Wednesday, August 5, 2009

Singled out: Two minus one equals not invited


It happens so suddenly. One moment you’re part of the club and the next you find yourself excommunicated from your girlfriends, your confidantes. Did you get in a fight? Maybe you told a lie? Perhaps you engaged in a little backstabbing cattiness? No, it is all much worse than that. You broke up with your boyfriend.

Once upon a time your friendship made sense. Dinner parties would be evenly matched, your boyfriends would have XBox competitions, Entertainment Books would be purchased for 2-4-1 outings and the planets would align in coupled bliss. You shared dreams of weddings, births and your children growing up to become boyfriend-girlfriend. You would be seated together at weddings and watch the single ladies fight over the bouquet. Life was perfect, as was your friendship.

But then one day you announce your break-up. On the road to this end, your friends stood behind you. They listened and offered a shoulder as you cried yourself to sleep. They even came over with a bottle of wine to help you drown your sorrows. But as the dust clears, so do they.

The reality is, you are no longer part of the couple’s club, so what could you possibly have in common? After all, what is there to talk about if you can’t talk about your significant others?

Maybe this all sounds a little exaggerated, but when you are dealing with a breakup, losing your friends at the same time makes it so much worse. The questions you have about your own self worth become amplified and you feel very alone. After all, no one wants to be around you.

So, can singles and couples co-exist? Here are a few tips for couples to help their single friends:

  1. Do invite singles to dinner parties. Even if there isn’t an equal guy-gal ratio, chances are your single friend can hold their own.

  2. Don’t assume that two single people over thirty would naturally be a perfect match. There is more to relationships than the fact that both individuals are alone.

  3. Do indulge your single friend by letting her have a “plus one” at weddings. There is nothing worse than having everyone refer to you and your other single friends as the “Sex and the City” gals.

  4. Don’t tell her that there are “plenty of fish in the sea” or that they have “lots of time”. It is the last thing a single wants to hear from someone with a husband and two kids.

  5. Do remember that it might have been a while since your single friend has had some lovin’. Don’t complain about your husband going away for the weekend.

  6. Finally, and in all seriousness, do remember that your single friend is going through a lot of changes and may need you now more than ever. Please stand by her and try to put yourself in her shoes. There may come a time in the future that you will be in the same situation.
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Thirty and *gasp* single

It started about five years ago. Everyone – and we mean EVERYONE – got married. Being in a university sorority meant we knew a lot of women – some as close friends, some as acquaintances and some simply as recurring names in the endless stream of gossip that permeated our lives as part of the so-called “Greek system.” Back then we were like all the other girls – crushing, flirting, dating, crying, begging, breaking up, getting back together, falling in and out of love and, from time to time, daring to dream of our future weddings. What would the dress look like? How many bridesmaids would we have? And – most importantly – who would the groom be? We were all travelling the same path at that time; all puzzling over the complexities and emotions of “being in a relationship;” all wondering (and worrying) – when would that wonderful, white day, with its “I dos” and promises of everlasting love and happiness, come?

And then we came to that big, fat intersection. You know the one. You can either take a right, hit cruise-control and coast down scenic Wedding Way, where the sun shines and the birds sing and all the floral arrangements match the place settings or hang a left, shift into four-wheel drive and do your darndest to navigate Lonely Lane, a rocky, winding, unpredictable route fraught with potholes, landmines and seats at the singles’ table (it’s the one at the back of the room, in case you didn't know). Read more.