Single in Society

What is the one and only word that says who you are?

2009-10-17T08:33:00.000-07:00

As I had previously mentioned, I am reading Eat. Pray. Love. for the second time and it is having such a different meaning for me. I seem to have the ability to relate every character, heroine, love story, tragedy, even horoscope to my own life. Still, somehow a 32 year old woman who leaves a marriage and pursues her dreams in Italy (among other countries) has an uncanny likeness. While I didn't leave a marriage, the end of a 4 year relationship and engagement had the same effect on me. Of course I have also found my own adventures and love for Italy, but that is a story for another post.

Elizabeth Gilbert discusses with Giulio, a plutonic friend in Rome, about how different cities have their own word associated with them. Rome's is sex, the Vatican's is power (not faith), New York's is achieve, LA's is succeed, Naples' is fight and Stockholm's is conform. Gilbert then tries to find her word, a challenge I feel every woman should undertake. Gilbert knows that her words are not family or marriage -- for this was the life she had just left. She was also happy (as am I) that her word (and mine) is no longer depression. She then toys with some possibilities -- seek, hide, pleasure, devotion -- and none quite stick. It is hard to find one word that sums up who you are.

I was discussing this with a friend and she actually came up with my word. I don't know if this still counts, after all, it wasn't my creative idea, but it is so perfect. My word is evolve, or more precisely, evolving as it is an action, a process that I am undergoing. Who I am is changing at such a rapid pace. I have learned more about myself in the last ten months than I had in twenty-nine years. I have changed my outlook on life, on love, on duty and on happiness. I am evolving into the person, and woman I really want to be. It may be a little scarier than the marriage word I had once focused so intently on, but it allows for so many possibilities and that is exactly where I want to be.

What is your word?

A Single at a Wedding. Adventures in Tofino...con't.

2009-10-12T07:13:00.000-07:00

I have now returned to Vancouver and wanted to share what was a fantastic weekend. My second wedding as a Single could not have turned out any better and I did not feel ostracized, embarrassed or shamed in the least. Maybe this was partly due to my state of mind, but I think it was largely the actions of the guests and wedding party.

Both families were incredibly welcoming and hospitable. On the eve of the wedding, I met up with the bride's aunts and uncles and they treated me like I was one of their own. The mother of the bride has 11 siblings, so four were there with their spouses and they mentioned how accustomed they are to having new people come in and out of their family. By the end of the evening, we were joking that I was "cousin Kristie" and even "Oma" (the 87 year old grandmother) was telling me how I my colouring and personality made me like one of the family.

The wedding day was spectacular. Until recently I had thought I would want a large wedding where I would be worshipped as the princess of the ball, but the 45 at this wedding could not have been more perfect. The ceremony was on the beach, followed by a cocktail reception and elaborate meal and wine pairing. The size of the wedding allowed the bride and groom to recognize every single person throughout the speeches and individuals were able to get up and tell stories about the couple. It was so intimate and I could not have imagined it working out any better. I made friends with a woman who was there with her husband and darling 11 month old little boy. He was such a charmer to the ladies and he and I had a special connection. Again the pangs of wanting children creeped up on me, but I was able to douse the feelings by remembering that my opportunity will come and that it is not a race, despite the societal pressures that claim that it is the "thing to do" at 30. The evening ended with an "Arabian Nights" gathering in a tent on the beach and it could not have been a better ending to the perfect day.

What was so noteworthy to me as a Single at the wedding, was the level of understanding and support of the families and select guests. For some reason I found myself sharing my very personal story with a few people and they had such faith in my decisions and the path I plan to take. They even told me that they expect to hear updates from the bride at the next family reunion. I felt such a warmth enveloping me and did not feel I had to justify my "status" or feel ashamed for being alone. A person's kindness can make such a difference in the world. I feel so blessed to have been part of this celebration.

Can Singles Survive in a Couple's Town?

2009-10-09T11:35:00.001-07:00

I am currently writing from Tofino, British Columbia. For those not familiar, it is on the west coast of Vancouver Island and is the last destination before a long stretch of ocean and Japan on the other side. It is well known for its surfers and tourists and in my case, a wedding. I arrived here yesterday and had no idea the beauty that awaited me.

Tofino is also known as a great couple's getaway. My beautiful room has a king sized bed, two lounge chairs on my private patio, two wine glasses, two complimentary breakfast vouchers and one fireplace. Being a Single, this could provide much reason for sadness and anxiety, although I am pleasantly surprised that loneliness has not reared its ugly head. The bed is large enough for me to stretch out in a starfish and the beach is steps away for me to go on long, romantic walks (solo!).

There are three female Singles at this wedding. Myself, the sister of the bride and the sister of the groom. An interesting combination I think. The bride's sister came over last night before dinner and we popped a bottle of champagne, took some pictures of the stunning setting and sat back to chat in our "couple's retreat". All things considered, it was a pretty wonderful time. Today we are going for a bike ride to explore the little town and tonight I will likely relax in my soaker tub with Eat.Pray.Love. (my second reading!)

More updates to come, but I guess my revelation is that a Single in the right mind set can overcome any of the mental landmines she may encounter. So I am off for my run on the beach, workout in the gym and daytime activities in this couple's domain. Wish me luck!

Hey Singles! Ever thought of pursuing an office romance?

2009-10-07T17:42:00.001-07:00

Office liaisons can lift hearts?or just raise eyebrows | Article | Homepage articles

I have never had any interest in pursuing anyone in the workplace, but I am not against it as long as good judgment is used. I once had two co-workers who are now married. We didn't even know they were in a relationship until he quit and proposed to his office romance.

There is truth, regardless of age or generation,that our personal and professional lives are blurring more and more. As long as we manage our online and and in-person "footprint", I don' think there should be anything wrong with dating in the workplace. What do you think?

If you are already pursuing a workplace relationship, check out these tips on how to

Conceal An Office Romance.

Happy dating!

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Are Women Still Looking For Prince Charming?

2009-10-06T20:41:00.001-07:00

Are Women Still Looking For Prince Charming?

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A married woman and mother comments on Single in Society

2009-10-06T20:10:00.000-07:00

I wanted to share this wonderful comment as a result of the post "Three Women and a Baby". We love hearing from singles as well as marrieds/mothers, so keep the conversation flowing!

Anonymous said...

It was in fact MY HUSBAND who read your blog before I did and walked me arm in arm to the computer screen. He was moved by not only your articulate and colorful descriptions of your observations of society, but also your hopeful and open-minded conclusions. Apparently married men find single women's insights just as interesting as other single women!!

What thoughtful and challenging friends the two of you must be!! (wink wink!)

As a new mother, I can completely relate to what you describe. What I find additionally interesting is how pockets of society craft "milestone norms" if you will, that are not in fact norms at all if one just steps outside of the postal code. They are really just comfort zones that women can somehow measure up to in times of uncertainty. Get married, don't, have a baby, don't, whatever makes you happy. I'll be happy that you are happy!

Bravo to you both. I hope you will continue to shed light on both the real and perceived ideas of women in society in general and in the process of creating dialogue tear down these perceived norms and build lasting and supportive relationships amongst them.

OCTOBER 5, 2009 2:56 PM

Manolos and Doggie Biscuits

2009-10-04T07:30:00.000-07:00

You may recall, a few years ago, our oh-so-favourite Carrie Bradshaw attended a baby shower where her prized Minolos were stolen. Upon deliberating with her crew, she calculated the amount she had spent on bridal showers, bachelorette parties, wedding gifts, baby showers, first birthdays...the list goes on. As a single lady, she never had the party, never had the gift, never had the celebratory drink or cake or hors d'oeuvre in her honour.

When the hostess was confronted about the missing heels, she reluctantly offered compensation. They were Manolos -- a very expensive shoe -- and the friend balked at the exorbitant price and frivolity of the item. She spoke of duties and parenthood and all the reasons why she shouldn't be required to pay such a sum.

The end result included Carrie registering for her prized shoes and the hostess grudgingly making the purchase and sending along greetings, as one would when they are celebrating a friend's nuptials. It was a very happy ending for C.B.!

I was reminded of this story today when I heard of plans for a doggie shower in honour of my friend becoming a "mother" to her new "child". Having never wed, she has not had the opportunity to participate in the pre-marital bliss and revelry of the bride- or mother-to-be. The canine celebration will have all the trimmings -- themed invites, catering, gifts, party games, decor -- and guests will shower her with love, admiration and giddiness, just as they would the blushing bride.

While there are still opportunities for bridal celebrations in her future, this single gets to be the guest of honour at her party. Pics and stories to come!!!

Summer Lovin', Had me a Blast...

2009-10-04T07:24:00.000-07:00

It is that time of year when the party dresses and strappy sandals make way for long sweaters and down-filled boots. The leaves are changing, the days are crisp and the warm summer breezes that brought evenings of wonder are a thing of the past. Summer was an idyllic fling. Patio evenings, trail adventures, ice cream outings, girls' night soirees -- a bacchanalian courtship that I never wanted to end.

Summer of '09 in Vancouver was one of the very best. Barely any rain and record breaking temperatures had all of us forgetting the months of endless drear that loomed ahead. It was an opportunity for five single girls to live la dolce vita in a haze filled aura of martinis, music and nightlife.

But like all summer flings, it had to come to an end. Somehow we all instinctively knew that it was over, even without discussing. Like the kids returning to school, fall is the time to buckle down, dive into work and again pursue our professional and personal goals. It is the time to swear off the gelato and wine and embrace the health conscious vegetable soups and casseroles.

While saying goodbye to a loved one has its moments of sorrow, I am excited about the challenges that lie ahead. While the nights on the town were a welcomed treat, I can now focus on my other career, educational and physical goals. After all, I have a lot of work to do before next year's summer flame burns again.

Three Women and a Baby

2009-10-01T20:54:00.000-07:00

It was a great night. Our friend -- a new mother -- was celebrating her birthday and Noa and I were accompanying her for dinner. Our plan was to go to a trendy comfort food bistro on Main Street, but upon arrival, it was not kid friendly. The room was too warm, the tables too close and the atmosphere too stuffy. The baby fussed a bit and all of the patrons were turning, evidently inconvenienced by a child in the room. While I am single, I still have a heart and I still love babies. A little fussing should not be a big issue.

We decided, however, to head back to 4th Ave and found ourselves at Italian Kitchen Trattoria. They were so accommodating. They gave us a great table outside under the heat lamp so that baby wouldn't get too hot (he has issues with heat) and the servers and management kept coming over and ogling over him. He even did a little wiggle dance in time with the jazz music.

It was a great night filled with good conversation, amazing food and hospitable ambiance. A few observations:

1. I take my freedom of only looking after myself for granted. The new mother was talking about what she has to go through just to get ready and get out of the house with a baby. It made my issue about figuring out whether to wear the flat boot or the heeled boot pretty trivial.

2. Babies learning are a magical delight. At three months of age, the baby is learning that he has control of making sounds and conversing. He has complete conversations with his mother and is so serious in his discourse that you know that he believes he is actually sharing in a deep, philosophical discussion.

3. Moms have a an unspoken (and spoken) bond with one another. We passed another woman on the street carrying a baby and the two moms said hello. I can't remember an instance of that ever happening to me on my own.

4. Expectant fathers can be even more excited than mothers. The manager of the restaurant is expecting his first child in seven weeks. He shared with us the fact that they had been trying for nearly two years and you could tell just what a relief and joy this father had for his unborn child.

I look forward to having children when the time is right. It was very obvious this evening that one's life changes forever, so it is essential to be certain before making that leap. Once upon a time I had wanted to have two kids and a white picket fence before the age of thirty, but over time, I have come to realize that this is not the path I am supposed to take. Whether it is my actions or a higher being that makes this decision, I don't know. I am warming up to the idea of being an older mom, secure in my self, finances and relationship. It may not be the path I had once imagined, but it is my path and one that I am going to fully embrace.

When Will I Be the Guest of Honour?

2009-09-30T20:00:00.000-07:00

We would like to thank everyone who have been regularly visiting the blog and sharing comments on the site, in Facebook, in emails or through conversation. We have enjoyed sharing our thoughts and experiences and are amazed that what started as a forum for the single gal has also captured response from married women and even single/married men! Perhaps a window into the "women are from Venus" phenomenon, but it has amazed and humbled us that the blog has already captured such wide appeal.

So, you may wonder why we have created the blog. Against popular opinion, its intention is not to create a divide between the marrieds and the singles. It has never been our intention to ostracize any individual, but rather to have a forum for single women to share, identify and feel as one.

Society has created a system where couples are celebrated. It is evident socially as well as economically as the modern Western lifestyle typically requires two breadwinners. This is especially apparent in Vancouver where the cost of living and the price of real estate is largely unattainable for the single person. Socially, there is a certain expectation that for a woman to be complete, she has to have a man by her side and this is the primary consideration when judging a woman's success in the world. The glass ceiling is still looming and women need to balance career, marriage, motherhood and community involvement to be considered a complete and successful individual.

The celebration of the monogamous relationship is everywhere. From our adolescence, magazines teach us how to attract the opposite sex and this evolves through the thousands of wedding and parenting magazines, websites and reality television shows. Its presence is omnipotent. Reality TV has shown us the oddities of living plus 8 or 18 and counting -- relatively mundane followings of families. Any shows about singles are either stereotyped and overdramatized or are about "finding the one". Just think about the women vying for the bachelor -- the pinnacle of life's achievements. There are no reality shows that follow the single woman around. I'm not talking about dating shows, I am talking about shows that capture her career pursuits, her daily routines, HER mundane tasks. Even Sex and the City, while among the closest approximation to the variety in a single's life, still had an ultimate goal. Carrie got Big, Miranda and Steve found happiness and Charlotte was finally able to conceive. Even Samantha is rumoured to marry in the sequel. A show that was supposed to be the "human voice" for thousands, if not millions of single women, still had the fairytale ending.

So, what is left for the single girl? Societal norms support the union of two individuals and pop culture reinforces and provides resources for couples. There is no where to turn for the single woman who just wants to relate and identify with others who find themselves in the same situation. Hence the purpose for the blog. Please understand that the comments are not to attack any individual, but just to have a locale to share common concerns and celebrate a status that is never the guest of honour at the party.

Please let us have this one medium.

Happily ever after – just not on Facebook, okay?

2009-09-29T11:23:00.000-07:00

You don't have to spend too much time on Livia Dittmer's Facebook page to know that she's happily married.

In her profile picture, the pretty brunette is smiling broadly as her husband, Mark, plants a kiss on her dimpled cheek. Her relationship status lists her as “Married to Mark Dittmer.” Her most recent Facebook album is a catalogue of her wedding photos.

When Ms. Dittmer, a 22-year-old Kitchener, Ont., resident, posted a status update two weeks ago that she missed her husband (who is studying in San Francisco for a semester), she said she received sympathetic messages from her friends.

But not everyone in the Facebook sphere takes kindly to these sorts of digital displays of affection.

Many singles are none too thrilled by the public declarations of love, lust or infatuation from married or engaged friends that appear on their news feeds.

The most extreme proclamations have been compiled at STFU, Marrieds – a wildly popular user-submitted blog that posts a few screen grabs each day of gushy status updates, you're-prettier/no- you're -prettier wall-to-walls, and exchanges that range from baby talk to dirty talk between couples.

While the singles accuse the marrieds of being oversharing braggarts, the marrieds affirm that they can't contain their happiness and suggest their detractors are sulky singles.

When Ms. Dittmer got hitched at 21, some friends suggested she rushed into marriage too quickly. So she partly talks about how much she loves Mr. Dittmer in her Facebook status updates to reassure others.

“I kind of feel a responsibility to people to let them know that everything's still wonderful between us,” she says.

It's exactly this kind of gushing that gets under Andrea Albeanu's skin. When the 23-year-old Orange County, Calif., resident noticed many of her married friends trilling on about how great their husbands were over Facebook, she created STFU, Marrieds.

She says the Internet has allowed couples who might not be so affectionate and lovey-dovey in person to unleash their passion online.

“It's because there's no one in front of them to scowl or give them a reaction,” she says.

Bella DePaulo, a Santa Barbara, Calif.,-based psychologist and author of Singled Out – a book that rebuts stereotypes about singles, said the romantic exchanges on the site are like public kissing or hand-holding, but highly amplified.

“To singles, what they're trying to say is, ‘Look at what I have that you don't.' It's smug.”

Since Erin McGuey, 23, got engaged to her boyfriend Chris Glazier in March, she has avoided talking about her upcoming nuptials on Facebook – for the most part. Last week, she slipped up and she updated her status: “in one year I will be Mrs. Glazier :)”

“I was really excited!” Ms. McGuey, a government communications adviser in Ottawa, says with a sheepish giggle. “That's my cop-out.”

The only other time she has wandered into the realm of schmoopy, she says, was earlier this summer, when Mr. Glazier was working up north for three weeks. The two traded comments of “you are my favourite” and “You're cute,” among others, on each other's walls.

But the really gushy stuff is saved for more private modes of communication, she says.

Less discreet are Kirk Anderson's newlywed friends Caleb and Lauren. Mr. Anderson, who lives in Washington, said the pair aren't very coupley in person, but on Facebook they are over the top in their “mutual narcissism.”

He submitted their wall-to-wall to STFU, Marrieds.

“You're my best friend, my lover, my confidant, my inspiration,” writes Lauren in one message. “You are stunning, and the absolutely perfect wife for me,” Caleb replies.

Mr. Anderson is single, but says even his married friends share his distaste for Caleb and Lauren's public exchanges.

“It causes people to recoil regardless of their relationship status,” said Mr. Anderson.

Ms. Albeanu says since launching STFU, Marrieds, she's faced accusations that she's a jealous single. “It's not because I'm bitter – it's irritating to anybody who has any sense of propriety,” she said.

Los Angeles-based relationship psychologist Yvonne Thomas isn't convinced.
“If they really don't want to be in a relationship, it wouldn't get to them,” Dr. Thomas says. “To find the site and then take the effort of cutting and pasting – come on!”

Ms. Dittmer says her friends have never given her a hard time – digitally, or in person – for saccharine Facebook posts – because they come from a genuine place. “It's because I miss him so much and love him so much I want to let the world know a little bit,” she said.

Rules of engagement
Worried you're a smug married online? Avoid these giveaways:

A self-taken profile picture of the two of you mid-smooch.
Status updates that refer to your “husband/wife,” “hubby/wifey,” “fiancé/fiancée” or “lover” accompanied by the words “best,” “perfect” or “adore.”
Honeymoon or vacation photo albums where landmarks or tourist traps are specks in the background, with your grinning faces in the foreground.
Status updates that refer to being depressed or lonely when your partner is gone – even just for the weekend.
Wall-to-wall compliment-fests.

Dakshana Bascaramurty, The Globe & Mail

The Sunday Times: Why are they still single?

2009-09-29T10:58:00.000-07:00

Four women look at reasons why they haven't found the right man.

I'm too picky: Gemma Soames, 29, journalist

When my last boyfriend and I broke up, I knew that he would be happily shacked up again within a couple of months, and that I would most probably be single for about another six years. Six months down the line and, so far, so prescient. While he nests in rural bliss with his new girlfriend, I am drowning in the shallows of mysinglefriend.com, being propositioned by two Pauls and four Richards — one of whom also goes by the alias “the Jaegermeister”, and none of whom I can quite bring myself to actually meet.

I am one of those people who is single more often that not. Always have been. Yet, in spite of people’s protestations — and “You can’t possibly be single” really is up there in the annoying stakes. For starters, what is one meant to reply? “Because the world is mad”? — the fact that I don’t have a boyfriend isn’t surprising at all. Actually, it’s quite the opposite. Because my kind of boyfriend is really hard to come by.

He needs to be (just) tall enough. And (just about) good-looking enough (but not so much so that I exist as the B-side to his fabulous, good-looking life). Then we need to factor in successful, solvent and driven. But (and this is where it tends to get tricky) he also needs to be long on genuinely good jokes, with a decent sideline in bad ones that only I find funny. He needs to speak good restaurant, to have no special dietary requirements and to always be discerning without ever being fussy. He needs to have never — not even for one drunk minute — sported directional facial hair. He needs to appreciate that a Dutch accent is hilarious. And he needs to be clever without ever making me feel stupid.

He needs to “get” but not “know” fashion. He needs to look like he moisturises, but have never actually done so, and be ready to look after me, yet totally let me get on with looking after myself. He needs to not own one single pair of side-buckle shoes. Or appear to use hair products. He needs to be brave enough to meet my sister, and to be able to say “Screw it. Let’s treat ourselves and go to Paris” without ever seeming one bit too flashy. And, when he’s around, he needs to be the only person in the room I’m really interested in talking to. And that, I fear, is the edited list.

My friend Jessie once pointed out to me — as I complained, again, that someone wasn’t quite right — that being so picky might not be the best idea. “Babe, you’re not Gisele” is how she broke the news. And she has a point. But this is how it is. I am picky, and I’m not prepared to compromise. I’d rather eat wasps than share my Sunday-night sushi with a man who wears tomato-coloured trousers.

I’m sure that, one day, my list will be whittled down by real life to “human and dog-loving”. And I may well end up happy with an unemployed, side-buckle-shoe-wearing, shea-buttered-up hair-gel aficionado. For now, though I’m holding fast. Because, from where I’m standing, settling for anything less just doesn’t seem an option. And I have a sneaking suspicion that he might be worth the wait.

I'm too independent: Edwina Ings-Chambers, 39, beauty director

Why am I single? Oh, you sound just like my mother. And yes, okay, maybe the fact that I have a tendency to prevaricate is a small part of the reason. Mostly, though, I think I’m single because I’m not bothered about being part of A Couple.

I don’t mind going through the mundanities of life on my own; in fact, I prefer doing the supermarket sweep on my tod, rather than turning every domestic chore into proof that I’m part of a bigger picture. I come from a large family, so I already know that I’m part of something greater than myself. And I like being able to organise myself without recourse to anyone else. Flying solo may mean I have all the pressure, but it also means I have all the freedom.

That’s not to say I wouldn’t like to find another half one day, and in reality I’m still waiting for

The One, for the Big Love, for the Real Deal. If I’m going to fall, then I want to be swept off my feet. More than that, I want a relationship that isn’t about making the small things more tolerable, but about making the bigger things more achievable — I want someone who encourages me to be unconventional, to risk everything on one turn of pitch and toss, someone who makes me dare. I don’t need my hand held through the day-to-dayness of life, I need one offered to catch me as I leap over the chasms and pitfalls of chasing my dreams. Right now, the best I can muster is to make the leap blind, scrabble on the scree on the other side and brush off my grazed knees by myself —and that’s if I manage to build up enough courage to take the leap at all. It can be painful — and even lonely.

If I yearn for anything, it’s having someone whose very presence reasons away my fears. But I do not see having a relationship as something that defines me, and I’m not prepared to treat it like a career — as many tell me I should. Apparently, I ought to set my mind to being a man-catcher, invest the same kind of focus, time and determination into meeting men that I invested in building my career — and fast, before I end up on the proverbial shelf. The snag is, I never even approached my career like that. I didn’t have a plan, I just worked hard and followed my instincts, and I don’t think that’s quite the strategy they mean. Likely I’ve watched way too many old movies for my own good, and can recite far more Bogie and Bacall exchanges than any modern woman should admit to. Yet I’m happy to sit it out and wait. He may not look as I imagine him — no raincoat or fedora, perhaps — but I’m happy to take the long view on romance and I’m willing to risk how it plays out. That much I can do alone.

I'm an alpha female: Lulu Le Vay, 38, music agent

At (a youthful) 38, I’m single. Single in the not-hitched-and-no-kids kind of way. Writing the word “single” next to “38” could make you shudder, but not when you remind yourself that more then half the women in London are without a ring on their finger.

In truth, I’ve been flying solo most of my life. I’ve always been able to attract and meet men, but I’ve not yet been able to make any of my relationships work in that happy-ending, soft-focus kind of way, if such a fantasy exists. If anyone is asked to describe me, the adjectives flow down a similar current: independent, feisty, strong-minded, high-achieving and, at times, intimidating. I’m not going to — and shouldn’t have to — apologise for it. Secretly, I quite like it.

I grew up with nine brothers, so I had to defend my corner. In short, I’m an alpha female. Sadly, the heavy scent of a strong, independent woman often proves too much for most men. My last serious relationship ended a year ago. I did genuinely think, for a few fleeting moments, that I might have met my life partner. But there was an imbalance. I had just landed a new contract and his business had just folded. After six months, it all went tits-up.

Since my twenties, I’ve prioritised making something out of my life. I’ve put the pedal to the metal pursuing a career I love, which gives me purpose, earns me respect and has helped to create the life I now have around me. I own a gorgeous flat with gorgeous things in it. I have a nice car. I’m a member of a fancy gym and I wear designer dresses. I do what I like, when I like. It endlessly surprises me how some men find all of the above tricky to deal with. In the last year alone, I’ve encountered a slew of lovely but insecure men. “Your flat is amazing, what must you think of mine?” they ask. “What can a man like me offer a woman like you?” “You’re far more successful and educated than I am.”

Well, boo-hoo. Could you all just man the hell up? Instead of being intimidated, step up to the challenge and let’s be an alpha couple.

I’ve been having too much fun: Francesca Gavin, 30, arts writer and curator

When I came out of the cosy quietness of my last long-term relationship, I became aware my party days were running out. There was only a limited time to play and do stupid things without looking like that ageing thirtysomething slurring at the bar. You’re only young once. And I was in no rush to find a new relationship.

I’m naturally sociable, and, while I was aware of the underlying superficiality of party life, I had no problem making the most of it. I’m very adaptable. I’m also freelance, and had no reason to force myself up in the mornings. And the invitations poured in. I dived head first into the art world, with its flow of openings, dinners and biennials. I spent days sunbathing by Shoreditch House’s pool, drinking passion-fruit chilli martinis. I went to dirty clubs in east London so often that a Hoxton cab company started giving me a discount. I wrote a book about creative people’s homes around the globe and spent a year exploring Tokyo, New York, Paris and Berlin, making friends and work contacts, having decadent nights at hotels and dive bars, kissing creative boys who looked cute, but were emotionally underdeveloped and on the young side. In short, the past couple of years have been a never-ending trip of hedonistic fun. Not surprisingly, I’ve remained single, bar a few flings. It is rather hard to forge a relationship when you are in and out of the country. I meet tons of men, but they’re the ones preoccupied with going out — who just want a good-time girl. And my life can sound ridiculous to a bloke doing the nine to five. When it includes drowning in prosecco at the Bauer Hotel, in Venice, before stopping in Paris, then heading to Basel, how do you respond to “What have you been up to?” without sounding like a show-off?

I’m beginning to rein things in, though. At heart, I’m rather old-fashioned, and would be happy to settle down. I’m tired of finding myself in inappropriate romantic situations. And I am bored with the hangovers and the worry of what all this fabulousness is doing to my health. But the grass is always greener. I heard a story about a 70-year-old Parisian lady in the Marais, going to bars in her furs and being escorted home by twentysomething men. It didn’t sound that bad a future.

Happily ever after

2009-09-28T18:21:00.000-07:00

When I was 14 my friend's mom said she could predict when I'd get married. Plucking a piece of hair straight from my scalp and tying it to her gold wedding band, I watched with baited breath as she dangled the makeshift pendulum over a glass of water. The number of times the ring tapped the side of the glass indicated how old I'd be when I wed.

Twenty-nine taps. I turned 30 last year. I'm still single.

I know I'm not alone. There are plenty of other 30-something singles out there. What does concern me is how the pressure to pair up and procreate is more intense than ever. No, it’s not my mother nagging me for grandchildren or my friends wondering what’s wrong with me. It’s something else – something bigger than us all.

Every time I turn on the TV it seems like I’m exposed to yet another reality show following the life of a very famous (or a very short … or a very tall … or a very overweight) couple. Either that or it’s some impossibly large family (thank you fertility drugs) with parents who clearly couldn’t feed or clothe their brood without the financial support of TLC. The rare program that does portray a single always seems to do so with the same goal in mind: to get him or her engaged and married as quickly and efficiently as possible, as if being alone isn’t exciting enough fodder for a half-hour show – or, for that matter, happy enough an ending.

And what about the swarm of self-help literature out there with such promising titles as “How To Find & Marry Your Soulmate” and “The Roadmap to True, Lasting Love?” Those, along with celebrity gossip mags that have made engagement rings and baby bumps headline news and the vast virtual sea of Internet dating sites have got me completely convinced: couples still dominate the cultural landscape.

It really strikes me as strange; at a time when the social pressures to marry are more relaxed than they have been in the past (think “Leave It To Beaver” and earlier, when women pretty much had no other option but to snag a husband), why is there seemingly more importance placed on pairing off than ever before?

Like it or not, modern-day singles must endure a constant over-glamourization of coupling. It’s almost as if pairing up is seen as magical: once you find this person, your life will be transformed. And though a myriad of studies prove a rising number of singles out there, there’s still a stigma attached to going solo. Single people are seen as sadder, lonelier and less mature than their coupled counterparts (there must be something wrong with them).

I know everyone will have their own opinion, but to me it really doesn’t seem like society has even remotely started to accept singles. Almost the reverse seems to be happening: a return to big marriages, big weddings, big gowns and big diamond rings.

Not only that, the idea that single is a great way to live is not what I see being true. Think about the most famous single foursome of all time. As long as Carrie, Miranda, Charlotte and Samantha were without men they were in constant search for that missing piece. Indeed, there was something about the way their lives – and their failure when it came to relationships – were portrayed that … well, to put it bluntly, necessitated the making of a feature film that would tie up all those pesky loose (i.e., single) ends.

But not all hope is lost. There are some great role models for singles to look up to. In Robert Munsch’s children’s book “The Paper Bag Princess,” Princess Elizabeth rescues Prince Ronald, her betrothed, from a dragon. In the process, however, the dragon’s fiery breath burns Elizabeth’s fancy gown, forcing her to don a brown paper bag. When she appears to Ronald he belittles her bedraggled appearance.

Elizabeth’s response to Ronald? “Your clothes are really pretty and your hair is neat. You're like a real prince, but you are a bum.”

The two don't marry after all.

Decisions. Not for the faint of heart.

2009-09-27T21:44:00.000-07:00

Decisions, decisions. Why is it so hard? Once upon a time it was so simple. Our greatest decisions involved what classes to take, what to do on a Friday night (or Saturday, or Wednesday for that matter), what guy to bring to the party and what part-time job to pursue. For the most part, on the micro scale, our decisions did not directly affect our future. Now, I understand that our choice to go to University, select our major and drive towards our future career paths required some decisions, but for the most part, everything fell into place.

Somehow throughout my twenties, my ability to make decisions has wavered and I constantly find myself at a loss for what to do. Sometimes this takes the form of walking aimlessly around the grocery store trying to pick something for dinner -- comfort food that is uninspired but reliable or the exotic that is intriguing but untrodden. Sometimes my indecisiveness directly affects my ability to make real and important life decisions. Such is the case right now.

I currently find myself at a crossroads -- like many we have discussed previously in this blog -- and I need to decide my path. On the left is the life I have always known which has brought me "some" stability, lots of heartache, but a general sense of comfort. On the right is a life of adventure with many twists and turns, uncertainty, but with the hope of such greatness at the end. While the choice may seem obvious, it is hard to walk away from everything you have known for the unknown that awaits. My mind is filled with so many doubts and so many "what if" scenarios that Old Reliable seems like a welcomed friend.

Maybe it is my biological clock that is ticking. Maybe I am realizing that my decisions cannot be as footloose and fancy free as they were ten years ago as I do not have as much time to make mistakes as I once did. Time is such a relative element. For men, they do not have this looming deadline that happens at some unknown time around the age of forty. Their actions today do not have as much of a direct impact on their eventual ability to conceive a child. In the end, that's what this is all about.

But then I saw a good, dear friend last night whom, due to her living abroad, I had not seen for several years. We spoke about her adventures pursued alongside her husband and their eventual decision to move home to have their baby. They have both agreed that theirs is a life that will continue to be filled with exciting possibilities and future expat pursuits. We discussed how we only have one chance to make our life amazing and to embrace every presented challenge and adventure. When I have doubts, I will just remember these words of wisdom from a wise friend. While the unknown may be scary, the rewards are immeasurable.

TGIF? Not for some singles ...

2009-09-25T12:18:00.000-07:00

It’s the end of another work week and, while everyone else is practically giddy with anticipation of the looming weekend, you’re slowly suffocating in a sea of dread. If you look forward to Fridays with about the same enthusiasm you reserve for dental appointments and unclogging a shower drain, don’t despair – there are plenty of singles out there who feel the same.

For many of us solo souls, Sleep-in Saturdays and Lazy Sundays kind of lose their appeal in the wake of two long days alone without the distraction of work. When you only have yourself to think of end-of-week errands seem to get done in record-breaking times. While this is greatif your main concern is efficiency, it’s actually a real drag when you’re trying to FILL rather than FREE UP 48 hours of dead time.

When couples find themselves temporarily apart on weekends they seem to really savour their “alone time.” Not so when “alone” is your constant state. While a girl who, upon finding herself at home alone while her boyfriend visits his parents, revels in the time she can spend catching up on her reading, controlling the remote and eating crackers in bed, the single girl – without an expiration date set on her alone time – views the same pastimes with considerable less luster.

There she is. Alone. With. Nothing. To. Do.

Doing nothing is fantastic – wonderful – when you have someone to do it with. No plans for Friday night? No problem! We’ll just grab a pizza and watch some bad TV (the networks know everyone worth entertaining is too busy to tune in on Friday night). As anyone who’s passed the two-year mark with a partner knows, weekends aren’t a whirlwind of exciting dates, romantic picnics and art exhibits anymore. They’re about changing light bulbs, cleaning out the lint trap in the dryer and picking up dog food. And that’s a good relationship.

But there’s a bright side. Looking at staying home alone – again – tonight? If the thought fills you with dread and anxiety, change your attitude. Make a conscious date with Stacey and Clinton (watching TLC’s What Not to Wear will ensure that, when you do have exciting plans, you’ll know how to dress yourself for the occasion), grab the ingredients for your fave meal (you know, that weird tofu-vegetarian thing your ex used to fake-vomit at) and a decent bottle of red (you don’t have to share it with anyone but yourself).

Now break it down. Does doing nothing as a “we” really outrank doing nothing as a “me?” Considering no one’s going to be changing the channel to catch the game, making retching sounds while you eat and passing out early on the couch before you can even get to bed – it hardly seems so.

Sorry to burst your bubble: it's National Singles Week

2009-09-24T10:46:00.000-07:00

National Singles Week happens annually; this year, the dates to "celebrate" are September 20-26, 2009. A little background for you: NSW was started by the Buckeye Singles Council in Ohio in the 1980s. When that organization disbanded, a woman named Janet Jacobsen of Scottsdale, Arizona, who, at the time, was co-ordinator of the National Singles Press Association.

I'm not really sure how I feel about this "endorsement." Sometimes I think the more you call out a particular group of people that share a particular (sometimes perceived as "odd") trait, the more you end up differentiating them. And trust me, the jump from "different" to "not normal" isn't that long a leap.

Better that being single, at any age or life stage, is as normal and accepted as marriage - so much so that it doesn't need validation by having its own special holiday.

The ultimate goal

2009-09-19T21:00:00.000-07:00

There are plenty of reasons to feel good about being single – even if you feel slightly off-kilter in the love or life department. We’ve used this blog as a medium to relate some of those things to you: the independence, the possibilities, the freedom – the shopping! Ultimately, however, there is only one all-encompassing source of empowerment from which every single – and every half of a couple, for that matter – can draw from: love of self.

The most obvious cliché that comes to mind (a maxim almost all being-single-related conversations are saturated with) is: “You must love yourself before you can love or be loved by someone else.” Whether these are words you live by or a piece of advice you’re really, really sick of hearing, it’s the truth.

But there’s a catch. The goal behind true self-love is not to bring a relationship you’re your life. Love – of any kind – isn’t a 12-step program. You don’t strive for one milestone simply to be able to move on to the next. True self-love is, in fact, the ultimate goal – there is nothing more beyond it. Even if you start striving for it for all the wrong reasons, once you’ve truly achieved it you’ll see there’s nothing else you need (or will want) to attain. It’s pretty much the end of the line – and that’s a good thing.

Having said that, it may be time for us singles (and everyone, for that matter) to stop focusing on finding someone and start focusing on finding ourselves. What makes this idea hard to blog about is, as is often the case, words don’t do it justice. It’s the kind of thing only personal realization can articulate. But if you’re struggling, and feel like you’ve tried everything to find love, maybe you can just trust the idea and give loving yourself a go. If you succeed you’ll know: there’s nothing better out there and nothing more you need.

So all that attention and energy you’ve been exerting to find a partner? Shift it back toward yourself. There are lots of things you can do to learn more about self-love, which is something that can take work to achieve, especially if it’s never come naturally to you. There are loads of books about it, not to mention the Internet. More than likely there’s a class offered somewhere in your community – sign up and let someone else lead you down the path. Self-love is the REAL goal – no matter WHAT society says about love and marriage.

And a final point: it’s not about giving up on the hope of having a relationship with another person or succumbing to the idea you’ll always be alone. No. 1: When you really, really love yourself you’ll be supremely happy, and you’ll feel fulfilled no matter what your life looks like. No. 2: Loving yourself is, hands down, the best way to give others love. And that’s what they really mean when they say, “You gotta love yourself first.”

NB: We did a quick Google search for "self-love" and got the following hits:

Your trump card: self-love (Psychology Today)
The circle of love: do you love yourself? (Not Alone)

Love-aholic

2009-09-18T21:18:00.000-07:00

Intimate relationships can improve your life – or make it miserable. Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen’s blog post names seven signs of addictive relationships (which generally make life miserable).

These signs of addictive relationships will help you recognize an unhealthy marriage or partnership – because they can be hard to see, especially when you're in the middle of it. Some psychologists believe that if you grew up in a dysfunctional home, your chances of being in a dysfunctional or addictive relationship are higher. You feel like you're not worthy of being loved so you settle for a partner who treats you badly. This could be obvious abuse or the less obvious addictive relationship.

What is an Addictive Relationship?
According to Terence Gorski in Why Do I Keep Doing That? an addictive relationship involves one person who is self-centered and extremely independent. This partner (let's call him Selfish Sam – but it could just as easily be Selfish Sally) believes he's entitled to whatever he wants whenever he wants it. He surrounds himself with people who support his opinions of himself. The other partner (we'll call her Dependant Debbie but it could be Dependent Darren) is dependent and other-centered, and willing to mirror whatever the first partner wants. She's simply a reflection of him. This is how addictive relationships work.

About addictive relationships Gorski says, "It works until the other-centered person runs out of steam one night and doesn't have enough energy to mirror back what is needed. The relationship is going to blow up. Addictive relationships do not necessarily have to have self-centered and other-centred partners, but it's the norm."

Seven signs of addictive relationships
1. Dishonesty. Neither Sam nor Debbie talks about who they are or what's really bothering them. They lie about what they want. This turns communication into an addictive relationship.
2. Unrealistic expectations. Both Sam and Debbie think the other will solve their self-esteem, body image, family, and existential problems. They believe the "right relationship" will make everything better. Yet, they're in a disastrous addictive relationship.
3. Instant gratification. Sam expects Debbie to be there for him whenever he needs her; he needs her to make him happy immediately. He's using her to make him feel good, and isn't relating to her as a partner or even a human being. She's a like drug. An addictive relationship drug.
4. Compulsive control. Debbie has to act a certain way, or Sam will threaten to leave her. Both feel pressure to stay in this addictive relationship; neither feel like they're together voluntarily.
5. Lack of trust. Neither partner trusts the other to be there when the chips are down. They don't believe the other really loves them, and they don't believe genuine caring or liking exists. At some level they know they're not in a healthy but rather in an addictive relationship.
6. Social isolation. Nobody else is invited into their relationship – not friends, family, or work acquaintances. People in addictive relationships want to be left alone.
7. Cycle of pain. Sam and Debbie are trapped in a cycle of pleasure, pain, disillusionment, blaming, and reconnection. The cycle repeats itself until one partner breaks free of the addictive relationship.

Addictive relationships can change, if both partners are self-aware and willing to do what it takes. In some cases an objective viewpoint (such as counseling) helps; other times, self-control and mutual accountability are all that's needed to turn the addictive relationship around.

Read the rest: Suite 101.

1,003 great things about being single

2009-09-13T09:33:00.000-07:00

No, I am not going to subject you to 1,003 great things, but I thought I would discuss three that made for a fabulous September Saturday. The title of the post, however, comes from a book that I saw entitled "1,003 Great Things About Being a Mom." I thought it was rather fitting that I stumbled across this book; as co-writer of SiS it made for a great topic to blog about.

There was no accompanying book about being single. Maybe that will be a future project for us, but it was once again an example of what we have been talking about. The beauty of my find was that I was headed to the cashier with a gorgeous pair of chocolate suede Michael Kors boots. I would therefore like to proclaim this activity the No. 1 thing about being single. The average mother embodied in the book would likely not have the same frivolous purchase in her hands. Selfish or justified, it is a perk of being single!

The second perk happened later in the afternoon. After a wonderful day of shopping in the sunshine, I grabbed my Italian language text book (yes, I am learning Italian), purchased a gelato and headed to the park to practice. It was such a great way to spend the early evening as the sun was setting. The likelihood of this experience as a mother with young children is very slim - both in terms of having the time for oneself and the time to learn a new language. As a single, I enjoyed every minute.

The final perk occurred as we celebrated our friend's 29th birthday. Aside from the fact that we were able to get together, have a couple of drinks at the apartment and then head out on the town, we were able to do so with no strings attached and no one to answer to. Later that evening, I found myself talking to another girl - but a mere 21 years of age - who asked me how we all knew each other. I responded that we were in the same sorority together and she was astonished that we were all friends so many years later. She said she could only hope to have such wonderful friendships in her life.

I am happy being single right now. One day I hope to have children and a husband and all of the wonders that motherhood brings but right now I don't have to feel bad about my single status. That's what this is all about. It isn't about creating divisions between the singles and the marrieds, but reaching out to other singles to say that there isn't anything wrong with you for being single. Soak up every minute of its glory because one day your life might be very different.

What becomes of a broken heart?

2009-09-12T14:56:00.000-07:00

I spoke to my ex today for the first time in a long time. We are trying to co-ordinate the shipment of what used to be our cat. When he left the relationship (and our home) he took Eddie. Now that he's getting busy with work he doesn't have the time to take care of him properly. So he's shipping him to me in Vancouver from Toronto. I'll pick Eddie up from the airport tomorrow.

But that's not really the point. During our conversation he asked me if I was still with a boyfriend he'd known about. I answered honestly - no, we'd recently broken up. I didn't want to ask him the same question: are you still with someone? But it was all I could think about as he told me he is coming to Vancouver for work and would like to see me, have dinner or something. I know in my heart the only way I can see him when he arrives in a few months' time is if he's single and unattached, and if I am, too.

Why? I'm not exactly sure. This was the guy who broke my heart. There is no happy ending to my story with him. It was an extremely hard break for me - in fact, it resulted in me packing up six years' worth of life in Toronto and moving back home, unable to cope without the support of my old friends and family.

It's OK, people said. It wasn't meant to be with him. You'll find someone else, someone better for you. So far no luck. I haven't felt the same deep love for another person since. Sometimes I wonder if I ever will. Was he my only chance at true love or is it just a matter of time before I find something even better? I'm not sure; I can only wait and see.

But talking to him makes all those old emotions well up again. I wonder if that's a good thing or not. Four years or so after the fact and I'm still not completely over it? Is that right? Is it normal? Will I ever be free of this burden? Is it up to me to let go, to make the choice not to feel anything more about the situation? Is it really a matter of time? Or does your first unrequited love stay with you forever, haunting you with memories of what could have been?

Finally, I built up the nerve to ask. "I'm nervous about asking you this," I said slowly into the phone. "But, are YOU single now?"

There was a pause at the end of the line. A good two to three seconds, which felt like an eternity.

"No, I'm not."

And really, my heart sank. Not quite to the extent that it exploded into a million tiny pieces that night nearly four years ago when I stood at our apartment window, watching him drive to sleep elsewhere for the first night during our long relationship, but it did sink. It's still hurting now, as I sit here blogging about it in an attempt to sort out my feelings and hopefully make myself feel better. He still affects me - or, the breakup does.

I won't be in contact with him again - today we spoke for the first time in over a year, and for a specific reason, which I can't imagine happening again anytime soon - but by writing it here and having all of you read it, hopefully the universe will send him the message that I don't want to see him when he comes here for his work. I don't want to get a call and feel flustered and unsure. I don't want him to see me without his partner knowing. I don't want him to know about my private life and relationships, whether I'm single or not, or feel happy or sorry for me either way. I don't want to ask him again, "So, are you single now?" I'm afraid the answer will hurt too much.

Maclean's: The case against having kids (excerpts)

2009-09-10T20:55:00.000-07:00

Elaine Lui was 29 years old and had been married for a year when she and her husband decided they didn't want children. Front-line exposure to a relative's three young children and the work they required provided a wake-up call. "That killed it for us."

As baby refusniks the couple belongs to a tiny but growing minority challenging the final frontier of reproductive freedom: the right to say no to children without being labelled social misfits or selfish for something they don't want.

Still, in a pro-natalist culture that celebrates the "yummy mummy," and obsessively monitors baby bumps and the mini Jolie-Pitt entourage in magazines, saying "I don't want kids" is akin to "There's a bomb on the plane."

Speaking up on the subject can elicit a smackdown. Last February, the 37-year-old journalist Polly Vernon wrote a defiant column in the Guardian enumerating the reasons she didn't want children: "I'm appalled by the idea. Both instinctually ('Euuuw! You think I should do what to my body?') and intellectually ("And also to my career, my finances, my lifestyle and my independence?)." The response was terrifying. "E-mails and letters arrived, condemning me, expressing disgust. I was denounced as bitter, selfish, un-sisterly, unnatural, evil."

Lui, who writes the popular celebrity blog LaineyGossip.com, says, "Motherhood is the ultimate whitewash. Steal somebody's husband, or be a drug addict, then become a mother and you're redeemed."

In a culture in which Jennifer Aniston's childlessness provides weekly tabloid lamentations, a female star who goes public with the decision to remain so demonstrates courage. In a recent interview in U.K. Cosmopolitan, 36-year-old Cameron Diaz, who is childless, expressed a disinclination to have children, citing environmental reasons: "We don't need any more kids. We have plenty of people on this planet. I think women are afraid to say they don't want children because they're going to get shunned."

"Children were not a way of ensuring happiness or endowing my days with meaning," the poet Lorna Crozier writes. "That hard task was mine alone."

But no book on the subject has been more provocative or summoned more furor than Corinne Maier's No Kids: 40 Good Reasons Not to Have Children, in which she deploys an acerbic wit to dismantle the idealized depiction of parenthood perpetuated by the state. "To be childless is considered a defect; irrevocable judged, those who don't want children are also the objects of pity."

But Maier believes "conscientious objectors to this fertility mythology" should be rewarded, not stigmatized. "To have a kid in a rich country is not the act of a citizen. The state should be helping those who decide not to have children: less unemployment, less congestion, fewer wars."

Much of what Maier has to say won't be breaking news to most parents: children kill desire in a marriage and can be demanding money pits. Without them, you can keep up with your friends [SiS: so why are WE so often considered the ones who are lagging behind our parent friends?] and enjoy your independence.

Research backs Maier's assertions, finding that childless marriages are far happier and people derive more satisfaction from eating, exercising, shopping, napping or watching TV than taking care of their kids. "Indeed, looking after the kids appears to be only slightly more pleasant than doing housework."

Yet a 2007 Pew Research Center survey found people insisted that their relationships with their children are of the greatest importance to their happiness. Author Daniel Gilbert (Stumbling Upon Happiness) believes the reason people say this is because they're expected to.

In No Kids, Maier lampoons the modern family ("an inward-looking prison focused on the child") and the prevailing mindset that celebrates reproducing one's DNA as "the ultimate objective of human experience." Over-attentive focus on children saps cultural creativity, she argues: "Children are often used as an excuse for giving up on life without really trying. It takes real courage to say, 'Me first.'"

Parents, not non-parents, are the selfish ones, she avers: "Every baby born in a developed country is an ecological disaster for the whole planet."

And that in turn has created a backlash among the childless that is less focused on children than on modern parenting itself., what Lui refers to as the "mommy cult" and Vernon calls the "pampering cult of Bugaboo-wielding, Mumsnet-bothering dullness." Like Maier, Vernon doesn't like what parenting does to grownups: "Spare me the one-track conversations. Spare me the self-righteousness, the sense of entitlement, spare me the pretensions of martyrdom and selflessness." There's NOTHING selfless about having a baby, she argues, pulling out The Planet card: "You really want to be selfless? Adopt."

In fact, the precise goal of the most extreme childlessness advocates out there, the Voluntary Human Extinction Movement, is this: "The hopeful alternative to the extinction of millions of species of plants and animals is the voluntary extinction of one species: Homo Sapiens. Us."

Some research explores the common concern that the childless will be lonely or bereft in old age: they're no less lacking in support than those with children. "There's no guarantee that having children will make you happy or not having them will make you sad."

In fact, what any happiness appears to stem from is not children or their absence but rather the ability to make the choice. Why then, Lui points out, "did we fight so hard to make this choice, only to have it not respected when we do?"

The laws of attraction

2009-09-06T17:21:00.000-07:00

Once upon a time the law of attraction was a simple one. Women were attracted to the hunter who could kill the largest beast, the strongest Alpha male who, in turn, would bring home the most food to support the family. Genetics and "status," therefore, went hand-in-hand.

Throughout the years the law of attraction has wavered. Physical appearance and hunting ability (read: finances) are no longer synonymous. While women are naturally attracted to the the man who will provide good offspring they are equally attracted to the one who can support the family. This has been documented through various research projects and explains to some extent why women appear to be attracted to money. There is a genetic connection.

What will happen, however, now that women have shed the domestic life and ventured into the boardroom? If they're able to catch their own beast will they still need a man to provide it for them or will their genetic makeup and preferences change?

This was a topic for discussion over wine and appies on Friday's girls' night. We all agreed we'd been raised with the expectation that the male would be the breadwinner. Society (and, possibly, our parents) instilled in us we could do whatever we wanted as women - so long as the man brought home a larger paycheque. Mothers shared with their daughters that a man would be uncomfortable if a woman made more money than him and that, for a harmonious marriage, women must still be somewhat subservient to their husbands. Despite this advice, many of us continue to pursue educational and professional goals; the thrill of promotions and progress are contagious.

But as we climb the corporate ladder the pool of available suitors is becoming more shallow. As we become managers, directors and VPs, the pyramidal executive ranking hinders our chances of finding the one.

What is the single professional woman to do? Does she cast off the teachings of society that the man needs to be superior? Stories of women heading to the boardroom and men staying home with the children have become urban folklore of recent times. Interestingly enough, for some of the executive females in my own company it made financial sense for the man to stay home while they continued working. I wonder if these women purposely sought out men who would be content with living the domestic life? Were they conscious of their actions in finding a partner who could be the caregiver or was it purely a financial decision once her prospects began to improve?

It is a topic I must give increasing thought to. Always pursuing the (future) executive, will this man be happy with my equal - or possibly greater - vocational status? How do his genetics come into play? Like his ancestors, is he looking strictly for the woman to provide offspring or has his makeup changed now that women are gaining ground? While DNA can take centuries to adapt, my timeline is much shorter. Any suggestions for genetic modification are welcome!

Female ambition: You are your own glass ceiling

2009-09-05T18:24:00.000-07:00

So, while not specific to relationships in society, I felt that the below article from Newsweek is really important to professional women. We are our own glass ceiling! Read on!

-KP

I did a media-training session with a couple of colleagues a few weeks back, to hone our on-camera skills. There were seven of us—four men, three women—and each of us was interviewed, then critiqued, on a giant flat-screen television overhead. I spoke about a story I'd spent months working on, and gave what I thought was a confident interview. So did my other female colleagues.

But when we watched ourselves on the big screen, our apprehension became embarrassingly clear—especially in comparison to our male counterparts. The trainer described me as "sing-songy," my voice inflecting up, time and again, turning my statements into questions. We used self-defeating words like "sort of," and started our sentences with "I'm not sure, but"—doubting our opinions before we even expressed them. The irony, of course, is that we're accomplished journalists; we knew these topics well. So why did we sound so unsure of ourselves?

It was mortifying to watch myself apologize to the camera, but the consequence of that insecurity isn't just bad media. According to a new book about female self-esteem, being cautious and apologetic impacts just about every standard measure of success in the workplace: money, accomplishment, recognition. In The Curse of the Good Girl, author Rachel Simmons argues that women pressure themselves to fit the mold of modest, selfless, rule-following "good girl" for fear of being labeled a "bitch." But it's those bitchlike qualities that help us get ahead—which means we're left with imbalanced salaries, lower titles, and shorter professional trajectories. "In many ways the zeitgeist is that girls are excelling and boys are having trouble," says Simmons. "But it all depends on what you're measuring."

Read the rest

Thirty isn't the new 20 - it's a a million times better

2009-09-05T13:15:00.000-07:00

Whether I thought I’d still be single at 30 isn't the point - I am, and I don’t regret it. I’ve had opportunities and experiences being single thus far in life that I wouldn’t trade for all the "I dos" in the world.

Many people I interact with in life have no idea what it’s like to be single and 30, so I just thought I’d share a few notes.

Being single at 30 is entirely different than being single in your 20s - that's early, mid and late 20s. If you haven’t experienced single at 30 for yourself, just know it’s not the same as the experience you had when you were in college and dating - or even 27 and dating. So many people don't seem to realize this simple fact, so keep it in mind.

How is it different? In some ways it’s better and in other ways it’s harder.

It’s better because I’ve grown and matured and am much more capable of processing things and dealing with issues than I used to be, and for that I am very thankful. When I was younger I didn’t trust God (it's just a word people - I'm talking about a higher power, which could very well exist inside yourself) as well and I wasn’t as grounded, so when something went bust it shook me up more than it does now.

I’m so thankful God uses experiences to help us grow and teach us, otherwise we’d never make it. The emotional rollercoaster that a relationship or even desire for a relationship can be has become much more tame, more like the teacups than, say, the scream-a-nator. I’m getting sick just thinking about it. So anyway, I’ll take a spin on the teacups any day! (The line's shorter, anyhow.)

It’s harder for a few reasons: the pool of available/datable guys is shrinking and so is the pool of close friends who are still single. Many (most) of my friends have moved on even from the newly-married stage to the baby-making stage. By no means am I saying they aren't still great friends, but there is something to be said for knowing others that are in the same life stage as you. And trust me, it's almost as hard to find new single friends to hang with as it is single men to date.

And then there's the old biological clock. Admittedly, this doesn't bother me nearly as much as some of the other single gals I know who are also in their 30s, but for them it’s like a constant nagging reminder that the older you get the more risky (generally) pregnancy will be, that you really want to be married for a couple of years before having kids and that maybe you’d better start doing something you’re not already doing so you can have that family you’ve always wanted before it’s too late.

(Side note: It bothers me when my single friends talk about feeling this way. In my opinion, it’s simply a matter of fate. They’re single right now because they’re meant to be (i.e. there is a good reason for it, though it may not be apparent currently) and, if they’re meant to have children, they will. Hence my dislike of the many fertility drugs and methods available to us these days. If you’re not meant to have kids – at any age – you’re not meant to have kids. It’s Mother Nature’s form of population control.)

So those are some of the ways that being single is different at 30. Please feel free to comment on what you might relate to or agree with, and what you might not.

The way we live now: 10-14-01; in my tribe

2009-09-03T23:14:00.000-07:00

You may be like me: between the ages of 25 and 39, single, a college-educated city dweller. If so, you may have also had the unpleasant experience of discovering that you have been identified (by the U.S. Census Bureau, no less) as one of the fastest-growing groups in America -- the ''never marrieds.'' In less than 30 years, the number of never-marrieds has more than doubled, apparently pushing back the median age of marriage to the oldest it has been in our country's history -- about 25 years for women and 27 for men.

As if the connotation of ''never married'' weren't negative enough, the vilification of our group has been swift and shrill. These statistics prove a ''titanic loss of family values,'' according to The Washington Times. An article in Time magazine asked whether ''picky'' women were ''denying themselves and society the benefits of marriage'' and in the process kicking off ''an outbreak of 'Sex and the City' promiscuity.'' In a study on marriage conducted at Rutgers University, researchers say the ''social glue'' of the family is at stake, adding ominously that ''crime rates . . . are highly correlated with a large percentage of unmarried young males.''

Although I never planned it, I can tell you how I became a never-married. Thirteen years ago, I moved to San Francisco for what I assumed was a brief transition period between college and marriage. The problem was, I wasn't just looking for an appropriate spouse. To use the language of the Rutgers researchers, I was ''soul-mate searching.'' Like 94 percent of never-marrieds from 20 to 29, I, too, agree with the statement ''When you marry, you want your spouse to be your soul mate first and foremost.'' This über-romantic view is something new. In a 1965 survey, fully three out of four college women said they'd marry a man they didn't love if he fit their criteria in every other way. I discovered along with my friends that finding that soul mate wasn't easy. Girlfriends came and went, as did jobs and apartments. The constant in my life -- by default, not by plan -- became a loose group of friends. After a few years, that group's membership and routines began to solidify. We met weekly for dinner at a neighborhood restaurant. We traveled together, moved one another's furniture, painted one another's apartments, cheered one another on at sporting events and open-mike nights. One day I discovered that the transition period I thought I was living wasn't a transition period at all. Something real and important had grown there. I belonged to an urban tribe.

Read the rest: The New York Times

Top 10 single gal travel tips

2009-09-03T20:09:00.000-07:00

“One’s destination is never a place, but a new way of seeing things.” - Henry Miller

It took nearly thirty years, but I developed the passion, the desire, the adiction to travel. For so long I felt that I needed to make my journey one that was shared with a special someone and in so doing, I denied myself the wonders of seeing the world. By circumstance, I found myself with the opportunity to travel solo last December. When suggested to me, I thought it was preposterous. Why would I want to see the world's most romantic destinations -- Italy, Barcelona, Paris -- by myself? The thought of all the kissing in the streets of Montmartre and the hills of Tuscany was nauseating. Still, a wave of reason (or maybe bravery or insanity for that matter) swept over me and I knew it was something I had to do.

So, I did the unthinkable. With my single ticket in hand, I boarded the plane, I disembarked in Rome and I started the voyage that would change everything. What surprised me is that no one questioned why I was there by myself. As someone who couldn't even go to a movie theatre alone, here I was, half way around the world and feeling comfortable in my own skin. It was the most liberating experience. I allowed myself to open up to strangers, to try things that I never would at home and to just learn more about what it meant to be me. I learned more about myself in those three weeks than I had in a lifetime. There is something about travel that tears down the walls us North Americans have built and allows us to see the world's basic foundations.

For the single woman who is considering this option, I wanted to provide the following tips:

1. Stay in hostels. Through my professional life, I had had grown accustomed to five star accommodation and had preconceived notions that "hostel" was a euphemism for "dorm". Go to www.hostelworld.com and read all of the comments. Find a balance between social environment, price, fun and location, and go in with an open mind. Hostels can be for all ages and allows the single traveler the opportunity to make friends and touring partners.

2. Buy a bottle, make a friend. In addition to the above, a hostel allows the opportunity to make friends while preparing dinner or just hanging out in the evening. Buying a cheap bottle of wine and being prepared to share will grow your friendship circle exponentially.

3. Keep an open mind. Hostels come in all shapes and sizes. Some are like big college dorms, others are like homey apartments that have been transformed into rooms with multiple beds. When visiting a new location, remain positive and be prepared for anything. You will never be disappointed but you may be pleasantly surprised!

4. Try to speak the language. If you are single and female, it is quite likely that you will have a lot of men making an effort to speak to you. They will likely start a conversation in English, but try your hardest to respond in their language. Even if you make mistakes they will be impressed with your attempts and will be that much more willing to help you out.

5. Stay close to the town centre. As a single traveler, you are bound to want to explore the streets and - hopefully - enjoy the nightlife. Plan to arrive in a new city by daylight and find accommodation in the city centre. It may be tempting to stay close to a train station, but these areas are sometimes less desirable and are often a fair distance from the city's main attractions. Having a central starting point for each day's adventures will also help you thoroughly cover the city and allow for quick trips should you have forgotten to visit a monument or two.

6. Pack a dress and heels! A necessity for the single gal at home, don't get caught up in the idea that you will just be visiting monuments and rolling into bed at night. A cute cotton dress and heels does not take up much room in a backpack or suitcase but will make all the difference. If you are visiting multiple locations, no one needs to know that you have already worn the dress several times. Dressing up increases your chances to have a glass of wine purchased for you and also makes for great vacay pictures!

7. Pack light and be ready to shop. Like a single woman really needs to be told to go shopping, but use this opportunity to buy great clothes for cheaper than you would at home (Canada in particular).

8. Be open to any experience. Even if your intention is to soak up as much culture as possible, don't prevent yourself from being open to wonderfully eye opening and life changing experiences. You never know what a chance encounter might become.

9. Read more. The above tips are light and fun, but for information on how to remain safe while traveling view this article. Your safety is your #1 priority and concern.

10. Live and enjoy. This is your time to learn about yourself and shine. Live your life with no regrets and make a million memories.

Happy birthday dear single

2009-09-03T18:47:00.000-07:00

Next week I turn 29 and it got me thinking a little about my life and where I am. I thought that at this age I would be married with two kids, a dog, a house in the suburbs and have one of those annoying mother-in-laws. However, I am still single with no kids, don’t own a home, still in school and occasionally go to my parent’s house for a decent meal and to do my laundry. Pathetic? Probably but when I really think about it, I would much rather be alone than stuck in some loveless relationship or sleep deprived from having to wake up in the middle of the night to take care of a screaming child.

In fact, there was a point in time when that could have been my life but I made the conscious decision to walk away from that four year relationship because I wasn’t ready for marriage and he was. Ironically, he got himself a new girlfriend in three months and married her two years later. So instead I went on many, many dates. For example, there was the muscular soccer player who was emotionally distant, the talented artist who only called me late at night, the gorgeous Italian who made a sex face like a horse having an asthma attack and the hot white rapper who would rather smoke pot than hang out with me. My most memorable experience, though, had to be the guy who brought out a whip and Viagra on our first (and last) night together.

And so at 29, I am still dating and although it feels like I am going around in circles dating the same types of men over and over again; I have learned what qualities I don't like, what a douche is and what I will not give up when it comes to my self respect and values. I think that being single and almost 30 is not so bad, after all I have another year to celebrate my birthday with my gorgeous single friends. I will definitely drink to that.

Sonya

Sonya is a guest blogger with Single in Society. Single and living in downtown Vancouver, Sonya is a finance professional and sassy socialite.

A single act of bravery

2009-09-02T14:18:00.000-07:00

There’s something I’ve been putting off doing … for about three years now. Ever since Facebook became a quasi-necessity I’ve chosen (quite consciously) to leave my Relationship Status blank. Conspicuously so. I’ve finally realized this decision has never been about my indifference to what 750 or so fellow facebook-ers think about my singledom; nor has it been about my feelings regarding personal privacy. These would have been noble reasons to keep my status N/A.

Sadly, it’s always only been about one thing: my pride.

Is it just me or are there other people who feel the same way about choosing to set their Relationship Status to “Single” – that for some reason (again, I love to blame it on society, but I will do so only in brackets this time, as an aside of sorts) letting people on FB know you’re minus- rather than plus-one is shameful? Am I reading too much into this, or are my feelings legit?

Since this is my blog post I guess I’ll assume my thoughts are founded. Somehow, without anyone having to say anything about it, proclaiming your single status on this particular social networking site (I don't know what it's like on others; I have a feeling the teens on MySpace display their status as single with more ease and acceptance) is considered to be a source of shame. On the other hand, getting the chance to let everyone (who cares or doesn’t) know you’ve just started a new relationship or – miracle of miracles! – tied the knot is like winning the Nobel Prize: a matter of pride, an accomplishment, an amazing achievement, something that must shared with the world.

Most singles on FB, I find, choose to leave their status blank. But attend a wedding and you can be sure the next day two more statuses will have instantly changed to “Married.” When you break up with someone changing your Relationship Status is rarely the first thing you do or think of doing; get a rock from your boyfriend and you can’t fire the computer up fast enough.

Last night I decided enough was enough. I should be proud of who I am, and that includes wanting to share EVERYTHING that makes me, me. So what if I’m on my own at this point in life? I should celebrate my freedom, my independence, my hard work, my resilience as much as anyone who’s been lucky enough to meet their soul mate. In MYBOOK, it’s as lofty an accomplishment as being proposed to. Maybe even more so. After all, I did it alone - and that's something to be proud of.

NB: The thing I found most surprising about making the switch was how many comments I received after I did the deed and cryptically (or so I thought) proclaimed “Noa is being FB brave” in my main status box. Suddenly other singles came crawling out of the woodwork – and they all knew exactly what I meant by this statement (coupled, I’m sure, with the fact everyone must have read "Noa is now single" in their News Feeds. Interestingly enough, none of my coupled or married FB contacts said anything at all.

An interesting blog post about a similar topic: Deconstructing Facebook.

Amy Fabulous: My very own Choose Your Own Adventure book

2009-09-02T12:01:00.000-07:00

Your twenties are such a whimsical time of your life. Your twenties marks the decade where you will endure your many firsts –your first real job, first love, first home, first reality check…

Looking back at some recent events of my life I’ve realized that, life is like a Choose Your Own Adventure novel. You make these critical decisions that ultimately sway you on one path or another. Each path heading a different direction, with its own twists and turns, destination unknown.

In love – when I was younger, I always thought you were destined for your one and only soul mate. However, I’ve realized that you can have many loves, and you may even share love with a soul mate but not end up being with that person.
You may question, “Whatever happened to the belief that love is predetermined by fate and stars and all that other magical stuff – this theory of multiple loves is surely not romantic enough!”

Sure it is. I’m not saying to have multiple relationships at a time, I’m saying that it’s about finding a person you are truly compatible with and letting love develop with that person. “Once your love develops, he will become the only one for you…It is your heart not destiny, that turns a mere man into a unique, irreplaceable partner for all your ways” (Kearns). ...

Read the rest: Amy Fabulous.

The perils of singledom

2009-09-01T20:51:00.000-07:00

A girl is out with friends having drinks on Toronto's trendy King Street. A man approaches her and refuses to leave her alone until he gets her phone number. She relents and passes him her business card, if only to make him bug off. She stays for another round of drinks and calls it a night, not giving a second thought to the annoyingly persistent but seeminlgy harmless guy she gave her digits to.

What comes next? You'll have to listen to find out: The Reason Some Girls Stay Single.

PUT ON A HAPPY FACEbook

2009-08-23T08:35:00.000-07:00

Facebook and various social networking sites have taken the world by storm. We have the voyeuristic opportunity to see what our friends are doing all the time, anytime. We have witnessed party pics, engagements, quiz results, wedding/baby photos, status updates, career changes and lives unfold. In most cases, we are privy to the absolute best version of our friends. They use it as a portal to showcase the wonders of their lives and share what they feel will present themselves in the best light.

For women who are single, however, Facebook can reinforce the already negative feelings they have for their situation. Even women with excellent self-esteem and who enjoy their singledom may still feel the societal pressures of constant relationship, wedding and baby status updates. The summer months are particularly challenging as the warm weather breeds engagements, summer bar-be-ques with the kids and wedding celebrations. While in control of one's own actions, these pictures can be an irresistible temptation and despite knowing that they will feed our insecurities, we find ourselves clicking the mouse button.

For the single woman who decides that she won't let the constant wedding and baby pictures affect her, she is still powerless to the unending status updates. The engagement announcements can be fairly innocuous -- for the most part, she knows that it is going to happen and can still share in her friends' happiness. While feeling a pang of angst, she posts a congratulatory comment and scrolls down to the next status. Here she finds one of the countless new mom posts. "Bobby is teething and couldn't sleep at all last night" or "Kim is so excited that Bobby rolled over and giggled today". While these women are excited about the new addition to their family, they should be sensitive to the fact that sharing play-by-play updates twenty times a day is overkill. Despite annoyance on the part of the single gal, she starts to wonder if this is truly what she should be doing. Is there something wrong with her that she doesn't have a husband and child by the age of thirty? Did she fail somewhere along the way that she isn't partaking in talk of diapers, jolly jumpers and teething rings?

Absolutely not. What the new moms are not sharing are the constant baby feedings at three in the morning or the inability to get their child to stop crying for their afternoon nap. They are also not sharing the concerns they have for their careers and the looming glass ceiling they perceive now that they have children. They are not sharing the fact that they are fretting not being able to shed their baby weight and are not sharing the envy they have for their single friends who can still enjoy evenings out or adventures abroad without worrying about their young ones at home.

I guess it comes down to always wanting what we don't have. The single gal sees the rose-coloured version of motherhood and the new mom longs for her lost freedom. If we all can approach Facebook knowing that it is one dimensional and that we will only ever see our friends putting their best foot forward, we can all feel a little more comfortable in our own skin. The sooner we come to terms with that, the happier we will be.

What is love?

2009-08-21T00:06:00.000-07:00

It's taken me almost three decades to realize ... "love" is just a word, a poor attempt to define the only thing real, not just in the world, but in everything, everywhere, always. the way love's portrayed, in books, TV, movies, doesn't come close to the thing itself.

Love is in every one of us, always - it's all we are, ever were and ever will be. No language can define it.

We have this misperception that we need someone else to be in or have love. But it's already in you, and has been all along. It's yours to have if you choose, right now. It's who you are, what you were born to be and do. When you love yourself, when you finally become love, that's the moment love manifests in your life in a more tangible form, so you can actually see, touch, taste, smell, feel it.

But remember, it has always been there, in you, from the start. All we need to do, each and every one of us, is accept and become our ultimate destiny - love. When that day finally comes the world we live in, and maybe even something beyond that, will be like that place we like to call heaven.

I am girl, hear me blog

2009-08-20T23:28:00.000-07:00

Lately I've been very reflective of the appropriate sequences in life. You know, grow up, go to school, fall in love, get married and then have kids. In the past month, I've been asked several times about my "relationship status." I simply say that I'm in no rush, because I've been inspired by some pretty amazing women ...

... women who have happened to live their lives a little out of sequence. Let's just say they were blessed with little bundles sooner than anticipated. Suddenly their responsibilities and daily activities changed completely. Priorities shuffled from work and school to bills and bedtime stories. But the biggest adjustment was how their lives were put on hold until their children grew up enough to feed and bathe themselves, at least. What astounds me is how these women grow up faster than anyone should have to.

Us girls have a tendency to "panic." Panic about being in a relationship. This isn't a man-hating post or even a pro-abstinence promotion. This is just me sharing feelings about how girls sometimes take themselves for granted.

Girls, think of your strengths. How many positive things in your life have your strengths brought you? Whether it's sports, writing, acting, whatever ... at some point your unique gifts have gained personal rewards in the form of a medal, good grades or even a simple pat on the back. In our youth developing aptitude can be more rewarding than being in a relationship.

Sometimes girls forget they have strengths and look for recognition from the opposite sex in ways the media portrays as "the only way." I'm talking about dumbing it down, wearing revealing clothing, the works. Personally, I think when girls act this way they cheat themselves out of great opportunites. Like opportunities for personal growth.

A boyfriend is a wonderful and natural thing. It's also a very special and important part of life. But it's nothing to stress over. Ladies, we are busy people, we don't have time to fix the world and flatter guys at the same time. Let them flatter you. Wise and self-confident girls stand out. If they are worth your time, they will be smart to pick out such traits. Think of it this way, you've only got so much time before you've got that magical band of gold on your finger. It won't hurt to spend a few years discovering as much about yourself as you can, before you have to share the next 65 years with that very special someone - and maybe several special little ones, too.

The (not so) hard and fast rules of dating

2009-08-20T22:02:00.000-07:00

They're ubiquitous in the dating scene: I only date guys with blue eyes; no bad tattoos; no sex for the first 90 days; I only date men with beards. Rules may help daters weed out the duds, but experts say they can also shutter windows of opportunity. More...

I read this article in the Globe & Mail about a month or more ago and it struck a chord with me. In living by some dating rules, are women really missing out on something special? In the age of online dating, where women receive numerous emails daily, how does one sort through the clutter to find the prize? Do they not have to construct some boundaries or pre-requisites just to manage their time? Items such as the desire to have children and/or career aspirations are easy categories to filter. It allows women the opportunity to focus their time on men who are more likely to be a possible match. Even if that is overgeneralizing, how can a woman possibly sort through all of her messages if she does not have some sort of classification system? So, I'm putting the question out there...should women have steadfast rules of dating? What should they include (or not include)?

Poker face or big blind?

2009-08-20T21:28:00.000-07:00

I went on my first date at 16 years of age. That means I have had 14 years -- nearly half my life -- to perfect the art of dating. I would like to think that I have matured during this time. I know how to play the game and while I would rather not, I know it is a must for the beginning of a courtship. Guys know this too and unfortunately most of them have spent their dating life figuring out how to read their cards and call our bluff.

The movie -- "He's Just Not That Into You" -- actually spoke to me. I feel it was one of those rare instances that a true chick flick provided me with a higher purpose and understanding. It is absolutely true -- he is just not that into you if he doesn't call you within a couple of days; he is just not that into you if he isn't willing to forego a night with his buddies to see you and he is just not that into you if you are doing the chasing and no one is chasing you.

There are many women who are looking for a fling. They crave the chase, they love the instant gratification and yearn for the physical contact. In most cases, any semblance of there being a legitimate relationship is non-existent and their interactions are entirely based around sex. I am not condemning the act. In fact, I think at this age we are entitled and justified to do whatever we want in that department without anyone judging us.

What happens though when what was supposed to be a fling sparks some deeper feelings -- at least on the part of the female player? She grows fond of him and hopes that they have enough of a connection for further feelings to grow. She texts to say that she is thinking of him, she drops plans with her friends to be there and all the while, she is losing sight of all the wonderful qualities she has to offer.

The problem, however, is that she is the chaser and not the chasee. She is the one texting him, she was the one suggesting they get together and unfortunately, by advancing their sexual relationship so early on, she was the one who destroyed any possibility for there to be a long term relationship. It is plain and simple. He is just not that into her.

So what makes us women want to invest in a relationship if the guy has not reciprocated any of the feelings or behaviour? Is it the need to have a warm body next to us? Is it fear that there isn't another fish in the sea? Or is it trying to validate our own insecurities by convincing ourselves that he must feel the same way -- he just doesn't show his true feelings?

To women everywhere I just want to say *WAKE UP*! We have played the game, we know the players, we have mastered the rules and we are cognisant of the risks. We have even upped the ante in our thirties as we can't fein the ignorant bliss of a dating virgin. A hook up will not turn into true love, and, no matter how hard we try, we cannot make a guy like us. That being said, we are worth so much more than that. If you are looking for a fling, then go out and get one. It isn't too hard. But if you are looking for romance, for the one who will give you shivers twenty years from now and the one who will call you the very next day, we have to change our outlook and approach. The stakes are high but the jackpot is priceless. It's your choice.

So where will we be getting off together?

2009-08-19T23:34:00.000-07:00

As a single girl in society, I always have my eyes out for hot boys. One interesting place that I have found is in the elevators. I recently moved into this very cool downtown apartment and being on the 17th floor, I get to see lots of people come in and out of the elevator. The building that I live in is full of young, good looking people but the boys especially are very cute, so much so that it has prompted me to work on my elevator conversation.

Now elevator conversation is not an easy thing to master, first of all there is not a lot of time to make an impression. Especially since all the really hot boys seem to live on the 5th floor. It can be rather stressful trying to think of something to say in those few seconds to the ground floor.

Secondly, there is not much topic for conversation. It’s not like you are in a coffee shop or standing in line at the grocery store where you can make some offhanded comment about how long the line is or why that man in front is quacking like a duck. The elevator can be quite restrictive and I always find myself standing awkwardly in the corner desperately trying to come up with something witty to say.

Last time I was in there, I just decided to strike up a conversation with a random person. He wasn’t a hot boy so there was no pressure there but he seemed nice enough that I could get some elevator convo practice in. I generally try to avoid chatting about the weather or sports as those are particularly mundane (and cheesy) topics to me. I think I might have asked this guy where he got his pizza from. I figured that with enough practice, when the time came that a hot boy walked into the elevator, I would be so well versed and have a repertoire of conversation to choose from that he couldn’t help but be smitten by me.

Once nice thing about this building is that there are lots of people with dogs which are always an easy topic of conversation. It really is a great icebreaker when you are able to ask the person to please have their dog stop licking my crotch.

I have noticed though that if you carry random items in your hands, you don’t need to say anything at all and people will in fact strike up a conversation with you. The other day I was carrying McDonalds and toilet paper and someone commented on my choice of provisions, to which I replied “Yup Whistler girl’s weekend. McDonalds to get rid of the hangover and toilet paper to get rid of the McDonalds” (Note: Will not be making such inappropriate comments to hot boys).

I think the next time there is a hot boy in the elevator, I will come walking in holding a watermelon and a jar of pickles. And if all else fails I could always “accidentally” push the elevator stop button right?

– Sonya

Paper or plastic?

2009-08-12T12:38:00.000-07:00

Today I've decided to stop thinking of myself as society expects me to think of myself - an item on a shelf in a store waiting for some guy to pick me, pick me!

Enough already. I must start thinking and acting like the shopper, not the shopee.

Who says I can't have MY pick? Maybe it's that abstract, all-encompassing and oh-so-blame-able entity I like to call "society," maybe it's all in my mind, but whoever it is, SHUT UP ALREADY!

I've got a platinum card and I'm ready to sample.

Other thoughts for the day? I must start choosing my men like I choose my friends. I know I don't expect my friends to meet the same standards I set for my partners. All they need to be is, well, a good friend.

Sex and the pity

2009-08-11T09:51:00.000-07:00

I love Sex and the City. LOVE. I was/am as addicted as every other female in ... yes, i'll say it: the world. But recently, as I awaited the release of the movie version of my fave show, I started feeling slightly disappointed in Carrie, Miranda, Charlotte and Samantha ... were they really the strong, empowered, independent women we believed them to be? Would society as we know it (and as they knew it, in modern-day Manhatten) ever have allowed them to be?

Unfortunately, I don't believe the ladies lived up to our expectations. Actually, given the world and time we live in, I don't think they could have. When all was said and done, these fabulous, successful, seemingly independent women needed men to save them.

Carrie ran to Paris with a man when he asked her to, leaving her entire world, her whole life, everything she knew and was passionate about, behind. I'm all for having new adventures, but this was Petrovsky's fantasy, not Carrie's. Sure enough, almost as soon as she arrived in the city of love, babbling helplessly in french, her Russian lover let her down.

So who would save Carrie now? I wish she'd saved herself (like many of us real women have to). Why can't any Hollywood movie or TV show end with a woman walking ALONE into the sunset? Why can't women ever be depicted as perfectly content on their own, in their own skin, doing what they want to do, what they love to do, with no men in sight?

Carrie didn't - couldn't - save herself. I suppose, in a way, her girlfriends kinda sorta did. They did hold a meeting with Big, at which point Miranda uttered those now-famous words: "Go get our girl."

So Big flew to Paris and saved our heroine. Which, I suppose, makes him the hero. We've all seen and heard (and imagined) this ending before: the prince in shining armor rides in on his big, white airplane to save the damsel in distress. What a let down.

Society won't allow a woman to be truly strong, empowered and independent. Not even Carrie Bradshaw. As someone once explained to me: it just doesn't sell.

The pair-rent trap

2009-08-09T12:27:00.000-07:00

There's one thing every single girl in her 30s needs: a bedroom. She did the roommate thing in college (and realized it's best to separate friendship from accommodation). She's likely even lived with an ex-boyfriend or two. It's time to get a room of her own.

And so the hunt begins. She searches through the classifieds, scours Craigslist, scrutinizes viewit.ca and comes up with one realization: she's a single gal living in a couples' world - at least when it comes to the rental market.

Big cities like Vancouver and Toronto offer plenty of rental opportunities. There's lots of choice scattered across diverse locations. The problem isn't a shortage of space, but the cost to rent one of these units when you're the only one footing the bill.

Although price varies from neighbourhood to neighbourhood, the fact remains that a couple splitting the cost of a one-bedroom apartment can afford something nicer, roomier and, in many cases, safer than a single living on her own. A pair can easily afford to lease a one-bedroom unit for $1,000 a month - that's a measly $500 per person, hardly enough to put a dent in the old paycheque. Not so for the solo gal looking for a place to live - $1,000 is a significant chunk out of her salary.

With the cost of splitting a place so cheap, a couple can upgrade to a much nicer (and pricier) space; at $750 each, even an apartment that rents for $1,500 a month is far more affordable for a pair of people than the girl in the $1,000 place.

So she should get a roommate, you say? Not in a one-bedroom, unless both girls are pre-disposed to sharing a room and sleeping in matching twin or bunk beds. A two-bedroom rental means an extra room - and extra cost. The two girls would still end up paying more than the couple in their single-bedroom suite.

Besides, what self-respected, privacy-loving, corporate-working 30-year-old adult woman (or man, for that matter) really wants to share with flatmates? It's reminiscent of college days gone by, and not a reality many women we know want to relive.

No, the single girl wants to live alone - and should be able to afford to do so. We're not sure what the solution here is - or if there even is one - but we're putting it out there with the hope we can put our heads together and generate some ideas.

The following is a public service announcement ...

2009-08-07T13:20:00.000-07:00

If Martians (male ones, of course) were to land on Earth, they might make the following assumption: women drew the short straw in life, enduring monthly periods, PMS, childbirth and menopause, all the while producing more hormones than they, or anyone within arm’s-length, can handle.

And, if the aliens were to focus in on a single woman in her 30s, they may come to the conclusion that the agony of being female doesn’t end there. At this point in life she’s in a race against time to meet a man, fall in love, get him to fall in love her, move in together, get married, have a baby (the latter two in no particular order as long as they happen) and live happily ever after.

After reveling footloose and fancy-free in her 20s, from the day she hits 30 her carefree attitude screeches to an abrupt halt. Mother Nature is suddenly occupying all her thoughts and her biological clock is ticking faster and faster as each day, month and year passes with no sign of “the one” entering her life anytime soon.

Of course, for the 30-something single men of Earth this isn’t a concern – nature gave them the choice to put fatherhood on hold, worry-free, until their 40s, 50s or even 60s. They’re busily dating and consciously staying single until later in life because they know when the time is right (for them), reproduction won't be a problem.

None of the above observations were made by extraterrestrial beings. It’s a sad fact that our own society portrays 30-something single men and women completely differently. The women are labeled “expired goods” while the men are given accolades and told to enjoy their freedom while they can. Although TV programs like Sex in the City helped to change people’s opinions of single women over 30 in some regard, the fact remains that if we want children the natural way (i.e., no sperm donor), we need a man.

With no sight of Mr. Right on the horizon, she feels pressure from herself and those around her (even if they don’t say so out loud) to get on it and meet the father-to-be of her unborn offspring. Her parents either nag her or shoot worried looks across her head at each other, anxious she’ll be left alone after they’re gone. Her friends offer to fix her up with just about any man who’s single – height, weight and chemistry not being factors in the equation whatsoever. And then there are the snickering colleagues, who rib her and suggest she “switch teams.” (Yes, this has actually happened to some of us.)

What’s a 30-something single girl to do? According to well-meaning friends and family, she may want to lower her standards some, accept that not everyone is perfect and compromise and her list of must-haves for a man. She should put things in perspective and ask herself, does it really matter if his shoes suck? Does that eminent bald spot mean he won’t be a great dad? Is it really a big deal he still lives with his parents?

She also needs to – they say – put herself in check. No talking about babies and marriage in the early stages of dating. Men already know what women in their 30s want – if he smells the slightest whiff of desperation beyond that societal stigma, he’ll take off running for the hills.

And what about looking for love in the wrong places? She’ll never find a man at the bar, her friends say while nursing their babies and staring adoringly at husbands they met at a Sigma Chi fraternity party back in college. Why not meet someone at the office, through friends or go online? (Like she hasn’t thought of any of those options before.)

How come when a woman turns 30, she’s supposed to throw all her standards, all her dreams and all the things she holds important out the window? In your 20s you’re free to find him however you like, hold him to the highest standards and tell him it’s your way or the highway. As soon as you hit the big three-oh, though, you must change yourself to snag a man, any man.

It’s the million-dollar question people, and we want to hear what you have to say about it.

Singled out: Two minus one equals not invited

2009-08-05T20:13:00.000-07:00

It happens so suddenly. One moment you’re part of the club and the next you find yourself excommunicated from your girlfriends, your confidantes. Did you get in a fight? Maybe you told a lie? Perhaps you engaged in a little backstabbing cattiness? No, it is all much worse than that. You broke up with your boyfriend.

Once upon a time your friendship made sense. Dinner parties would be evenly matched, your boyfriends would have XBox competitions, Entertainment Books would be purchased for 2-4-1 outings and the planets would align in coupled bliss. You shared dreams of weddings, births and your children growing up to become boyfriend-girlfriend. You would be seated together at weddings and watch the single ladies fight over the bouquet. Life was perfect, as was your friendship.

But then one day you announce your break-up. On the road to this end, your friends stood behind you. They listened and offered a shoulder as you cried yourself to sleep. They even came over with a bottle of wine to help you drown your sorrows. But as the dust clears, so do they.

The reality is, you are no longer part of the couple’s club, so what could you possibly have in common? After all, what is there to talk about if you can’t talk about your significant others?

Maybe this all sounds a little exaggerated, but when you are dealing with a breakup, losing your friends at the same time makes it so much worse. The questions you have about your own self worth become amplified and you feel very alone. After all, no one wants to be around you.

So, can singles and couples co-exist? Here are a few tips for couples to help their single friends:

Do invite singles to dinner parties. Even if there isn’t an equal guy-gal ratio, chances are your single friend can hold their own.

Don’t assume that two single people over thirty would naturally be a perfect match. There is more to relationships than the fact that both individuals are alone.

Do indulge your single friend by letting her have a “plus one” at weddings. There is nothing worse than having everyone refer to you and your other single friends as the “Sex and the City” gals.

Don’t tell her that there are “plenty of fish in the sea” or that they have “lots of time”. It is the last thing a single wants to hear from someone with a husband and two kids.

Do remember that it might have been a while since your single friend has had some lovin’. Don’t complain about your husband going away for the weekend.

Finally, and in all seriousness, do remember that your single friend is going through a lot of changes and may need you now more than ever. Please stand by her and try to put yourself in her shoes. There may come a time in the future that you will be in the same situation.

Single in a couples' world

2009-08-05T00:05:00.001-07:00

It can be as innocent as a two-for-one bowling coupon or as overt as the ending of the latest Hollywood blockbuster, but everywhere you look, society is focused on couples. Even though the social stigmas and pressures may not be what they once were, it can still be hard to be single in a world built for pairs.

Read the rest: Canada.com.

Shared via AddThis.

Thirty and gasp single

2009-08-05T00:03:00.001-07:00

It started about five years ago. Everyone – and we mean EVERYONE – got married. Being in a university sorority meant we knew a lot of women – some as close friends, some as acquaintances and some simply as recurring names in the endless stream of gossip that permeated our lives as part of the so-called “Greek system.” Back then we were like all the other girls – crushing, flirting, dating, crying, begging, breaking up, getting back together, falling in and out of love and, from time to time, daring to dream of our future weddings. What would the dress look like? How many bridesmaids would we have? And – most importantly – who would the groom be? We were all travelling the same path at that time; all puzzling over the complexities and emotions of “being in a relationship;” all wondering (and worrying) – when would that wonderful, white day, with its “I dos” and promises of everlasting love and happiness, come?

And then we came to that big, fat intersection. You know the one. You can either take a right, hit cruise-control and coast down scenic Wedding Way, where the sun shines and the birds sing and all the floral arrangements match the place settings or hang a left, shift into four-wheel drive and do your darndest to navigate Lonely Lane, a rocky, winding, unpredictable route fraught with potholes, landmines and seats at the singles’ table (it’s the one at the back of the room, in case you didn't know).

Everyone approaching that fork in the road wanted to make a right. We thought it was expected of us. After all, life happens in a logical order: school, job, marriage. We'd graduated from university and were climbing the ladders of our individual careers. The only thing left to do was tie the knot and get on with life as prescribed by ... well, by the world and society and religion and Hollywood and all we'd ever seen and heard and known. Problem was, the cop directing traffic must have heard only static in his earpiece that day, because he didn’t signal all of us in the same direction.

So here we are, 30, single and on a completely different path than most of the women we know. It’s changed our lives, just as marriage has changed the lives of our friends. We all used to belong to the same group – now, at times, it seems like it’s “us” and “them.” Some days it’s hard – to be alone, to wonder what’s in store for us, to deal with yet another guy who says he isn't looking for “anything serious” at the moment, to wait for the lasting relationship that may never come. But we recognize the good parts, too. The thrill of meeting someone new, a first kiss, plenty of personal space, the endless possibilities, the independence, the chance to do what we want when we want without having to consider anyone else's plans or feelings. It’s coping with the daily highs and lows, happiness and sadness, stress and relief, love and heartache of being single when society says we shouldn’t be that motivated us to start this blog. We hope it makes us stronger and helps ease the lingering bit of regret we feel from time to time for having missed that seemingly vital right turn.

For those like us, who recognize singledom's as good as it is bad, as easy as it is hard, as exciting as it is dull, as right as it is wrong – this blog’s for you. We hope you enjoy it as much as we are thrilled to be writing it, and we welcome any and all interaction.

Together we can’t be alone, so please drop us a line and share your story, thoughts, opinions and advice on being single in society.

Kristie & Noa

2009-01-06T21:33:00.000-08:00

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The following is a public service announcement ...

Singled out: Two minus one equals not invited

Single in a couples' world

Thirty and *gasp* single

Thirty and gasp single