as good as it is bad, as easy as it is hard, as exciting as it is dull, as right as it is wrong – this blog’s for you. We hope you enjoy it as much as we are thrilled to be writing it, and we welcome any and all interaction.

Together we can’t be alone, so please drop us a line and share your story, thoughts, opinions and advice on being single in society.

Kristie & Noa