Thirty isn't the new 20 - it's a a million times better

Whether I thought I’d still be single at 30 isn't the point - I am, and I don’t regret it. I’ve had opportunities and experiences being single thus far in life that I wouldn’t trade for all the "I dos" in the world.

Many people I interact with in life have no idea what it’s like to be single and 30, so I just thought I’d share a few notes.

Being single at 30 is entirely different than being single in your 20s - that's early, mid and late 20s. If you haven’t experienced single at 30 for yourself, just know it’s not the same as the experience you had when you were in college and dating - or even 27 and dating. So many people don't seem to realize this simple fact, so keep it in mind.

How is it different? In some ways it’s better and in other ways it’s harder.

It’s better because I’ve grown and matured and am much more capable of processing things and dealing with issues than I used to be, and for that I am very thankful. When I was younger I didn’t trust God (it's just a word people - I'm talking about a higher power, which could very well exist inside yourself) as well and I wasn’t as grounded, so when something went bust it shook me up more than it does now.

I’m so thankful God uses experiences to help us grow and teach us, otherwise we’d never make it. The emotional rollercoaster that a relationship or even desire for a relationship can be has become much more tame, more like the teacups than, say, the scream-a-nator. I’m getting sick just thinking about it. So anyway, I’ll take a spin on the teacups any day! (The line's shorter, anyhow.)

It’s harder for a few reasons: the pool of available/datable guys is shrinking and so is the pool of close friends who are still single. Many (most) of my friends have moved on even from the newly-married stage to the baby-making stage. By no means am I saying they aren't still great friends, but there is something to be said for knowing others that are in the same life stage as you. And trust me, it's almost as hard to find new single friends to hang with as it is single men to date.

And then there's the old biological clock. Admittedly, this doesn't bother me nearly as much as some of the other single gals I know who are also in their 30s, but for them it’s like a constant nagging reminder that the older you get the more risky (generally) pregnancy will be, that you really want to be married for a couple of years before having kids and that maybe you’d better start doing something you’re not already doing so you can have that family you’ve always wanted before it’s too late.

(Side note: It bothers me when my single friends talk about feeling this way. In my opinion, it’s simply a matter of fate. They’re single right now because they’re meant to be (i.e. there is a good reason for it, though it may not be apparent currently) and, if they’re meant to have children, they will. Hence my dislike of the many fertility drugs and methods available to us these days. If you’re not meant to have kids – at any age – you’re not meant to have kids. It’s Mother Nature’s form of population control.)

So those are some of the ways that being single is different at 30. Please feel free to comment on what you might relate to or agree with, and what you might not.

The way we live now: 10-14-01; in my tribe

You may be like me: between the ages of 25 and 39, single, a college-educated city dweller. If so, you may have also had the unpleasant experience of discovering that you have been identified (by the U.S. Census Bureau, no less) as one of the fastest-growing groups in America -- the ''never marrieds.'' In less than 30 years, the number of never-marrieds has more than doubled, apparently pushing back the median age of marriage to the oldest it has been in our country's history -- about 25 years for women and 27 for men.

As if the connotation of ''never married'' weren't negative enough, the vilification of our group has been swift and shrill. These statistics prove a ''titanic loss of family values,'' according to The Washington Times. An article in Time magazine asked whether ''picky'' women were ''denying themselves and society the benefits of marriage'' and in the process kicking off ''an outbreak of 'Sex and the City' promiscuity.'' In a study on marriage conducted at Rutgers University, researchers say the ''social glue'' of the family is at stake, adding ominously that ''crime rates . . . are highly correlated with a large percentage of unmarried young males.''

Although I never planned it, I can tell you how I became a never-married. Thirteen years ago, I moved to San Francisco for what I assumed was a brief transition period between college and marriage. The problem was, I wasn't just looking for an appropriate spouse. To use the language of the Rutgers researchers, I was ''soul-mate searching.'' Like 94 percent of never-marrieds from 20 to 29, I, too, agree with the statement ''When you marry, you want your spouse to be your soul mate first and foremost.'' This über-romantic view is something new. In a 1965 survey, fully three out of four college women said they'd marry a man they didn't love if he fit their criteria in every other way. I discovered along with my friends that finding that soul mate wasn't easy. Girlfriends came and went, as did jobs and apartments. The constant in my life -- by default, not by plan -- became a loose group of friends. After a few years, that group's membership and routines began to solidify. We met weekly for dinner at a neighborhood restaurant. We traveled together, moved one another's furniture, painted one another's apartments, cheered one another on at sporting events and open-mike nights. One day I discovered that the transition period I thought I was living wasn't a transition period at all. Something real and important had grown there. I belonged to an urban tribe.

Read the rest: The New York Times

Top 10 single gal travel tips

“One’s destination is never a place, but a new way of seeing things.” - Henry Miller

It took nearly thirty years, but I developed the passion, the desire, the adiction to travel. For so long I felt that I needed to make my journey one that was shared with a special someone and in so doing, I denied myself the wonders of seeing the world. By circumstance, I found myself with the opportunity to travel solo last December. When suggested to me, I thought it was preposterous. Why would I want to see the world's most romantic destinations -- Italy, Barcelona, Paris -- by myself? The thought of all the kissing in the streets of Montmartre and the hills of Tuscany was nauseating. Still, a wave of reason (or maybe bravery or insanity for that matter) swept over me and I knew it was something I had to do.

So, I did the unthinkable. With my single ticket in hand, I boarded the plane, I disembarked in Rome and I started the voyage that would change everything. What surprised me is that no one questioned why I was there by myself. As someone who couldn't even go to a movie theatre alone, here I was, half way around the world and feeling comfortable in my own skin. It was the most liberating experience. I allowed myself to open up to strangers, to try things that I never would at home and to just learn more about what it meant to be me. I learned more about myself in those three weeks than I had in a lifetime. There is something about travel that tears down the walls us North Americans have built and allows us to see the world's basic foundations.

For the single woman who is considering this option, I wanted to provide the following tips:

1. Stay in hostels. Through my professional life, I had had grown accustomed to five star accommodation and had preconceived notions that "hostel" was a euphemism for "dorm". Go to www.hostelworld.com and read all of the comments. Find a balance between social environment, price, fun and location, and go in with an open mind. Hostels can be for all ages and allows the single traveler the opportunity to make friends and touring partners.

2. Buy a bottle, make a friend. In addition to the above, a hostel allows the opportunity to make friends while preparing dinner or just hanging out in the evening. Buying a cheap bottle of wine and being prepared to share will grow your friendship circle exponentially.

3. Keep an open mind. Hostels come in all shapes and sizes. Some are like big college dorms, others are like homey apartments that have been transformed into rooms with multiple beds. When visiting a new location, remain positive and be prepared for anything. You will never be disappointed but you may be pleasantly surprised!

4. Try to speak the language. If you are single and female, it is quite likely that you will have a lot of men making an effort to speak to you. They will likely start a conversation in English, but try your hardest to respond in their language. Even if you make mistakes they will be impressed with your attempts and will be that much more willing to help you out.

5. Stay close to the town centre. As a single traveler, you are bound to want to explore the streets and - hopefully - enjoy the nightlife. Plan to arrive in a new city by daylight and find accommodation in the city centre. It may be tempting to stay close to a train station, but these areas are sometimes less desirable and are often a fair distance from the city's main attractions. Having a central starting point for each day's adventures will also help you thoroughly cover the city and allow for quick trips should you have forgotten to visit a monument or two.

6. Pack a dress and heels! A necessity for the single gal at home, don't get caught up in the idea that you will just be visiting monuments and rolling into bed at night. A cute cotton dress and heels does not take up much room in a backpack or suitcase but will make all the difference. If you are visiting multiple locations, no one needs to know that you have already worn the dress several times. Dressing up increases your chances to have a glass of wine purchased for you and also makes for great vacay pictures!

7. Pack light and be ready to shop. Like a single woman really needs to be told to go shopping, but use this opportunity to buy great clothes for cheaper than you would at home (Canada in particular).

8. Be open to any experience. Even if your intention is to soak up as much culture as possible, don't prevent yourself from being open to wonderfully eye opening and life changing experiences. You never know what a chance encounter might become.

9. Read more. The above tips are light and fun, but for information on how to remain safe while traveling view this article. Your safety is your #1 priority and concern.

10. Live and enjoy. This is your time to learn about yourself and shine. Live your life with no regrets and make a million memories.

Happy birthday dear single

Next week I turn 29 and it got me thinking a little about my life and where I am. I thought that at this age I would be married with two kids, a dog, a house in the suburbs and have one of those annoying mother-in-laws. However, I am still single with no kids, don’t own a home, still in school and occasionally go to my parent’s house for a decent meal and to do my laundry. Pathetic? Probably but when I really think about it, I would much rather be alone than stuck in some loveless relationship or sleep deprived from having to wake up in the middle of the night to take care of a screaming child.

In fact, there was a point in time when that could have been my life but I made the conscious decision to walk away from that four year relationship because I wasn’t ready for marriage and he was. Ironically, he got himself a new girlfriend in three months and married her two years later. So instead I went on many, many dates. For example, there was the muscular soccer player who was emotionally distant, the talented artist who only called me late at night, the gorgeous Italian who made a sex face like a horse having an asthma attack and the hot white rapper who would rather smoke pot than hang out with me. My most memorable experience, though, had to be the guy who brought out a whip and Viagra on our first (and last) night together.

And so at 29, I am still dating and although it feels like I am going around in circles dating the same types of men over and over again; I have learned what qualities I don't like, what a douche is and what I will not give up when it comes to my self respect and values. I think that being single and almost 30 is not so bad, after all I have another year to celebrate my birthday with my gorgeous single friends. I will definitely drink to that.

Sonya

Sonya is a guest blogger with Single in Society. Single and living in downtown Vancouver, Sonya is a finance professional and sassy socialite.

A single act of bravery

There’s something I’ve been putting off doing … for about three years now. Ever since Facebook became a quasi-necessity I’ve chosen (quite consciously) to leave my Relationship Status blank. Conspicuously so. I’ve finally realized this decision has never been about my indifference to what 750 or so fellow facebook-ers think about my singledom; nor has it been about my feelings regarding personal privacy. These would have been noble reasons to keep my status N/A.

Sadly, it’s always only been about one thing: my pride.

Is it just me or are there other people who feel the same way about choosing to set their Relationship Status to “Single” – that for some reason (again, I love to blame it on society, but I will do so only in brackets this time, as an aside of sorts) letting people on FB know you’re minus- rather than plus-one is shameful? Am I reading too much into this, or are my feelings legit?

Since this is my blog post I guess I’ll assume my thoughts are founded. Somehow, without anyone having to say anything about it, proclaiming your single status on this particular social networking site (I don't know what it's like on others; I have a feeling the teens on MySpace display their status as single with more ease and acceptance) is considered to be a source of shame. On the other hand, getting the chance to let everyone (who cares or doesn’t) know you’ve just started a new relationship or – miracle of miracles! – tied the knot is like winning the Nobel Prize: a matter of pride, an accomplishment, an amazing achievement, something that must shared with the world.

Most singles on FB, I find, choose to leave their status blank. But attend a wedding and you can be sure the next day two more statuses will have instantly changed to “Married.” When you break up with someone changing your Relationship Status is rarely the first thing you do or think of doing; get a rock from your boyfriend and you can’t fire the computer up fast enough.

Last night I decided enough was enough. I should be proud of who I am, and that includes wanting to share EVERYTHING that makes me, me. So what if I’m on my own at this point in life? I should celebrate my freedom, my independence, my hard work, my resilience as much as anyone who’s been lucky enough to meet their soul mate. In MYBOOK, it’s as lofty an accomplishment as being proposed to. Maybe even more so. After all, I did it alone - and that's something to be proud of.

NB: The thing I found most surprising about making the switch was how many comments I received after I did the deed and cryptically (or so I thought) proclaimed “Noa is being FB brave” in my main status box. Suddenly other singles came crawling out of the woodwork – and they all knew exactly what I meant by this statement (coupled, I’m sure, with the fact everyone must have read "Noa is now single" in their News Feeds. Interestingly enough, none of my coupled or married FB contacts said anything at all.

An interesting blog post about a similar topic: Deconstructing Facebook.

Amy Fabulous: My very own Choose Your Own Adventure book

Your twenties are such a whimsical time of your life. Your twenties marks the decade where you will endure your many firsts –your first real job, first love, first home, first reality check…

Looking back at some recent events of my life I’ve realized that, life is like a Choose Your Own Adventure novel. You make these critical decisions that ultimately sway you on one path or another. Each path heading a different direction, with its own twists and turns, destination unknown.

In love – when I was younger, I always thought you were destined for your one and only soul mate. However, I’ve realized that you can have many loves, and you may even share love with a soul mate but not end up being with that person.
You may question, “Whatever happened to the belief that love is predetermined by fate and stars and all that other magical stuff – this theory of multiple loves is surely not romantic enough!”

Sure it is. I’m not saying to have multiple relationships at a time, I’m saying that it’s about finding a person you are truly compatible with and letting love develop with that person. “Once your love develops, he will become the only one for you…It is your heart not destiny, that turns a mere man into a unique, irreplaceable partner for all your ways” (Kearns). ...

Read the rest: Amy Fabulous.

The perils of singledom

A girl is out with friends having drinks on Toronto's trendy King Street. A man approaches her and refuses to leave her alone until he gets her phone number. She relents and passes him her business card, if only to make him bug off. She stays for another round of drinks and calls it a night, not giving a second thought to the annoyingly persistent but seeminlgy harmless guy she gave her digits to.

What comes next? You'll have to listen to find out: The Reason Some Girls Stay Single.