What is the one and only word that says who you are?

As I had previously mentioned, I am reading Eat. Pray. Love. for the second time and it is having such a different meaning for me. I seem to have the ability to relate every character, heroine, love story, tragedy, even horoscope to my own life. Still, somehow a 32 year old woman who leaves a marriage and pursues her dreams in Italy (among other countries) has an uncanny likeness. While I didn't leave a marriage, the end of a 4 year relationship and engagement had the same effect on me.  Of course I have also found my own adventures and love for Italy, but that is a story for another post.

Elizabeth Gilbert discusses with Giulio, a plutonic friend in Rome, about how different cities have their own word associated with them.  Rome's is sex, the Vatican's is power (not faith), New York's is achieve, LA's is succeed, Naples' is fight and Stockholm's is conform.  Gilbert then tries to find her word, a challenge I feel every woman should undertake.  Gilbert knows that her words are not family or marriage -- for this was the life she had just left.  She was also happy (as am I) that her word (and mine) is no longer depression. She then toys with some possibilities -- seek, hide, pleasure, devotion -- and none quite stick.  It is hard to find one word that sums up who you are. 

I was discussing this with a friend and she actually came up with my word.  I don't know if this still counts, after all, it wasn't my creative idea, but it is so perfect. My word is evolve, or more precisely, evolving as it is an action, a process that I am undergoing.  Who I am is changing at such a rapid pace.  I have learned more about myself in the last ten months than I had in twenty-nine years. I have changed my outlook on life, on love, on duty and on happiness. I am evolving into the person, and woman I really want to be.  It may be a little scarier than the marriage word I had once focused so intently on, but it allows for so many possibilities and that is exactly where I want to be.

What is your word?

When Will I Be the Guest of Honour?

We would like to thank everyone who have been regularly visiting the blog and sharing comments on the site, in Facebook, in emails or through conversation. We have enjoyed sharing our thoughts and experiences and are amazed that what started as a forum for  the single gal has also captured response from married women and even single/married men! Perhaps a window into the "women are from Venus" phenomenon, but it has amazed and humbled us that the blog has already captured such wide appeal.

So, you may wonder why we have created the blog. Against popular opinion, its intention is not to create a divide between the marrieds and the singles. It has never been our intention to ostracize any individual, but rather to have a forum for single women to share, identify and feel as one.

Society has created a system where couples are celebrated. It is evident socially as well as economically as the modern Western lifestyle typically requires two breadwinners. This is especially apparent in Vancouver where the cost of living and the price of real estate is largely unattainable for the single person. Socially, there is a certain expectation that for a woman to be complete, she has to have a man by her side and this is the primary consideration when judging a woman's success in the world. The glass ceiling is still looming and women need to balance career, marriage, motherhood and community involvement to be considered a complete and successful individual.

The celebration of the monogamous relationship is everywhere. From our adolescence, magazines teach us how to attract the opposite sex and this evolves through the thousands of wedding and parenting magazines, websites and reality television shows. Its presence is omnipotent. Reality TV has shown us the oddities of living plus 8 or 18 and counting -- relatively mundane followings of families. Any shows about singles are either stereotyped and overdramatized or are about "finding the one". Just think about the women vying for the bachelor -- the pinnacle of life's achievements. There are no reality shows that follow the single woman around. I'm not talking about dating shows, I am talking about shows that capture her career pursuits, her daily routines, HER mundane tasks. Even Sex and the City, while among the closest approximation to the variety in a single's life, still had an ultimate goal. Carrie got Big, Miranda and Steve found happiness and Charlotte was finally able to conceive. Even Samantha is rumoured to marry in the sequel. A show that was supposed to be the "human voice" for thousands, if not millions of single women, still had the fairytale ending.

So, what is left for the single girl? Societal norms support the union of two individuals and pop culture reinforces and provides resources for couples. There is no where to turn for the single woman who just wants to relate and identify with others who find themselves in the same situation. Hence the purpose for the blog. Please understand that the comments are not to attack any individual, but just to have a locale to share common concerns and celebrate a status that is never the guest of honour at the party.

Please let us have this one medium.

The ultimate goal

There are plenty of reasons to feel good about being single – even if you feel slightly off-kilter in the love or life department. We’ve used this blog as a medium to relate some of those things to you: the independence, the possibilities, the freedom – the shopping! Ultimately, however, there is only one all-encompassing source of empowerment from which every single – and every half of a couple, for that matter – can draw from: love of self.

The most obvious cliché that comes to mind (a maxim almost all being-single-related conversations are saturated with) is: “You must love yourself before you can love or be loved by someone else.” Whether these are words you live by or a piece of advice you’re really, really sick of hearing, it’s the truth.

But there’s a catch. The goal behind true self-love is not to bring a relationship you’re your life. Love – of any kind – isn’t a 12-step program. You don’t strive for one milestone simply to be able to move on to the next. True self-love is, in fact, the ultimate goal – there is nothing more beyond it. Even if you start striving for it for all the wrong reasons, once you’ve truly achieved it you’ll see there’s nothing else you need (or will want) to attain. It’s pretty much the end of the line – and that’s a good thing.

Having said that, it may be time for us singles (and everyone, for that matter) to stop focusing on finding someone and start focusing on finding ourselves. What makes this idea hard to blog about is, as is often the case, words don’t do it justice. It’s the kind of thing only personal realization can articulate. But if you’re struggling, and feel like you’ve tried everything to find love, maybe you can just trust the idea and give loving yourself a go. If you succeed you’ll know: there’s nothing better out there and nothing more you need.

So all that attention and energy you’ve been exerting to find a partner? Shift it back toward yourself. There are lots of things you can do to learn more about self-love, which is something that can take work to achieve, especially if it’s never come naturally to you. There are loads of books about it, not to mention the Internet. More than likely there’s a class offered somewhere in your community – sign up and let someone else lead you down the path. Self-love is the REAL goal – no matter WHAT society says about love and marriage.

And a final point: it’s not about giving up on the hope of having a relationship with another person or succumbing to the idea you’ll always be alone. No. 1: When you really, really love yourself you’ll be supremely happy, and you’ll feel fulfilled no matter what your life looks like. No. 2: Loving yourself is, hands down, the best way to give others love. And that’s what they really mean when they say, “You gotta love yourself first.”

NB: We did a quick Google search for "self-love" and got the following hits:

• Your trump card: self-love (Psychology Today)
• The circle of love: do you love yourself? (Not Alone)