Saturday, September 19, 2009

The ultimate goal

There are plenty of reasons to feel good about being single – even if you feel slightly off-kilter in the love or life department. We’ve used this blog as a medium to relate some of those things to you: the independence, the possibilities, the freedom – the shopping! Ultimately, however, there is only one all-encompassing source of empowerment from which every single – and every half of a couple, for that matter – can draw from: love of self.

The most obvious cliché that comes to mind (a maxim almost all being-single-related conversations are saturated with) is: “You must love yourself before you can love or be loved by someone else.” Whether these are words you live by or a piece of advice you’re really, really sick of hearing, it’s the truth.

But there’s a catch. The goal behind true self-love is not to bring a relationship you’re your life. Love – of any kind – isn’t a 12-step program. You don’t strive for one milestone simply to be able to move on to the next. True self-love is, in fact, the ultimate goal – there is nothing more beyond it. Even if you start striving for it for all the wrong reasons, once you’ve truly achieved it you’ll see there’s nothing else you need (or will want) to attain. It’s pretty much the end of the line – and that’s a good thing.

Having said that, it may be time for us singles (and everyone, for that matter) to stop focusing on finding someone and start focusing on finding ourselves. What makes this idea hard to blog about is, as is often the case, words don’t do it justice. It’s the kind of thing only personal realization can articulate. But if you’re struggling, and feel like you’ve tried everything to find love, maybe you can just trust the idea and give loving yourself a go. If you succeed you’ll know: there’s nothing better out there and nothing more you need.

So all that attention and energy you’ve been exerting to find a partner? Shift it back toward yourself. There are lots of things you can do to learn more about self-love, which is something that can take work to achieve, especially if it’s never come naturally to you. There are loads of books about it, not to mention the Internet. More than likely there’s a class offered somewhere in your community – sign up and let someone else lead you down the path. Self-love is the REAL goal – no matter WHAT society says about love and marriage.

And a final point: it’s not about giving up on the hope of having a relationship with another person or succumbing to the idea you’ll always be alone. No. 1: When you really, really love yourself you’ll be supremely happy, and you’ll feel fulfilled no matter what your life looks like. No. 2: Loving yourself is, hands down, the best way to give others love. And that’s what they really mean when they say, “You gotta love yourself first.”

NB: We did a quick Google search for "self-love" and got the following hits:
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1 comment:

  1. AnonymousSeptember 22, 2009 at 7:05 AM

    Interesting and true for many...but I admit I didn't truly love myself until I saw how truly deeply I could be loved by another person. When I was able to witness someone's sacrifice on my behalf, someone's true praise of my actions or beauty which I thought I had lacked, it was then that I felt validated. It sounds cheesy, but I didn't feel true love until it was given and then I knew how to give it- both to myself and to others. It was then that I also realized how sacrificial love is- I saw it in how my mother put us first always, and I see it in how I parent and in how I partner.
    So, as much as I think you have a good point, I believe I have learned more about love through being loved than by loving only me.
    Keep searching...you'll find it, too.

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Thirty and *gasp* single

It started about five years ago. Everyone – and we mean EVERYONE – got married. Being in a university sorority meant we knew a lot of women – some as close friends, some as acquaintances and some simply as recurring names in the endless stream of gossip that permeated our lives as part of the so-called “Greek system.” Back then we were like all the other girls – crushing, flirting, dating, crying, begging, breaking up, getting back together, falling in and out of love and, from time to time, daring to dream of our future weddings. What would the dress look like? How many bridesmaids would we have? And – most importantly – who would the groom be? We were all travelling the same path at that time; all puzzling over the complexities and emotions of “being in a relationship;” all wondering (and worrying) – when would that wonderful, white day, with its “I dos” and promises of everlasting love and happiness, come?

And then we came to that big, fat intersection. You know the one. You can either take a right, hit cruise-control and coast down scenic Wedding Way, where the sun shines and the birds sing and all the floral arrangements match the place settings or hang a left, shift into four-wheel drive and do your darndest to navigate Lonely Lane, a rocky, winding, unpredictable route fraught with potholes, landmines and seats at the singles’ table (it’s the one at the back of the room, in case you didn't know). Read more.