Happily ever after – just not on Facebook, okay?

You don't have to spend too much time on Livia Dittmer's Facebook page to know that she's happily married.

In her profile picture, the pretty brunette is smiling broadly as her husband, Mark, plants a kiss on her dimpled cheek. Her relationship status lists her as “Married to Mark Dittmer.” Her most recent Facebook album is a catalogue of her wedding photos.

When Ms. Dittmer, a 22-year-old Kitchener, Ont., resident, posted a status update two weeks ago that she missed her husband (who is studying in San Francisco for a semester), she said she received sympathetic messages from her friends.

But not everyone in the Facebook sphere takes kindly to these sorts of digital displays of affection.

Many singles are none too thrilled by the public declarations of love, lust or infatuation from married or engaged friends that appear on their news feeds.

The most extreme proclamations have been compiled at STFU, Marrieds – a wildly popular user-submitted blog that posts a few screen grabs each day of gushy status updates, you're-prettier/no- you're -prettier wall-to-walls, and exchanges that range from baby talk to dirty talk between couples.

While the singles accuse the marrieds of being oversharing braggarts, the marrieds affirm that they can't contain their happiness and suggest their detractors are sulky singles.

When Ms. Dittmer got hitched at 21, some friends suggested she rushed into marriage too quickly. So she partly talks about how much she loves Mr. Dittmer in her Facebook status updates to reassure others.

“I kind of feel a responsibility to people to let them know that everything's still wonderful between us,” she says.

It's exactly this kind of gushing that gets under Andrea Albeanu's skin. When the 23-year-old Orange County, Calif., resident noticed many of her married friends trilling on about how great their husbands were over Facebook, she created STFU, Marrieds.

She says the Internet has allowed couples who might not be so affectionate and lovey-dovey in person to unleash their passion online.

“It's because there's no one in front of them to scowl or give them a reaction,” she says.

Bella DePaulo, a Santa Barbara, Calif.,-based psychologist and author of Singled Out – a book that rebuts stereotypes about singles, said the romantic exchanges on the site are like public kissing or hand-holding, but highly amplified.

“To singles, what they're trying to say is, ‘Look at what I have that you don't.' It's smug.”

Since Erin McGuey, 23, got engaged to her boyfriend Chris Glazier in March, she has avoided talking about her upcoming nuptials on Facebook – for the most part. Last week, she slipped up and she updated her status: “in one year I will be Mrs. Glazier :)”

“I was really excited!” Ms. McGuey, a government communications adviser in Ottawa, says with a sheepish giggle. “That's my cop-out.”

The only other time she has wandered into the realm of schmoopy, she says, was earlier this summer, when Mr. Glazier was working up north for three weeks. The two traded comments of “you are my favourite” and “You're cute,” among others, on each other's walls.

But the really gushy stuff is saved for more private modes of communication, she says.

Less discreet are Kirk Anderson's newlywed friends Caleb and Lauren. Mr. Anderson, who lives in Washington, said the pair aren't very coupley in person, but on Facebook they are over the top in their “mutual narcissism.”

He submitted their wall-to-wall to STFU, Marrieds.

“You're my best friend, my lover, my confidant, my inspiration,” writes Lauren in one message. “You are stunning, and the absolutely perfect wife for me,” Caleb replies.

Mr. Anderson is single, but says even his married friends share his distaste for Caleb and Lauren's public exchanges.

“It causes people to recoil regardless of their relationship status,” said Mr. Anderson.

Ms. Albeanu says since launching STFU, Marrieds, she's faced accusations that she's a jealous single. “It's not because I'm bitter – it's irritating to anybody who has any sense of propriety,” she said.

Los Angeles-based relationship psychologist Yvonne Thomas isn't convinced.
“If they really don't want to be in a relationship, it wouldn't get to them,” Dr. Thomas says. “To find the site and then take the effort of cutting and pasting – come on!”

Ms. Dittmer says her friends have never given her a hard time – digitally, or in person – for saccharine Facebook posts – because they come from a genuine place. “It's because I miss him so much and love him so much I want to let the world know a little bit,” she said.

Rules of engagement
Worried you're a smug married online? Avoid these giveaways:

• A self-taken profile picture of the two of you mid-smooch.
• Status updates that refer to your “husband/wife,” “hubby/wifey,” “fiancé/fiancée” or “lover” accompanied by the words “best,” “perfect” or “adore.”
• Honeymoon or vacation photo albums where landmarks or tourist traps are specks in the background, with your grinning faces in the foreground.
• Status updates that refer to being depressed or lonely when your partner is gone – even just for the weekend.
• Wall-to-wall compliment-fests.

Dakshana Bascaramurty, The Globe & Mail

A single act of bravery

There’s something I’ve been putting off doing … for about three years now. Ever since Facebook became a quasi-necessity I’ve chosen (quite consciously) to leave my Relationship Status blank. Conspicuously so. I’ve finally realized this decision has never been about my indifference to what 750 or so fellow facebook-ers think about my singledom; nor has it been about my feelings regarding personal privacy. These would have been noble reasons to keep my status N/A.

Sadly, it’s always only been about one thing: my pride.

Is it just me or are there other people who feel the same way about choosing to set their Relationship Status to “Single” – that for some reason (again, I love to blame it on society, but I will do so only in brackets this time, as an aside of sorts) letting people on FB know you’re minus- rather than plus-one is shameful? Am I reading too much into this, or are my feelings legit?

Since this is my blog post I guess I’ll assume my thoughts are founded. Somehow, without anyone having to say anything about it, proclaiming your single status on this particular social networking site (I don't know what it's like on others; I have a feeling the teens on MySpace display their status as single with more ease and acceptance) is considered to be a source of shame. On the other hand, getting the chance to let everyone (who cares or doesn’t) know you’ve just started a new relationship or – miracle of miracles! – tied the knot is like winning the Nobel Prize: a matter of pride, an accomplishment, an amazing achievement, something that must shared with the world.

Most singles on FB, I find, choose to leave their status blank. But attend a wedding and you can be sure the next day two more statuses will have instantly changed to “Married.” When you break up with someone changing your Relationship Status is rarely the first thing you do or think of doing; get a rock from your boyfriend and you can’t fire the computer up fast enough.

Last night I decided enough was enough. I should be proud of who I am, and that includes wanting to share EVERYTHING that makes me, me. So what if I’m on my own at this point in life? I should celebrate my freedom, my independence, my hard work, my resilience as much as anyone who’s been lucky enough to meet their soul mate. In MYBOOK, it’s as lofty an accomplishment as being proposed to. Maybe even more so. After all, I did it alone - and that's something to be proud of.

NB: The thing I found most surprising about making the switch was how many comments I received after I did the deed and cryptically (or so I thought) proclaimed “Noa is being FB brave” in my main status box. Suddenly other singles came crawling out of the woodwork – and they all knew exactly what I meant by this statement (coupled, I’m sure, with the fact everyone must have read "Noa is now single" in their News Feeds. Interestingly enough, none of my coupled or married FB contacts said anything at all.

An interesting blog post about a similar topic: Deconstructing Facebook.

PUT ON A HAPPY FACEbook

Facebook and various social networking sites have taken the world by storm. We have the voyeuristic opportunity to see what our friends are doing all the time, anytime. We have witnessed party pics, engagements, quiz results, wedding/baby photos, status updates, career changes and lives unfold. In most cases, we are privy to the absolute best version of our friends. They use it as a portal to showcase the wonders of their lives and share what they feel will present themselves in the best light.

For women who are single, however, Facebook can reinforce the already negative feelings they have for their situation. Even women with excellent self-esteem and who enjoy their singledom may still feel the societal pressures of constant relationship, wedding and baby status updates. The summer months are particularly challenging as the warm weather breeds engagements, summer bar-be-ques with the kids and wedding celebrations. While in control of one's own actions, these pictures can be an irresistible temptation and despite knowing that they will feed our insecurities, we find ourselves clicking the mouse button.

For the single woman who decides that she won't let the constant wedding and baby pictures affect her, she is still powerless to the unending status updates. The engagement announcements can be fairly innocuous -- for the most part, she knows that it is going to happen and can still share in her friends' happiness. While feeling a pang of angst, she posts a congratulatory comment and scrolls down to the next status. Here she finds one of the countless new mom posts. "Bobby is teething and couldn't sleep at all last night" or "Kim is so excited that Bobby rolled over and giggled today". While these women are excited about the new addition to their family, they should be sensitive to the fact that sharing play-by-play updates twenty times a day is overkill. Despite annoyance on the part of the single gal, she starts to wonder if this is truly what she should be doing. Is there something wrong with her that she doesn't have a husband and child by the age of thirty? Did she fail somewhere along the way that she isn't partaking in talk of diapers, jolly jumpers and teething rings?

Absolutely not. What the new moms are not sharing are the constant baby feedings at three in the morning or the inability to get their child to stop crying for their afternoon nap. They are also not sharing the concerns they have for their careers and the looming glass ceiling they perceive now that they have children. They are not sharing the fact that they are fretting not being able to shed their baby weight and are not sharing the envy they have for their single friends who can still enjoy evenings out or adventures abroad without worrying about their young ones at home.

I guess it comes down to always wanting what we don't have. The single gal sees the rose-coloured version of motherhood and the new mom longs for her lost freedom. If we all can approach Facebook knowing that it is one dimensional and that we will only ever see our friends putting their best foot forward, we can all feel a little more comfortable in our own skin. The sooner we come to terms with that, the happier we will be.