1,003 great things about being single

No, I am not going to subject you to 1,003 great things, but I thought I would discuss three that made for a fabulous September Saturday. The title of the post, however, comes from a book that I saw entitled "1,003 Great Things About Being a Mom." I thought it was rather fitting that I stumbled across this book; as co-writer of SiS it made for a great topic to blog about.

There was no accompanying book about being single. Maybe that will be a future project for us, but it was once again an example of what we have been talking about. The beauty of my find was that I was headed to the cashier with a gorgeous pair of chocolate suede Michael Kors boots. I would therefore like to proclaim this activity the No. 1 thing about being single. The average mother embodied in the book would likely not have the same frivolous purchase in her hands. Selfish or justified, it is a perk of being single!

The second perk happened later in the afternoon. After a wonderful day of shopping in the sunshine, I grabbed my Italian language text book (yes, I am learning Italian), purchased a gelato and headed to the park to practice. It was such a great way to spend the early evening as the sun was setting. The likelihood of this experience as a mother with young children is very slim - both in terms of having the time for oneself and the time to learn a new language. As a single, I enjoyed every minute.

The final perk occurred as we celebrated our friend's 29th birthday. Aside from the fact that we were able to get together, have a couple of drinks at the apartment and then head out on the town, we were able to do so with no strings attached and no one to answer to. Later that evening, I found myself talking to another girl - but a mere 21 years of age - who asked me how we all knew each other. I responded that we were in the same sorority together and she was astonished that we were all friends so many years later. She said she could only hope to have such wonderful friendships in her life.

I am happy being single right now. One day I hope to have children and a husband and all of the wonders that motherhood brings but right now I don't have to feel bad about my single status. That's what this is all about. It isn't about creating divisions between the singles and the marrieds, but reaching out to other singles to say that there isn't anything wrong with you for being single. Soak up every minute of its glory because one day your life might be very different.

PUT ON A HAPPY FACEbook

Facebook and various social networking sites have taken the world by storm. We have the voyeuristic opportunity to see what our friends are doing all the time, anytime. We have witnessed party pics, engagements, quiz results, wedding/baby photos, status updates, career changes and lives unfold. In most cases, we are privy to the absolute best version of our friends. They use it as a portal to showcase the wonders of their lives and share what they feel will present themselves in the best light.

For women who are single, however, Facebook can reinforce the already negative feelings they have for their situation. Even women with excellent self-esteem and who enjoy their singledom may still feel the societal pressures of constant relationship, wedding and baby status updates. The summer months are particularly challenging as the warm weather breeds engagements, summer bar-be-ques with the kids and wedding celebrations. While in control of one's own actions, these pictures can be an irresistible temptation and despite knowing that they will feed our insecurities, we find ourselves clicking the mouse button.

For the single woman who decides that she won't let the constant wedding and baby pictures affect her, she is still powerless to the unending status updates. The engagement announcements can be fairly innocuous -- for the most part, she knows that it is going to happen and can still share in her friends' happiness. While feeling a pang of angst, she posts a congratulatory comment and scrolls down to the next status. Here she finds one of the countless new mom posts. "Bobby is teething and couldn't sleep at all last night" or "Kim is so excited that Bobby rolled over and giggled today". While these women are excited about the new addition to their family, they should be sensitive to the fact that sharing play-by-play updates twenty times a day is overkill. Despite annoyance on the part of the single gal, she starts to wonder if this is truly what she should be doing. Is there something wrong with her that she doesn't have a husband and child by the age of thirty? Did she fail somewhere along the way that she isn't partaking in talk of diapers, jolly jumpers and teething rings?

Absolutely not. What the new moms are not sharing are the constant baby feedings at three in the morning or the inability to get their child to stop crying for their afternoon nap. They are also not sharing the concerns they have for their careers and the looming glass ceiling they perceive now that they have children. They are not sharing the fact that they are fretting not being able to shed their baby weight and are not sharing the envy they have for their single friends who can still enjoy evenings out or adventures abroad without worrying about their young ones at home.

I guess it comes down to always wanting what we don't have. The single gal sees the rose-coloured version of motherhood and the new mom longs for her lost freedom. If we all can approach Facebook knowing that it is one dimensional and that we will only ever see our friends putting their best foot forward, we can all feel a little more comfortable in our own skin. The sooner we come to terms with that, the happier we will be.

Paper or plastic?

Today I've decided to stop thinking of myself as society expects me to think of myself - an item on a shelf in a store waiting for some guy to pick me, pick me!

Enough already. I must start thinking and acting like the shopper, not the shopee.

Who says I can't have MY pick? Maybe it's that abstract, all-encompassing and oh-so-blame-able entity I like to call "society," maybe it's all in my mind, but whoever it is, SHUT UP ALREADY!

I've got a platinum card and I'm ready to sample.

Other thoughts for the day? I must start choosing my men like I choose my friends. I know I don't expect my friends to meet the same standards I set for my partners. All they need to be is, well, a good friend.

The following is a public service announcement ...

If Martians (male ones, of course) were to land on Earth, they might make the following assumption: women drew the short straw in life, enduring monthly periods, PMS, childbirth and menopause, all the while producing more hormones than they, or anyone within arm’s-length, can handle.

And, if the aliens were to focus in on a single woman in her 30s, they may come to the conclusion that the agony of being female doesn’t end there. At this point in life she’s in a race against time to meet a man, fall in love, get him to fall in love her, move in together, get married, have a baby (the latter two in no particular order as long as they happen) and live happily ever after.

After reveling footloose and fancy-free in her 20s, from the day she hits 30 her carefree attitude screeches to an abrupt halt. Mother Nature is suddenly occupying all her thoughts and her biological clock is ticking faster and faster as each day, month and year passes with no sign of “the one” entering her life anytime soon.

Of course, for the 30-something single men of Earth this isn’t a concern – nature gave them the choice to put fatherhood on hold, worry-free, until their 40s, 50s or even 60s. They’re busily dating and consciously staying single until later in life because they know when the time is right (for them), reproduction won't be a problem.

None of the above observations were made by extraterrestrial beings. It’s a sad fact that our own society portrays 30-something single men and women completely differently. The women are labeled “expired goods” while the men are given accolades and told to enjoy their freedom while they can. Although TV programs like Sex in the City helped to change people’s opinions of single women over 30 in some regard, the fact remains that if we want children the natural way (i.e., no sperm donor), we need a man.

With no sight of Mr. Right on the horizon, she feels pressure from herself and those around her (even if they don’t say so out loud) to get on it and meet the father-to-be of her unborn offspring. Her parents either nag her or shoot worried looks across her head at each other, anxious she’ll be left alone after they’re gone. Her friends offer to fix her up with just about any man who’s single – height, weight and chemistry not being factors in the equation whatsoever. And then there are the snickering colleagues, who rib her and suggest she “switch teams.” (Yes, this has actually happened to some of us.)

What’s a 30-something single girl to do? According to well-meaning friends and family, she may want to lower her standards some, accept that not everyone is perfect and compromise and her list of must-haves for a man. She should put things in perspective and ask herself, does it really matter if his shoes suck? Does that eminent bald spot mean he won’t be a great dad? Is it really a big deal he still lives with his parents?

She also needs to – they say – put herself in check. No talking about babies and marriage in the early stages of dating. Men already know what women in their 30s want – if he smells the slightest whiff of desperation beyond that societal stigma, he’ll take off running for the hills.

And what about looking for love in the wrong places? She’ll never find a man at the bar, her friends say while nursing their babies and staring adoringly at husbands they met at a Sigma Chi fraternity party back in college. Why not meet someone at the office, through friends or go online? (Like she hasn’t thought of any of those options before.)

How come when a woman turns 30, she’s supposed to throw all her standards, all her dreams and all the things she holds important out the window? In your 20s you’re free to find him however you like, hold him to the highest standards and tell him it’s your way or the highway. As soon as you hit the big three-oh, though, you must change yourself to snag a man, any man.

It’s the million-dollar question people, and we want to hear what you have to say about it.

Singled out: Two minus one equals not invited

It happens so suddenly. One moment you’re part of the club and the next you find yourself excommunicated from your girlfriends, your confidantes. Did you get in a fight? Maybe you told a lie? Perhaps you engaged in a little backstabbing cattiness? No, it is all much worse than that. You broke up with your boyfriend.

Once upon a time your friendship made sense. Dinner parties would be evenly matched, your boyfriends would have XBox competitions, Entertainment Books would be purchased for 2-4-1 outings and the planets would align in coupled bliss. You shared dreams of weddings, births and your children growing up to become boyfriend-girlfriend. You would be seated together at weddings and watch the single ladies fight over the bouquet. Life was perfect, as was your friendship.

But then one day you announce your break-up. On the road to this end, your friends stood behind you. They listened and offered a shoulder as you cried yourself to sleep. They even came over with a bottle of wine to help you drown your sorrows. But as the dust clears, so do they.

The reality is, you are no longer part of the couple’s club, so what could you possibly have in common? After all, what is there to talk about if you can’t talk about your significant others?

Maybe this all sounds a little exaggerated, but when you are dealing with a breakup, losing your friends at the same time makes it so much worse. The questions you have about your own self worth become amplified and you feel very alone. After all, no one wants to be around you.

So, can singles and couples co-exist? Here are a few tips for couples to help their single friends:

1. Do invite singles to dinner parties. Even if there isn’t an equal guy-gal ratio, chances are your single friend can hold their own.


2. Don’t assume that two single people over thirty would naturally be a perfect match. There is more to relationships than the fact that both individuals are alone.


3. Do indulge your single friend by letting her have a “plus one” at weddings. There is nothing worse than having everyone refer to you and your other single friends as the “Sex and the City” gals.


4. Don’t tell her that there are “plenty of fish in the sea” or that they have “lots of time”. It is the last thing a single wants to hear from someone with a husband and two kids.


5. Do remember that it might have been a while since your single friend has had some lovin’. Don’t complain about your husband going away for the weekend.


6. Finally, and in all seriousness, do remember that your single friend is going through a lot of changes and may need you now more than ever. Please stand by her and try to put yourself in her shoes. There may come a time in the future that you will be in the same situation.